Feeling so discouraged right now

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I've seen the specialist again.  The odds are overwhelmingly against me.  But nothing is 100%.  So now we wait and watch.

I'm trying to figure out how to best plan for an eventual nursing home type placement, if necessary.  Unless I escape this, I will need one before I pass. (It feels horrible just to write that.)  I'm seeing what business needs to be taken care of.  I have a few friends I can bounce things off of, but I am basically alone in this.  It's triggering after living a life where the family around me were not there when needed.  Like " &#%#, I have to do this alone too? "

But what is bothering me most now is not the fear of death.  It's the fear of living ... as openly and confidently as others I know naturally do.  Without the burden and shame of the old tapes about being unwanted and not good enough for others.  The self nurturing tools have helped me immensely in accepting myself.  But they haven't helped me very much in feeling  that I can trust others to accept me.  I'm trying to step out in faith some .... baby steps.  The healing is so slow after being so hobbled from the PD FOO growing up.  I feel like I've already run out the clock almost.

It's so discouraging to think this may be all the better I ever get.  That isn't how I've been imagining it will go up to now.   I guess I thought I'd someday finally fit in this world, socialize without fear, feel that I've healed enough, feel worthy, able to live free and easy ...  not that there wouldn't be problems, which there always are.  Just facing it all as a whole person who has nothing to be ashamed of -- which I don't really think I do.   But I'm still afraid of people, afraid they'll clobber me if I try to be an equal part of.  My history with pw PD's has made me timid.  I didn't want to die like this, and I hope I don't.

I miss having a partner.  Even a messed up one with PDs.  I guess I can feel grateful that I've had the support and the fortitude to enable me to stay NC, even through this.  Thanks, everyone, for providing a soft place to land when things get hard for us. ❤

[Poison Ivy]

I'm sorry the medical odds are against you. That is crushing news.

Do you have a therapist or religious adviser (e.g., a priest or minister)? I'm wondering whether it might help to talk with someone about your feelings. They sound  like "unfinished business" feelings, and I think they're common to people with serious illnesses.

[Boat Babe]

I think we all live this life with unfinished business but that is precious little consolation to you right now. I totally understand your feelings Looking 2 B Free and hold you a big digital hug.

[notrightinthehead]

Big big hug from me too. And I just want to point out, even though it might be very little, that on here you have found some mates to whom you can show yourself unafraid, are not clobbered for it,  are respected and accepted. Where, in a way, you belong.

[Sapling]

Lookin 2 B Free, I'm so sorry things are so tough right now. I can understand why you're feeling triggered and missing a partner at this moment. I would feel the same. All I can say is I'm thinking of you and rooting for you, as are others on here. Hang in there while you wait for more information.
And please remember that if you're good enough for us on this forum, then you're good enough for others out there. Sending you a hug, and please keep us posted 

PS. (I just posted some short self-compassion meditations in Other Media Resources section that might help with holding difficult feelings). They might help you on rough days.

[losingmyself]

Prayers and love and support to you.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Awwww.  So sweet and heartwarming, all of you. 

Thank you for posting the meditations!  I'm trying to remind myself to be really gentle with myself right now. 

My trauma T should be back in 2 or 3 weeks.  That will really help.  I think the Covid restrictions (which were only lifted for me for a few weeks) are kind of getting to me.  I'm thinking of busting out of here for a 3 or 4 day trip soon.  Heck, I have thoughts of dropping out of my whole life here, which contains a lot of responsibilities,   Go live somewhere else for a while.  Somehow the world and people here would manage just fine without me.   Then I could come back after awhile if I wanted, once I'd shaken off the Klingons and they'd found some other source to get their needs met.

My mind is a parade these days -- rash ideas, anger, sadness, disbelief, exhaustion, and times of wellbeing.  I just have to remember that that's okay and probably very typical.  The odd part of this medical news is that we don't know for sure if this will develop further or not .... or if it does, how long that will take.  We only know the probability is high.

You know what I want to do?  I want to walk out in the world and express, in a full-throated way, everything I have to share (that's appropriate to express) and be so "there" for myself that it's really okay to risk the disapproval of others' who don't agree with what I say or my right to say it.  I'm not talking about trying to provoke anything.  I'm talking about "It's okay to be me and show myself to the world!"  And if some person who's high in narc traits wants to shoot me down (boy am i familiar with that situation), just be right there with myself in knowing that I have every bit as much right to express "me" in this world as anyone else.  It feels so good to think of this and share it with all of you, I wonder if maybe I really will be able to start doing it!    (Me being there for me.)

[Sapling]

You know what I want to do?  I want to walk out in the world and express, in a full-throated way, everything I have to share (that's appropriate to express) and be so "there" for myself that it's really okay to risk the disapproval of others' who don't agree with what I say or my right to say it.  I'm not talking about trying to provoke anything.  I'm talking about "It's okay to be me and show myself to the world!"  And if some person who's high in narc traits wants to shoot me down (boy am i familiar with that situation), just be right there with myself in knowing that I have every bit as much right to express "me" in this world as anyone else.  It feels so good to think of this and share it with all of you, I wonder if maybe I really will be able to start doing it!    (Me being there for me.)

Do it!  Just keep visualizing what this looks like for you and see what opens up. Your vision of full-throated expression and being there for yourself is really moving. What a great way to live. Thank you for sharing.

[1footouttadefog]

MYbe you can use this news to catapult yourself I to a new transitionary life.

One where you can optimise things for both potentials.  Like having a foot in two ponds so to speak. 

Something that would manageable if your condition progresses, and paired down that a needed transition would be doable.  Yet one that let's you live to your best potential now. 

Relocation, a new job, selling assets to simplify things, all all potential consideratuons. 

Maybe in making changes you can find yourself with new circumstances, new goals and positive people in your life. 

[Lookin 2 B Free]

It's true.  There does seem to be some feeling of potential and newness.  I have so little to lose since I'm not trying to position myself for some eventual future.   

When I exit this life, be it in 3 yrs or 30 yrs, there's nothing I can take with me -- no advantage I've built up from being careful, no support system I've gathered through people pleasing,  no "atta girl" from being over responsible,  no status from making sure I don't goof up so I can remain looking good.  For what purpose should I live like that?  There's no "You Lived Your Life as a Nice Person" award at the end.

It's a burden, a bag of heavy stones I've been dragging around, to live worrying about that stuff and having it affect my every interaction and my feelings about myself.  All because I learned early on that I had no worth if I didn't do that, and I'd be left all alone.  I could just never risk that up to now.

It doesn't have to stay that way.  I don't have to spend my last years believing those messages or carrying out the roles given to me when I was young.  I don't have to treat myself as though I'm not worth any more than that. 

And if they were right and the world won't accept the real and fully expressed me (which I really don't think will happen)?  It will have been worth it anyway.  What really matters is that I accept me and know my worth, regardless of what anyone else says or does.

I'm already starting this in recent days.  Speaking out more, doing new things.  It feels great!

[Poison Ivy]

You are inspiring me, Lookin 2 B Free.