How to deal with blame from being deemed unwelcome

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cheerfulgiverlove

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How to deal with blame from being deemed unwelcome
« on: August 16, 2021, 04:02:17 PM »
My CDparent is telling me they can't sleep or eat any longer because of the amount of time it's been since me and my Nparent have spoken.  Over a month ago my Nparent decided to block me from coming to their house, without directly telling me like they did last year (told me I was banned).  I have respected their request for space since "I stress them out".  Each week I continued to ask if I could visit and was rejected each time. Since I'm not groveling, or calling, or sending cards, both of my parents believe this is a proof I don't love my Nparent and if I would just reach out this would all be solved. It sounds like my Nparent has been talking end of life plans with my CDparent, which is giving them urgency to try to get me to see how Nparent doesn't feel loved and this is not going to end well.  I am sad that my Nparent is going through this, but I am afraid to put myself in a situation where I am on the receiving end of a rage outburst (If I call). I also know that I did not cause this, that they were the one to push for space so they should be the ones to come back when ready.  It's so hard not to get wrapped up in the guilt and fear that they spin.  Any advice would be appreciated, I feel so alone and lost  :'(

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nanotech

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Re: How to deal with blame from being deemed unwelcome
« Reply #1 on: August 16, 2021, 05:12:06 PM »
When someone starts telling you they aren’t going to sleep or eat until you comply….
Hmmm it’s really very arm-twisting behaviour isn’t it?
Emotional blackmail feels so horrible on top of being banned. I’ve been there with this, so I know and I’m sending a lot of hugs.
So…………they’ve effectively banned you again by saying enough to trigger the last shunning.
They do that so that they can get Nsupply from your fearfulness and your acute discomfort. Like my parents, they need the fussing and fawning. 
Totally yucky behaviour.
Is it possible for you to detach emotionally?  Try not to respond with your feelings. Respond with thoughts instead. That way your buttons won’t get pressed. Then you can make a decision on whether to ring.
 If you do ring, set some boundaries first. You don’t have to tell them, they are for you. They  can involve such things as the  subject matter you are prepared to discuss, the length of the call, non -acceptance of emotional escalation.  You do not have to stay on the line if your boundaries are crossed or even threatened.
Remember you’re a grown  up and no longer their child. The conditioning tends to keep us feeling we are still vulnerable,  and in their power.  We’re not. We have choices.


« Last Edit: August 16, 2021, 06:06:52 PM by nanotech »

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SunnyMeadow

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Re: How to deal with blame from being deemed unwelcome
« Reply #2 on: August 16, 2021, 05:15:40 PM »
This is so hard cheerfulgiverlove.

Your parents are really into drama and chaos. It's awful that they are putting you into this mess so they can get their narc supply. For me this would make it easier to go NC with both of them for awhile. They told you that you were banned, they said you stress them out, they reject your offers to visit. This is not a healthy dynamic. I'd tell my cd-parent that these games are much too hurtful and that I'm going NC.

Sad but they can play these games all by themselves. Keep in the mind the 3 C's, detachment and boundaries - all found in the toolbox above

« Last Edit: August 16, 2021, 05:17:58 PM by SunnyMeadow »

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Cat of the Canals

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Re: How to deal with blame from being deemed unwelcome
« Reply #3 on: August 16, 2021, 05:56:24 PM »
My CDparent is telling me they can't sleep or eat any longer because of the amount of time it's been since me and my Nparent have spoken. 

Maybe it would help if it were rephrased in a more truthful, accurate way.
Your CDparent can't sleep or eat because your Nparent is likely punishing them in reaction to the fact that you haven't sufficiently groveled.
To simplify it further: your Nparent is abusing your CDparent. The "why" doesn't matter, because if it wasn't about YOU it would be about something else. Likewise if they weren't abusing your CDparent, they'd be abusing someone else.

If your Nparent is like mine, there's a simple pattern. When the Nparent is displeased, even in the smallest way, someone will pay. This is an ongoing cycle your CDparent is unwilling to break, and that is on them, frankly. Not only because they are an adult and thus personally responsible for their own choices, but because there isn't actually anything you can do to "save" them. You can't "make" them leave the Nparent. That is a choice only they can make.

The best you could do would be the volunteer to be Nparent's piñata for a while, just to give CDparent a break, which is kind of what they are asking you to do here... and that is a whole different realm of YIKES! What parent would ask that of their child?

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moglow

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Re: How to deal with blame from being deemed unwelcome
« Reply #4 on: August 16, 2021, 08:05:17 PM »
Quote
...Each week I continued to ask if I could visit and was rejected each time. Since I'm not groveling, or calling, or sending cards, both of my parents believe this is a proof I don't love my Nparent and if I would just reach out this would all be solved.

But you ARE/were reaching out. Repeatedly rebuffed, told they need space. Now they seem to think you should beg? So which is it, parents - you actually want space or you're pushing your child away?? Yes they're dictating terms, but perhaps they need to recall the old adage: be careful what you ask for.

You're doing nothing wrong and don't have to accept tickets on their guilt trip. As you pointed out - you tell me you need space, it's up to you to reach out when you're ready.
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.”  ~ Cap'n Spanky

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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Hattie

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Re: How to deal with blame from being deemed unwelcome
« Reply #5 on: August 16, 2021, 08:51:02 PM »
This is just really bizarre and toxic behaviour. Truthfully I would stop asking to visit and just live your own life for a while. Maybe spend some time cultivating connections with nice people who appreciate you.

It is sad that your codependent parent isn't doing well, but that really isn't your problem. It is on them to work on their own codependency.
Love is patient; love is kind.
It does not envy; it does not boast.
It is not proud. It does not dishonour others.
It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered.
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

1 Corinthians 13: 5-8.

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cheerfulgiverlove

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Re: How to deal with blame from being deemed unwelcome
« Reply #6 on: August 16, 2021, 10:25:21 PM »
When someone starts telling you they aren’t going to sleep or eat until you comply….
Hmmm it’s really very arm-twisting behaviour isn’t it?
Emotional blackmail feels so horrible on top of being banned. I’ve been there with this, so I know and I’m sending a lot of hugs.
So…………they’ve effectively banned you again by saying enough to trigger the last shunning.
They do that so that they can get Nsupply from your fearfulness and your acute discomfort. Like my parents, they need the fussing and fawning. 
Totally yucky behaviour.
Is it possible for you to detach emotionally?  Try not to respond with your feelings. Respond with thoughts instead. That way your buttons won’t get pressed. Then you can make a decision on whether to ring.
 If you do ring, set some boundaries first. You don’t have to tell them, they are for you. They  can involve such things as the  subject matter you are prepared to discuss, the length of the call, non -acceptance of emotional escalation.  You do not have to stay on the line if your boundaries are crossed or even threatened.
Remember you’re a grown  up and no longer their child. The conditioning tends to keep us feeling we are still vulnerable,  and in their power.  We’re not. We have choices.

Thanks nanotech :) yeah it's a pity party with CDparent. They complain about everything and never make a positive change. It's always someone else's fault, some external event or person available to blame for their ongoing misery. In this situation, they insist they aren't blaming me while they push me to just shower Nparent with "love" during this tantrum.  It's already been decided that if Nparent does something drastic, I will be to blame.

I am detached in a healthy way where I finally trust myself to lead my life, where Nparent's words/tactics no longer hurt me, but I do think today I was not detached emotionally with CDparent and went too far with my awakened view. When I share my truth, CDparent usually belittles me by saying I am judgmental and look down on them from a high horse, which is not true at all.  I know that is coming from insecurity within them. CDparent has also been invalidating me by saying I don't sound genuine because I sound like a therapist or a book.  It's hurtful in the moment but I'm LEARNING and GROWING, and I would've never been able to get out of these destructive patterns by following CDparent's example. No one was born knowing everything, getting help and becoming healthier is not something I will ever be ashamed about. It's sad that they take my healing and happiness as a threat and attack on them, but it's one more thing I have to accept about my parents.

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cheerfulgiverlove

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Re: How to deal with blame from being deemed unwelcome
« Reply #7 on: August 16, 2021, 10:32:36 PM »
This is so hard cheerfulgiverlove.

Your parents are really into drama and chaos. It's awful that they are putting you into this mess so they can get their narc supply. For me this would make it easier to go NC with both of them for awhile. They told you that you were banned, they said you stress them out, they reject your offers to visit. This is not a healthy dynamic. I'd tell my cd-parent that these games are much too hurtful and that I'm going NC.

Sad but they can play these games all by themselves. Keep in the mind the 3 C's, detachment and boundaries - all found in the toolbox above



Thanks SunnyMeadow! Thanks for the 3C reminder, I wholeheartedly believe that.  I wish I practiced JADE better today haha. It is sad, they've played these games their whole lives and are now by themselves. Our small family unit is estranged from BOTH sides of the family - that is no coincidence and now I see the role Nparent had in that, where I was conditioned to believe it was everyone else's fault but theirs.

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cheerfulgiverlove

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Re: How to deal with blame from being deemed unwelcome
« Reply #8 on: August 16, 2021, 10:41:56 PM »
My CDparent is telling me they can't sleep or eat any longer because of the amount of time it's been since me and my Nparent have spoken. 

Maybe it would help if it were rephrased in a more truthful, accurate way.
Your CDparent can't sleep or eat because your Nparent is likely punishing them in reaction to the fact that you haven't sufficiently groveled.
To simplify it further: your Nparent is abusing your CDparent. The "why" doesn't matter, because if it wasn't about YOU it would be about something else. Likewise if they weren't abusing your CDparent, they'd be abusing someone else.

If your Nparent is like mine, there's a simple pattern. When the Nparent is displeased, even in the smallest way, someone will pay. This is an ongoing cycle your CDparent is unwilling to break, and that is on them, frankly. Not only because they are an adult and thus personally responsible for their own choices, but because there isn't actually anything you can do to "save" them. You can't "make" them leave the Nparent. That is a choice only they can make.

The best you could do would be the volunteer to be Nparent's piñata for a while, just to give CDparent a break, which is kind of what they are asking you to do here... and that is a whole different realm of YIKES! What parent would ask that of their child?

Thanks Cat of the Canals, the simplification was really helpful for me. "Someone will pay" wow how true. CDparent takes the brunt but chooses this life. It's all twisted up in toxic "love" -- they take the abuse because they "love" them, I'm not showing "love" to my Nparent, therefore I have the "power" to stop this if I would just be a more loving person.  In reality, Nparent rejects my true love because I am not the brainless, lost adult child I was a few years ago that needed their approval at every turn. So no matter what I do it's never enough, and it never will be enough because I'm only moving forward in my growing and healing path, not backwards.

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cheerfulgiverlove

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Re: How to deal with blame from being deemed unwelcome
« Reply #9 on: August 16, 2021, 10:49:19 PM »
Quote
...Each week I continued to ask if I could visit and was rejected each time. Since I'm not groveling, or calling, or sending cards, both of my parents believe this is a proof I don't love my Nparent and if I would just reach out this would all be solved.

But you ARE/were reaching out. Repeatedly rebuffed, told they need space. Now they seem to think you should beg? So which is it, parents - you actually want space or you're pushing your child away?? Yes they're dictating terms, but perhaps they need to recall the old adage: be careful what you ask for.

You're doing nothing wrong and don't have to accept tickets on their guilt trip. As you pointed out - you tell me you need space, it's up to you to reach out when you're ready.

Thanks moglow. It helps to hear that. It's so hard to hear directly and indirectly over and over again that everything I do just isn't enough, isn't really loving, and that every outburst I receive are justified because "I just don't love them."  Then they'll switch it up and say maybe you love us, but you don't like us.   :stars: 

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cheerfulgiverlove

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Re: How to deal with blame from being deemed unwelcome
« Reply #10 on: August 16, 2021, 10:52:26 PM »
This is just really bizarre and toxic behaviour. Truthfully I would stop asking to visit and just live your own life for a while. Maybe spend some time cultivating connections with nice people who appreciate you.

It is sad that your codependent parent isn't doing well, but that really isn't your problem. It is on them to work on their own codependency.

Thanks Hattie, I appreciate the advice and definitely want to cultivate the healthy relationships I have in my life. The bible verse in your signature was one of the many gifts I was given in my spiritual awakening.  It was one of the things that opened my soul to what actual love is!  :)