So I guess this is the discard

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CagedBirdSinging

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So I guess this is the discard
« on: August 11, 2021, 12:38:06 PM »
So, stbxpdH has finally got the message that we are not getting back together. But now he is acting as if he is the one who is breaking up with me. He has been trying to manipulate me into taking him back, love bombing me for the last 6 months. Anything I have done to resist the manipulation (taking a holiday to gain some headspace, not replying to messages, not responding to threats and ultimatums) is now being used as evidence of how 'badly' I treated him during the marriage. He is taking the moral high ground, lecturing me about how he deserves better treatment. Whenever I bring up his past behaviour (verbal abuse when i was pregnant, gaslighting and ST pretty much constantly) he tells me I need to let go of the past and stop holding grudges- further evidence of why I am a terrible person and he deserves better.

It gets better. You know how they use your insecurities against you? Yup. He is bringing up things from my childhood, using these to explain why I mistreated him during the marriage. My head is spinning- the things he says are true, but they do not explain his behaviour. When he describes me, I don't even recognise the person he is talking about- it's like he doesn't even know me.

It's like a switch has flipped. He is totally cold with me now, speaking in a very condescending way, playing the victim.

I guess it doesn't matter.. but all this really hurts. He is talking about wanting to end our relationship in a peaceful, loving way.. which is what I have been trying to do for months!!! But now it's ok because it is his idea! He is also talking about how kind, compassionate and supportive he has been.. more lies, just making me doubt myself constantly.

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Boat Babe

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Re: So I guess this is the discard
« Reply #1 on: August 11, 2021, 01:19:02 PM »
Hey CBS, this is kinda good news even if it feels rough. Let him think what he likes. You won't change his mind anyway as you know. You are hitting your head against a brick wall.

For your sake, stop expecting decent behaviour from him. You never had it and he is incapable of this. That's why you left. Radical acceptance that he is toxic, through and through, is what you need. Otherwise you have expectations, which will be dashed, and you will experience more pain. Don't court disappointment.

Keep moving forward, use the tools, self care like a boss and get through your divorce. Things will start to improve for you, they really will. Sending hugs.
It gets better. It has to.

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square

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Re: So I guess this is the discard
« Reply #2 on: August 11, 2021, 02:19:52 PM »
His descriptions of you that you donít even recognize, they may not be how he actually sees you either. He is obviously flopping around like a beached fish, trying to make the story into something he can live with.

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CagedBirdSinging

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Re: So I guess this is the discard
« Reply #3 on: August 11, 2021, 02:59:51 PM »
Thanks, I know I should be more positive about this. I don't know why it hurts so bad. He keeps saying we need to take equal responsibility for the break up.. but that's not what he's doing. He is just blaming everything on me.

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square

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Re: So I guess this is the discard
« Reply #4 on: August 11, 2021, 04:02:20 PM »
You donít need to be more positive about this. This hurts. This sucks.

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notrightinthehead

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Re: So I guess this is the discard
« Reply #5 on: August 11, 2021, 06:00:35 PM »
Of course it hurts! It is also terribly irritating. And unsettling. Now is the time to medium chill like a master.  Parrot back what he tells you with a flat face preceded with the words "So you think..."  or when he uses your insecurities against you,  you smile and reply,  yeah I used to feel like that when I was a child... Cry or hit a cushion when you are alone but show absolutely nothing. And do not engage in any real conversation,  you seriously need to protect yourself from letting him get to you and hurt you even more.
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

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Boat Babe

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Re: So I guess this is the discard
« Reply #6 on: August 11, 2021, 06:47:48 PM »
 :yeahthat:
It gets better. It has to.

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CagedBirdSinging

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Re: So I guess this is the discard
« Reply #7 on: August 11, 2021, 07:45:33 PM »
Of course it hurts! It is also terribly irritating. And unsettling. Now is the time to medium chill like a master.  Parrot back what he tells you with a flat face preceded with the words "So you think..."  or when he uses your insecurities against you,  you smile and reply,  yeah I used to feel like that when I was a child... Cry or hit a cushion when you are alone but show absolutely nothing. And do not engage in any real conversation,  you seriously need to protect yourself from letting him get to you and hurt you even more.

Thanks  yeah it is irritating, upsetting, hurtful.. he is pretending to be a faultless victim, while I have destroyed everything and ruined the family. He talks about the terrible impact of me leaving him the first time, and how our marriage was irreparably damaged.. 

Some context; the first time I left, my youngest child was 10 weeks old. I was recovering from a c section. He was raging at me daily, berating me for the lack of sex, trashing my family, howling about his hurt feelings. He was getting so irate, hostile body language, jabbing his finger at me, sticking his jaw out and getting into my space. I thought he was going to hit me. So, I left with the kids. It broke my heart, I sobbed leaving. But now he is describing how traumatic this incident was for HIM and how my terrible, selfish act of leaving destroyed our marriage.

He speaks with this tone of absolute confidence and authority. It is very disconcerting and very hard to maintain a clear sense of the truth.

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notrightinthehead

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Re: So I guess this is the discard
« Reply #8 on: August 12, 2021, 03:47:35 AM »
And if it wasn't you leaving, he might have found another story.  You realize he is trying to pull you back into the FOG. You are guilty for leaving him. You are obliged to make this marriage work - even at the expense of your health and against his behaviour. If you don't  fulfill his expectations, you are supposed to fear him.
I found it very helpful to write his accusations down and contrast them with my reality in writing and whenever I started to ruminate, wasting time and energy on unjust accusations I would refer myself to my reality, shake my head and think of something else.
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

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Starboard Song

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Re: So I guess this is the discard
« Reply #9 on: August 12, 2021, 10:38:07 AM »
It's like a switch has flipped. He is totally cold with me now, speaking in a very condescending way, playing the victim.

I'm so sorry. That moment when you become no longer worth it to them is so painful. I was amazed at how little effort my MIL made to restore our relationship. It hurt that she would just walk away. So much worse to experience, I am sure, with a romantic partner.

Take a deep breath and re-center yourself over the people you love who reliably care for you. You deserve that peace.
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

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hhaw

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Re: So I guess this is the discard
« Reply #10 on: August 12, 2021, 09:45:30 PM »
The STBX is just trying everything he can.... like a bucking bronko..... he changes directions and speeds.... changes up tactics without reason when what he's trying isn't working.  It's what they do. 

It has nothing to do with you, outside your refusal to comply.  He KNOWS you're going to give in, eventually... it's just a matter of when, not if for him, IME.

Throwing you off balanec is the goal.  Getting you to drop the divorce..... is the goal.
This IS NOT a discard.  Don't let his tactics make you fear and doubt yourself and situation.

You're doing to right thing.  You're getting your children into a stable home, with you, so you can model healthy, consistent, stable home life, bc what he's modeling isn't what you want your children to consider "normal." 

You have time to teach your children other ways of living so they don't grow up feeling at home in abusive relationship.

And that's going to have to be OK.  It's the best you can do for everyone involved, IME.  That's all you can ask of yourself.

Try to do what you can, then put this divorce story on the shelf and think about joyful things.... play with your children, build a fort, look them in the eye and ask them what God looks like.... have them draw pictures of things, date them and hang them in the house....... dance with them.  Every single day, but don't waste more time worrying about the PD's confusing behavior bc it will
never
ever
ever
make
sense.

You can't make sense of the nonsensical, IME, but you can waste lost of time wondering WHY it doesn't make sense.  Wondering if you'd done A if it would have made a difference.

It wouldn't have, so turn toward the sun in your life and drink it in.  KNOW you did everything you could, but the PD just could't pull it together, will never pull it together, bc he's broken and can't do any better.  If you have the time and resources, I suggest finding a good Trauma Informed Therapist for yourself and for your children.

You don't have to keep all the junk and trauma and historic garbage in your brain.  You can face it, process it and refile it in historic files then live your life in the moment. 

It's an amazing life when you stop looking forwards and backwards and get calm in the present. 

That sounds like woo woo now, but some day you'll be happy to feel the sun on your face again, you'lll have new family rituals with your children and a healthy home life your children benefit from.

It will be enough.

You are enough. 

Please don't waste more time worrying and fretting about things you have no control over. 

Do what you can, then turn towards your joy.  Put the divorce/STBXPD story on the shelf. Limit the time he spends in your space an the words he pours in your ears..... they're like poison and you'll understand that better when he's OUT of your life consistently...... without access to you...... where you can limit exposure to him like alcohol and substances that tax your immune system and emotional health.

I wish you the best possible outcome.  Lean on your sanest most logical friends and family members... who GET IT. 

Don't waste time on people who don't get it. 

You're going to be OK.

So will your children, but they need you level and healthy.

Breathe. Always remember to breathe. It will steady your mind and help you think.

You're your biggest resources right now.  You need to think clearly.
hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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Lauren17

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Re: So I guess this is the discard
« Reply #11 on: August 13, 2021, 09:12:35 PM »
Iím sure it hurts. And I think thatís ok. You once considered this person your best friend. How about giving yourself a set time to hurt, and then moving on? That way, the hurt wonít keep popping back in when itís least wanted.
After that, I think a reread of your journals, or your posts here would be a good reminder of the reality of why you left.
Maybe there you will find strength to gray rock him and move on with you.  :bighug:
Iíve cried a thousand rivers. And now Iím swimming for the shoreĒ (adapted from Iíll be there for you)

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CagedBirdSinging

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Re: So I guess this is the discard
« Reply #12 on: August 14, 2021, 06:39:09 PM »
Hhaw, you called it. Not a discard at all. He is now moaning about how much he loves me and wants to make it work. Despite all the vile things he said about me this week. I can see his thinking- he is so lazy, he wants me to take care of him. He actually believes all the lies and crap he said about me, I'm sure. But his life would be easier if I take him back, and he would do anything for an easy life. Unbelievable. Here goes another cycle.

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hhaw

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Re: So I guess this is the discard
« Reply #13 on: August 14, 2021, 08:11:15 PM »
Cagedbirdsinging:

Your stbx pd is going to be bucking and jumping sideways,without let up, for a while.

Don't try to anticipate or control it. Just know it's what he does, will do and nothing you do will stop or mitigate it.

In fact, TRYING to control him will slow you and the divorce process down,IME. 

Everytime the PD asks for X..... with promises to do Y..... he's asking you to weaken your position, strengthen his AND he won't follow through with whatever he promises after YOU do whatever he said was THE most important thing in the world.....
likely it will be something like "be nice" or "drop the divorce now and I'll take you to France to get an easy divorce" or "if you're nice to me NOW, I'll give you an easy divorce later."  Never mind he'll stop the divorce any way he can and that can take the form of him TELLING everyone you had sex with him, which in my State gets the divorce thrown out so you have to begin again.  He might even lie and SAY you had sex with him, so don't let him set you up.

The very best thing you can do for yourself is STOP having contact with the stbx if you can swing it. Let someone else hand off the children and document the PD's behaviors. Don't answer the door, his phone calls or texts UNLESS they're about the children and then maybe let someone else deal with it.  You need a break.  You need relief to get your head straight.

The fact you're confused about what he's doing means you're too close to the situation..... face against the glass, nose on the pebble. You'lll gain emotional distance with physical distance and silence from the PD,IME.  You'll begin to recognize yourself again.  You'll feel stronger, more capable and competent... have more energy and access to creative and logical problem solving abilities WHEN  YOU  SEEK  OUT  DISTANCE  FROM THE STBXPD  for yourself, without exception.

Make it a hard rule you can't break.... at least for a while.  You have more control than you believe.  You have more choice than you can imagine.  CHOOSE your mental health. CHOOSE you.  It's like they say... put your mask on first, then put oxygen masks on the kids.  You have to save yourself so you can save your children. 

You have a slog ahead of you.

Get your head in the right game and refuse to get dragged back into PD nutsy rocksy koo koo crazy games is my advice today.

You CAN say NO. 

Better still..... say nothing.Let your family and attorney do you talking. 

hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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nillah

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Re: So I guess this is the discard
« Reply #14 on: August 30, 2021, 11:37:13 AM »
You know how they use your insecurities against you? Yup. He is bringing up things from my childhood, using these to explain why I mistreated him during the marriage.

My uNPD partner told me that the reason why I was hurt when 3 months (+1 weekend roadtrip with just 2 of us) into the relationship, I found out via Facebook that he's in fact married (!), he's now said that my hurt is because of my childhood abandonment issues! Apparently dishonesty alone is insufficient for someone to get hurt by.
Don't be surprised if the person he describes is nothing like you because YOU were never real to him anyway. He was just incapable of fully seeing you for who you are, because sadly that probably comes with his PD. It's a hurtful thing to realize, but for me it empowered me to move on and stop looking back.

I guess it doesn't matter.. but all this really hurts. He is talking about wanting to end our relationship in a peaceful, loving way.. which is what I have been trying to do for months!!!
I had to laugh reading this because it's EXACTLY what's happening with me right now too. So strange when you say something and weeks later they decide to announce that same thing back to you! Again, I just saw this too as more evidence that he just can't see me. There's a blindspot where I'm supposed to be.

Good luck with everything! :bighug: