Accepting Constructive Criticism after a lifetime of Destructive Criticism

[Sapling]

*sigh* ok, this is embarrassing but I'm putting it out there: I recently went back to school as Covid shut down my usual source of income. I love being in a classroom (although of course it is currently a virtual classroom) and I love learning new things. But, its been a long time since I last studied and my academic writing is not up to scratch. I have a really great lecturer who gives very sharp, pointed criticism that is aimed at improving my writing. The problem is, even though I can see how constructive the criticism is, I am not dealing well with it. I go into self-attack mode and heap my own self-criticism (mostly destructive) on top of what the lecturer has provided. I am truly shocked by the level of self-hatred that comes out when this happens.

Does anyone else experience this kind of thing? I am mortified and feel embarrassed to repeat the kinds of things I say to myself afterwards. I know that this constructive criticism will help me write better but after a life-time of being criticized harshly by FOO and internalizing this and then being extremely self-critical on top of that, I do not know how to accept constructive criticism with grace and allow it to improve me. I'm not sure what to do. I feel despair in the face of the feedback I'm getting, then I feel ashamed for having the 'wrong' reaction to it.

[xredshoesx]

you're not alone.

this is something i deal with but have a really hard time articulating because of the depth of the trauma it caused me as a child.  when you grow up in a household where nothing is ever enough, i think it's more common that people realize.

one of the self care goals i've been working on is a diet- i'm letting go of the WEIGHT of other people's expectations. i'm not 100% there yet  but i am in a place where i think i can hear that criticism without spiraling into a panic/ self hatred, and even QUESTION it or ask for more clarification if i am in disagreement with the opinion.  yes i still stress eat and ruminate but i can also stop myself and get myself back from that negative self talk quicker. 

[LemonLime]

I hear you, Sapling.   Could have written the same post.
I've always been sort of devastated by criticism.  Of any kind.  Constructive or otherwise.
That had its own consequences because in defending myself I became an ass.  I lost some friends because of it, I suspect.   They never said it outright (probably were too afraid of my reaction) but they seemed to back slowly out of the relationship.

I feel very ashamed and regretful of that (long) phase of my life.

Things are quite a bit better now.   My response to criticism now is to have a "pause" before I go to shame and humiliation and defense.
There is "space" now between someone's criticism of me and my automatic defense.   That gives me time to take a breath or two and calm myself down.   Then my response is more of a response and less of a reaction.   I am far from perfect with it, but so much better than the first half of my life.

How did I get to this new better spot?   I took an intensive lifecoaching course to become a life coach.  In it we had to examine our own "go-to" responses.   All us students called each other out on our "automatics".   It took the others no time at all to see what my automatic was.   So I was faced with learning to respond differently, or to go on with my sort of miserable life as it was.

I chose to get some therapy and some other coaching to allow myself to see my "contraption".    The trigger and the response.   And to practice breathing and meditation to slow myself down.  And I got some CBT to allow less automaticity, and more room for positive interpretations of people's feedback.

It's been life-changing.   And now I can see that my uPD sibling had a much worse case of the self-defensies than I did and she chose to never work on it.   I chose to work on it, and that has made all the difference.    I do feel I had fleas and I am truly mortified by that thought, but life goes on and we do the best we can.    I take some comfort in the fact that my kids have a much better parent than they would have had I not worked on myself.   I do grieve for what could have been in my life, had I realized sooner what the heck was going on in my family and what the heck it was doing to me.

Hugs

[Sapling]

Thank you xredshoesx and LemonLime. Its good to know that I am not alone. I took some time to just try to absorb the criticism and am feeling better now, like I can move forward with working on improving it. I just needed some time as I feel I was overcome with shame.

As you said LemonLime, " when you grow up in a household where nothing is ever enough," it can be really triggering. Learning how to deal with those triggers and not be overwhelmed by shame and self-critical talk is a journey in itself. Thank you both again.

[1footouttadefog]

I am dylexic.  I did not know this until years of part time college.

During my Jr and Sr high school years the teachers did not mark specific mistakes and value them. They just inked up stuff, if even that and tossed a grade on top of the paper.

I knew that I was writing well presented papers and that my logic and research was good.  I make upper 90 percentiles in all sections of standardized tests accept spelling.

I internalized these grades a character judgements.  The comments like apply yourself, and not working to potential, added up over the years.

Had one person examined the papers with me and explained what comprised the lost points it would have been helpful.

I took English comp 1in Jr College 3times before getting out. I only did comp 2 in two tries be aise I bought a commodore 128 and friends bought me a wordprocessor with spell checker.

I no longer had to retype a page a dozen times. Wow.  It found mistakes my eyes could not see.  It was amazing, life changing.


And yet the emotional trauma related to writing lingered for a long while.  I ended up homeschooling two students from k-graduation and they typically make a 100 on every writing assignment in college regardless of the class. And this was the area I feared most they would suffer in because I taught them.

Discover and get past the emotional blocks and this is all yours.

In the mean time grammar tools like Grammarly are impressive helps.  Back when Microsoft Word had a good grammar checker program I learned alot by looking up what flaws they found then educating myself about them. I used to change the audience type and other settings to find different feedback.

I hope you can accept and learn from the critiques while at the same time expecting that sometimes it may just benegativity.