She says one thing but acts another...

OddFamily · August 10, 2021, 10:56:47 AM

The crazy making continues. Grandma says she wants to be independent and not need in home help, but she's not acting like it, she's content to have her caregivers do this that or the other and not do it herself. She can navigate herself in the wheelchair (I've seen her do it), but no she wants someone to wheel her about because "it makes my shoulders hurt". Your shoulders always hurt because you've got bone on bone contact, it's not unique to the wheelchair.
I think for all of what she's saying she secretly like the attention. Ok, fair enough, but don't complain about the cost or the lack of privacy. Or if the joint replacement has a sub-optimal outcome, you've got to do the home exercises and you've got to walk on it however long you're supposed to.

Sneezy · August 11, 2021, 10:16:16 AM

Quote from: OddFamily on August 10, 2021, 10:56:47 AM
Or if the joint replacement has a sub-optimal outcome, you've got to do the home exercises and you've got to walk on it however long you're supposed to.

Uh-oh, if your grandmother isn't doing her rehab exercises, she may end up worse off and in more pain than she was before her surgery. This is the case with my mom. After her first knee replacement, she went to rehab for a while but checked herself out early as she didn't like the food they served. For the second knee replacement, she didn't even bother going to rehab. She told her doctor she would do all her exercises at home and even bought an exercise bike. Of course, she didn't do any exercises and now, about 10 years later, she is worse off than before.

Your grandmother is not looking for a solution, she is looking for attention. Practice your medium chill. When she complains, I think it's ok to sympathize, but don't get caught up in endless discussions about her complaints. Try to change the subject to talk about non-emotional topics. You can't fix her problems. And it could be that at her age, she can't completely fix things either. But she is the only one who can make things better for herself. If she won't even try, then let the complaints roll right off of you and change the subject.

OddFamily · August 11, 2021, 06:26:07 PM

I may or may not have encouraged mom to rat her out to the doctors if needed.
Doing my best to not let it bug me, but my grandma's aide managed to pull me into it, she truly didn't mean it as she's new. I explained that sort of communication needs to go through her medical POA which is not me, and that I got what she was recommending but it wasn't a good medication as it was a bleed risk.

Pepin · August 13, 2021, 09:18:24 AM

I see this with DPD MIL - except that she doesn't (refused) have any caregivers and wants to continue living in her home. Some extended family rotate through to bring food or check on her and get her to MD appointments. Aside from this, all she does is sit.

She was just unloading to me about how her back and arm hurts. I already know her entire history from the fall she had to the numerous medications she briefly tried...to the PT she attempted but didn't take seriously, etc. and now she is worse. Got an epidural a few months ago and I'm like uh, y'all maybe need to uh get those more frequently if it gave you relief? Sheesh. Like keep an open conversation with you MD about pain.

Anyway, she just prefers to live in pain and complain about it. As if she is the first and only person to live with pain. I'm like, join the club...many of us are having issues in our own lives at our age and have been working hard to get pain management under control. But not DPD MIL. This is her attention. Won't use her walker in public and then her knee literally gives out and she has to seek refuge in a cafe for a bit. Maybe she's embarrassed about using a walker but so many elderly in my area adore their walkers because it brings them a certain freedom that they otherwise couldn't have. But nope, she can't be bothered to use it. She'd rather just park in front of the TV and wither away. But relishing the sympathy she gets from everyone...but actually, many are getting tired of this scenario. People just don't have time like they used to...doesn't want to spend money on her health because she wants to gift as much as possible at her death. Give me a break.

OddFamily · August 13, 2021, 10:06:16 PM

Pepin, you hit the nail on the head. Grandma doesn't want to use her walker because she looks "old". Um, you live in a senior community, your neighbor who just passed 100 uses a mobility scooter and no one says a word, I hope your pride was worth it when you fell and broke your hip. Had the same thing, doesn't want to move into assisted living to give my mom an inheritance. Um, you can't live by yourself, and the home care you have now is much more expensive than assisted living.
I swear, she just goes on about this or that hurting or not working sometimes and nothing works. Yeah, some doesn't work. But you're in your 90s, there's bone to bone contact, the legit contraindications can't do anything about. But it smells bad is not a contraindication and it helps.
But, has she given one jot to the fact that I have a condition that is possibly disabling? Like never work again because the pain is that bad? That some days I'm scared about the lengthy treatment I have to start in a few weeks that has no guarantee of success, and even if it does work is not a complete cure as it's incurable? No, just that the dietary restrictions are an inconvenience, and what I've started calling the 'why aren't you better yet'? Maybe I'm not because I had a setback, or maybe because this condition will follow me for the rest of my life? I had no wish to contract it, and I'm working closely with my treatment team to minimize the symptoms and the damage.

Andeza · August 13, 2021, 10:23:36 PM

Full metal waif, as WomanInterrupted used to call it. The complaining, the attention seeking, the woe is me shenanigans with no intention of working toward improvement because that would cut off the supply. uBPDm had it down to an artform.

OddFamily, you have enough on your plate. I'm so sorry you've got her trying to draw you in and minimize your own, legitimate, struggle. I hope your team is amazing. I hope you beat ALL expectations.

I'll keep you in my thoughts and send all the good vibes, well wishes, and prayers. Whichever you prefer. Just remember, it's okay to ignore her bleating, and potentially healthier for you.

Boat Babe · August 14, 2021, 03:48:48 AM

Full Metal Waif. Best description ever!

Seven · August 14, 2021, 04:31:58 AM

Quote from: OddFamily on August 13, 2021, 10:06:16 PM
Pepin, you hit the nail on the head. Grandma doesn't want to use her walker because she looks "old". Um, you live in a senior community, your neighbor who just passed 100 uses a mobility scooter and no one says a word, I hope your pride was worth it when you fell and broke your hip. Had the same thing, doesn't want to move into assisted living to give my mom an inheritance. Um, you can't live by yourself, and the home care you have now is much more expensive than assisted living.
I swear, she just goes on about this or that hurting or not working sometimes and nothing works. Yeah, some doesn't work. But you're in your 90s, there's bone to bone contact, the legit contraindications can't do anything about. But it smells bad is not a contraindication and it helps.
But, has she given one jot to the fact that I have a condition that is possibly disabling? Like never work again because the pain is that bad? That some days I'm scared about the lengthy treatment I have to start in a few weeks that has no guarantee of success, and even if it does work is not a complete cure as it's incurable? No, just that the dietary restrictions are an inconvenience, and what I've started calling the 'why aren't you better yet'? Maybe I'm not because I had a setback, or maybe because this condition will follow me for the rest of my life? I had no wish to contract it, and I'm working closely with my treatment team to minimize the symptoms and the damage.

Odd family, this is my uNPD elderly m to the T!

Her pride and dementia resulted in a broken hip. And the pride doesn't go away with dementia. Dementia makes it worse! Now she's in private home care instead of the memory care unit she was in. But she SWORE she was NEVER going to go into "a place like that" because she wants to leave something for her offspring. Yet, did she actually plan ahead and shelter her assets? Nope. So there will be nothing left. Did she discuss with the family where she'd actually like to live when she has the ability? Nope. She made very rash, very poor decisions and everyone was suppose to drop everything to make it happen. Has she made end-of-life plans? Nope. Well kind of. She said she wants to be interred in a wall vault at a church in my city that she has NEVER attended because her "friend" thought it was a good idea. What she doesn't realize is there will be no one left in the city to go visit it. I'm the last one here and I don't plan on staying.

Oh, Sis1, the cancer survivor, got the flu shot one year (in her early 60s) , ended up getting the flu, ended up in the hospital dehydrated and with arrhythmia. Any sympathy from our mother? Nope. No. What my eldest sister got was "well, you should've done this and this and this". Basically blaming her for contracting the flu instead of showing a shred of sympathy for her, yet doing the whole "oh, poor Sis1" to her friends to garner attention.

I know it's ugly to speak poorly of your elders but my mother is a two-faced narc. Plain and simple. And like I said, it's doesnt go away with dementia.

OddFamily · August 14, 2021, 10:05:25 AM

Andezea, you've got it right, the waifing is driving me and my mom up the wall. I've cut contact with her to mandated contact, but it's still too much for my liking. I will take any prayers, good vibes, etc that you send my way, I need them. I had to have treatment cut short in its first week because I relapsed hard and fast, so I've been given the summer off to stabilize, in a few weeks I go to see if it can be restarted on a slower pace. Not sure I'm physically ready for it yet, but will talk with everyone about it at that time, understandably apprehensive about it. We've already had long talks about a cure not being possible, so what would a successful outcome look like. The team's been really great, not fond of some of the assistants for one of them but it's something I can handle. If I had known then what I know now would have gone to a different office, but it's manageable.

Seven, yes, I hear you. I know estate planning has got her spun up into a tizzy, to my knowledge it would not take that much to update her will, but even updating the beneficiaries on her accounts was a major uphill battle with her.
I think she's doing the same thing with me. Not "yeah that's no fun", but "why aren't you better?" Or worse "You must be faking it" Would anyone chose this? Would anyone voluntarily do this or that restrictive treatment?
But with her little friends "Oh Odd Family is hurting so bad".