Going NC in a long and gradual way (I finally got there)

[Arnelle]

I have recently gone NC with my uBPD dad, but it was all a lot more messy (not in terms of drama but in terms of it being extremely gradual) and I had less agency in it than in a lot of the stories I've been reading on here.

I already asked for no contact last October or so, but back then I thought it was temporary and told him it was temporary. I explained I was at a stage where I was getting anxiety attacks every time I received a text from him, and I just needed space to be able to re-enter the relationship in a healthier way. I told him I would contact him when I was ready. (This was after over 6 months of constant abuse after a fallout in which he refuses to accept any wrongdoing)

I did say Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday in between, which I maybe shouldn't have done but not saying anything felt too hard.

He also didn't respect my boundaries. He contacted me before my birthday in March and asked me how to handle the situation and I said I would prefer if he just didn't send me anything. He didn't respect that and sent me a voucher for my birthday which actually really upset me (presents have always come with strings attached growing up, which is why I would often sound really spoilt when complaining about receiving so many). I didn't want the voucher but still said thank you, to be polite, and split the money with my sister who had gone fully NC at this point.

After that, my dad sent me a few messages, all of which I ignored. Throughout this period I was working on how to re-enter the relationship in a healthier way with a therapist. If my dad had messaged me something like "I'm sorry, can we please talk, I want to make this better", I would have been open to it. Instead it was always about him, even when he said things like "I miss you". I didn't reply because I had asked not to be contacted, and because there wasn't anything I could say. "I actually don't miss you, and was enjoying not thinking of you until you contacted me" wouldn't have gone down well.

This brings me to last month. It was his birthday and as I already mentioned, I sent him a message to wish him a happy birthday. I did this because I knew it would really hurt him to not hear from me on his birthday. The year before he had already gotten really upset when I didn't send a Christmas card by the beginning of December. He replied "thanks" and I didn't even open the message.

The next day I received a message from him saying he had enough of my egocentric behaviour. He said I wasn't reading his messages, and I only talked to him if it served me. He told me not to contact him again, and that he was cutting everything negative out of his life. By the time I read this message, he had blocked me.

I know he will change his mind, but that was the final straw for me. I have now blocked him back so he can't contact me whenever he decides he wants to again.

It makes me sad, but my first reaction when I received that message was relief. I had wanted to distance myself for a long time and had done so in baby steps, but I hadn't been strong enough to do it by myself. I needed him to cut ME out to be able to see this was the best for me.

He has "cut contact" with me several times in the past, which is why I know he doesn't mean it (although he has never blocked me before), but for me this is done now. I can't help but feel quite sad about it all, all the hope I had left has disappeared.

I also feel like it is so unfair he gets to portray me as something negative he has to cut out of his life. The only thing I have done is to put myself first when his emotional abuse started to cause me to physically react. If he can't even respect that then there is just nothing to fight for left in this relationship.

So yeah, here I am, slowly starting to accept that I will never have a "normal" dad, and that I will probably not have a dad at all from now on. It's been a gradual process, but it still hurts a lot now it's finally come to a conclusion.

[Starboard Song]

He has "cut contact" with me several times in the past, which is why I know he doesn't mean it (although he has never blocked me before), but for me this is done now. I can't help but feel quite sad about it all, all the hope I had left has disappeared.

So yeah, here I am, slowly starting to accept that I will never have a "normal" dad, and that I will probably not have a dad at all from now on. It's been a gradual process, but it still hurts a lot now it's finally come to a conclusion.

I'm so sorry. This realization is so important but so painful: a biological father does not make a Dad. And sometimes there is a major error in casting, such that our desire for Mom or Dad is in conflict with the mother or father we actually have.

We too were subject to the Silent Treat from time to time, before it was once too many. And I really struggled, too, with being cast as the one who'd cut-off communications. I was all like, "but you JUST SAID you no longer wanted to interact with us! You said it was permanent!!" Just realize that you know reality, and that is sufficient.

Good luck. It is a journey, but you're going to do great.

[SunnyMeadow]

The realization of not having a normal dad is difficult.

“I actually don’t miss you, and was enjoying not thinking of you until you contacted me”

I feel this so much. I understand the relief of NOT thinking of them until they go and communicate somehow.

I went NC for a short time and it was stressful and wonderful. I have a feeling you'll go through many emotions for a time until your dad starts to fade into the background. I'm glad you're here, please keep posting and sharing your experiences.

[Arnelle]

I'm so sorry. This realization is so important but so painful: a biological father does not make a Dad. And sometimes there is a major error in casting, such that our desire for Mom or Dad is in conflict with the mother or father we actually have.

Thanks for the support everyone! I do think that letting go of the idea of having a "normal dad" is the hardest part actually. It's tricky because my dad has the capacity to be amazing, I have many great memories of him doing all kinds of fun things with my and my sisters when we were little.

I only recently realised how long ago that was though. Before our argument in February 2020 (since then we've not had a normal conversation), I would be surprised if I didn't feel like crying after I saw him. That had gone on for years but I just didn't realise it somehow. Every time I would think he just had a bad day.

Over the past year the realisation has finally hit me, so have so many others (e.g. that what my dad did to us was, in fact, abusive), and it's hard to have all these happy memories while also realising there was so much bad stuff going on.

I had been clinging onto the fact that he IS capable to some extent to be there for me too much. I now realise he is only capable of acting this way if you make him the centre of your universe, like my sisters and I would have done when we were little.

It has taken a lot of processing and there's still lots more to be done, but at least I have finally realised it all and can move on from there.

[Cat of the Canals]

He didn't respect that and sent me a voucher for my birthday which actually really upset me (presents have always come with strings attached growing up, which is why I would often sound really spoilt when complaining about receiving so many).

I totally understand this. Even though my husband suspected something was up with PDmom long before I did, he thought it was weird how reticent I was to accept gifts from her. When he asked about it, I told him, "Gifts from my mother always have strings attached." He has admitted that he thought I was a little paranoid about it or overreacting for a while but sees now that I was right.

Letting go of the hope that they might one day change is the hardest part, I think. Also realizing how little effort they are willing to contribute to the relationship. If it isn't a one-way street of resources and love flowing toward them, they aren't interested, and that always becomes painfully obvious once you cut off their supply.

[Arnelle]

"Gifts from my mother always have strings attached."

Yuppp, for my dad it was either a way of showing how great he was (but then if I earned as much as him I would be so much more generous tbh), or a way to control my appearance. He would almost always buy me new shoes or clothes when seeing me while I was at Uni, because he didn't like what I was wearing.

When we started to "break up" he kept bringing up how much he did for me (aka how much he bought for me) and how ungrateful I was. But saying no to him offering to buy me things was never an option, he would get so angry that just going along with it was the only way to go.