cooperation in word only

[sevenyears]

School starts in September, DS6 is still registered in the public bilingual school, where I want him to be. It makes sense, he is growing up in two languages and since there is the possibility of learning in two languages, he should be able to do so. UNOCPDEXH objects vehemently to this - DS can learn the second language (the one he speaks with me) from me and television, in ExH's view.

We've been to court. The judge said she would take custody in education from one of us if we don't cooperate. ExH broke two agreements - the one with the judge that he wouldn't try to reregister DS in a different school, while we were facing court, and one with me through court-ordered mediation. Still, the judge decided not to decide about custody in education on the grounds that DS' well-being isn't compromised. Not long after that, ExH tried again to reregister DS in another school, and the school board wrote back to both of us that if he continues with this, the school board will make a complaint that he is endangering our son's well-being.

He has bullied the school director and DS's teacher. The director told me that they will not communicate with him directly anymore.  And, school hasn't even started yet.

Last week, at a meeting with our (foster) DD's social worker, and our own social worker, ExH said that he will take DS to school during his time (DS lives 50/50 with each of us), but he still objects to the school. He also said that he is suing the school board for discrimination. A couple days later, he emailed me that he is considering suing the school director for discrimination as well.

I'm worried about DS. EXH will cooperate without cooperating if that makes any sense. He'll complain to DS that this is a terrible school, and that the way there is too long, and generally make him miserable. I've offered to ExH that I take DS to school and/or pick him up, but ExH refused. So long as UNOCPD ExH makes sure DS actually attends school, there is little the courts or youth welfare agencies will do.

I am also worried. When UNOCPD EXH doesn't get what he wants, he bullies others (he's already doing this to the school and school board), and he gets angry because he feels challenged and that he's losing control. I know he has anger problems. He denies this and the social workers don't see it. I'm really worried how he will react this fall, and that he'll start/resume yelling more at DS (and DD9) and that they will start acting out aggressively again. I'm so tired of these cycles, and so frustrated that my kids have to experience this and that I have to pick up the pieces again and again and again.

No questions really. I just need to get this off my chest. At the same time, I always appreciate your insights, thoughts and advice.

[notrightinthehead]

Sounds like a case of giving the other a long enough rope to hang himself. From what you describe, all you need to do is document, document, document. File the mails, get the school director to mail you that H cannot communicate with them anymore, file the mail from the school board, file the mails that H wants to sue, next time you see judge or social worker let your documents speak for themselves. As long as you can remain clear headed and calm and collect proof of his behaviour, eventually you will get others to see it too. The best of course would be to generate a temper tantrum in front of the judge or the social worker. I presume, your goal is to get sole custody, which seems to be the best for the kids. So give him a chance to show his true self to everybody who counts. For that you need to remain level headed. Sending you strength!

[Latchkey]

I'm so sorry to hear this is going on with school right around the corner. Has your ex put his problems in writing with the bilingual school to you? Do they make any logical sense?

There is a great deal of evidence that bilingual education is wonderful for kids. I will say though, that my DD now 22 and a college grad was in a bilingual public school class for K and 1. In 2nd grade we transferred out because of our divorce and my moving to a different area. It turned out that the bilingual teachers missed her learning disabilities due to the fact that she was an excellent student in both languages. One was her Dad's language and mine was English. She got the help she needed in the new school and ended up an honor student.

So, I guess my point is, it seems as long as your child is progressing normally and the school has remediation and support if needed then I can see no reason not to have your child in the bilingual school.

You mentioned going to court, is your attorney  and possibly a kid therapist involved? I agree that disrupting your child's education is also a problem and if you are more concerned about your ex causing emotional distress to your son then getting the courts to see this is key.

[Penny Lane]

 

I'm sorry. You're doing so well and he's trying to disrupt you at every turn. All you can do is your best; even if worst case scenario he disrupts DS's school, that is NOT your fault or responsibility.

Hang in there, I hope it gets easier for you soon.

[sevenyears]

School here starts in one week.  DS6 is still registered in the bilingual school. He spent three weeks with me this summer and was nervous and excited about starting school. Now he's finishing three weeks with UNOCPDXH. A couple of days ago, DS6 videocalled me for our scheduled call and was raging angry about the school and at me.  DD9 was also pretty angry at me over this too. All of DS6's concerns were identical to the excuses XH has given in the past. It's heartbreaking. The kids are returning to me today for a few days, and then back to their father's for a couple of days and then back to me the night before school starts. I will try to repair the damage, but this is going to be a constant tidal wave. Sigh.

[hhaw]

All you do is what you can do.

Releasing expectation....
getting really kind to yourself.....
being the consistent, level, patient parent who doesn't rage, but instead communicates about feelings and what's really going on will teach your children how to put boundaries and place and cope better too.

I would ask them how they feel about their father's raging....without ANY judgment... and let them talk.  I might suggest reasons he behaves this way..... fear he can't control something.... usually fear..... then ask them if they can see better ways to cope with those problems. Sometimes kids are amazingly creative and tuned in if they don't feel they have to defend their parents from the other, IME.

Teaching the kids not to judge...but get very curious about things.... is something I wish I could have taught my children when they were your childrens' ages.

You're going to be challenged.  Try to remember to control only those things you have control of and release expectation.  The kids will respond better to your healthy boundaries, enforcement of same and calm, consistent positive discipline than if you're in pieces, trying to control everything and upset all the time about failing to do that.

Get in the kitchen. Plan meals and shop for them together.... cook together.  Let the kids make choices and steer things into the present moments as you can.

You're a really good parent.

::nodding::

[sevenyears]

Good news! DS6 started in the bilingual school this week. He LOVES it, is excited to learn addition, and has already started making friends.

He is transferring tomorrow to UNOCPD EXH for the next week. I just hope Exh doesn't spoil it for DS.  He keeps threatening to transfer him to another school. He's not able to yet, because the education board wouldn't let him do it this summer without my consent. Because of that, he made a complaint against the school board complaining of discrimination. That complaint is still pending. If the complaints board rules in his favor, then he might be able to force the school board to change DS's schools. Sigh.

[hhaw]

Concentrate on the many wins, 7.

DS LOVES his school and made friends!!!!!! Woo hoo!

Judges like the keep the status quo in place...... it's not good to jerk kids in and out of schools.

Congrats on the win: )

[sevenyears]

So, the saga continues. DS was doing well last week, liked the school, playing with friends. all wonderful things. His only "complaint" was that after two weeks, he still didn't know how to do addition!  I don't know how he is doing this week - he's with his father, who now refuses to honor our agreement for twice weekly video calls. Sigh.

Anyway, I called the school today to speak with the teachers about his placement in a certain group since they hadn't responded to my message, and reached the principal. The principal said she intends to call us both me and UNOCPD ExH to her office to discuss ExH's behavior and its impact on DS. Apparently, ExH continues to bully the school and DS in front of other parents, who have been complaining to the principal.

I am so sad for my DS. He shouldnt be having to go through this. So the list of agencies complaining about ExH is growing: the school, the school board, my daughter's social worker, the state-supported group for children of divorce... It's well-known that he is a problem, but changing the parenting agreement and/or custody is almost impossible.

Two more days and then my kiddos will be back for a week. 

[Penny Lane]

I have to think that eventually he will go after the wrong agency and there will be real consequences to his custody? He doesn't seem to know where the limit is. Hang in there being the stable, reasonable parent.

Even if it never reaches that level, there are informal consequences. DH has seen this. Teachers, doctors, other parents, etc. typically go to the mom. But over the years he's developed a reputation as being the go to parent. Teachers call him first, other parents text him about playdates, the front office at the school knows who to go to when kids are sick. Eventually your ex will shut himself out of the spaces where decisions are being made for the kids, because other people won't want to deal with him. That is the benefit (for you) of taking the high road to other people.

[sevenyears]

So last week, the director told me that she is worried about DS due to the pressure exerted by UNOCPD ExH. Meanwhile, ExH is harassing the school's director and at least one of DS's teachers. Today the director told me she wants my son to transfer schools due to the reputational damages XH is causing. She wasn't specific, said that she will inform me more tomorrow.   Meanwhile, ExH is undermining DS. He still complains openly about the school, told DS he didn't have to do the homework the teacher assigned, and won't let him join any afternoon activities.

[Penny Lane]

Sevenyears, I'm so sorry. BM has certainly done the same to us - you finally think you have a victory, in court or whatever, and the PD shows that they're willing to hurt the kids until the victory is a hollow one. We almost never cave to her bad behavior, but sometimes you have no choice. As always, whatever you do here - he's leaving you no good choice.

Whether or not you take this to court, I recommend documenting hard. His behavior is objectively terrible and it undermines a court order (if I understand you right). If you drop it now, it might be helpful to have in your back pocket in the future.

[sevenyears]

I never heard back from the director, except a short email saying that the school will be prepared to deliver a report if asked by the court.  I don't know if the director can make DS transfer without my agreement. Meanwhile, UNOCPD EXH refuses to let DS6 do his homework. Although firstgraders are graded, their grades are not part of their official school record. DS' school is set up so that children have lessons, followed by a study hall with teachers who help them with their classwork in order to master the materials. If the children don't complete their work in study hall, then they have to do it at home. Well, ExH picks up DS right in the middle of study hall, so DS has to take homework with him (and sometimes there is still homework even after the complete study hall). DS is a first grader - mastering the materials is done by repetition.  Last week while DS was with me, he had to write half of page of a letter, and three sentences about his bedroom. And, he was sooooo proud of himself and what he could write. And, he was so happy for me to watch him do his homework. That UNOCPD EXH denies himself the opportunity to see DS' pride in his accomplishments because he is angry at me, is his choice. That UNOCPD EXH denies DS opportunities to master new skills and to be proud of himself is awful. If this weren't a 50/50 parenting system, I wouldn't worry so much, but I cant imagine how this will work during DS' elementary school years and what the impact will be in later years.

[Penny Lane]

I'm so sorry. If it makes you feel any better, I don't think he will be able to keep this up long term. You are in the thick of it right now - I don't think he can sustain this level of making things difficult in the long term.

In the meantime, 

[hhaw]

My experience with PDs is different, Penny.  The word relentless pops up for me.

The choices to placate the PD parent
or
force compliance through the courts are the hard choices, ime.

Placating is cheaper.  Courts are expensive in every way, but enforcement of a Judges Order might be done without paying an attorney....not sure.  Being in contempt is about the PD and your ability to prove the contemp.

It appears your son is being harmed by the PD's refusal to support his son in this school.  Being asked to leave the school seems like an obviously negative consequence of the PD's actions.

Perhaps your Judge will have a remedy for this problem if the matter is brought before him and bullyboy explained with clarity?



I know Judges are like attorneys....they dislike being challenged, they have egos and aren't afraid to lash out when provoked.

Whatever is in your Order, 7, which can be enforced through the courts..... that's what I'd be looking at hard.