First time in my life I haven't called Mom on her birthday...

[Tribe16]

I didn't think it would eat me up as much as it is. I've kind of been a mess all day.

My last call with my Mom was not good. In fact they've been so bad lately that I made the decision to stop calling and only send cards, which I've done.  I feel sort of triggered and traumatized for days each time I get off the phone with her.  She is so cold, indifferent, uninterested, condescending. The last call I held it together with medium chill but shoot, it is painful. I sent an Amazon gift. I sent a text. I know I probably sound pathetic. I'm probably cringing at the thought of her finding fault with my not calling, and I shouldn't care what she thinks anymore, all the experts tell me to stop caring what she thinks, my therapist tells me to stop caring what she thinks... the logical part of me knows this but there is the part of me that thinks I'm being a terrible daughter. I'm avoiding Facebook because I don't want to see all the Happy Birthday ___________ posts that will show up on my feed (we have a pretty big family).

This may sound juvenile, but if she would just be a nicer person, this could have all been avoided. Ugh. I feel like I've gone 2 steps backward today. 

[Cat of the Canals]

I've spent the past six months or so putting distance between myself and PDmom. Once a week calls down to once a month. It felt very unnatural at first, and still does if I stop and think about it for too long. Not just the fact that I am -- for once -- not putting her needs first, but also that she doesn't seem to care. Which is silly, of course. I certainly don't want her to make a fuss about it. But I wonder about it... is this her reaction to me no longer getting narc supply from me? Is she nagging at enDad behind the scenes (her usual M.O.) and I just haven't heard about it yet? I know I shouldn't care, and it's not necessarily something I obsess over, but it is curious to me.

It sounds like this is a big change for you, so give yourself some time to adjust. I think you'll grow more confident as time goes on.

[moglow]

"This may sound juvenile, but if she would just be a nicer person, this could have all been avoided." Doesn't sound juvenile to me at all!! We've said same about mine - how in earth are you to want anything to do with that, with them being so nasty/hateful for no reason?! I mean seriously - they think people like being around that, want to respond when another is doing nothing more than lashing out?

Let's be serious - you still acknowledged her birthday. If she's indifferent and uncaring, that's on HER.

[Tribe16]

Thank you Cat and Moglow. I'm a lot better today than I was yesterday. I'm pretty sure I have CD issues of my own and sometimes they rear their ugly head. My mom sent back a brief semi-affectionate text back to thank me.  My plan is to stay the course for awhile and stick to texts and cards for now. Just having to listen to her resentment is very triggering. Better I don't hear that right now. I'm glad Cat that you have felt less of a strain since you started backing away. Thanks again to you both for your encouragement.

[Amedee]

Tribe16 - just popping in to say I really identify with your post.  "Cold, indifferent, uninterested, uncaring" ..... Yep.  So subtle, and yet so devastating.  So impossible to explain to other family members. (At least, for me)  So hard and triggering to draw that line in the sand, since you've always been the one overfunctioning to maintain some kind of connection.  You don't sound juvenile at all.

[SunnyMeadow]

This may sound juvenile, but if she would just be a nicer person, this could have all been avoided. Ugh. I feel like I've gone 2 steps backward today. 

Doesn't sound juvenile to me. I think this same thing quite often. If my mom wasn't so conniving and craving drama, life could have been so much better. We had a huge combined family and now she's got 2 people left. She's trying to draw in a grandchild to get dirt on the grandchild's parents but it's not working. That's how sick she is.

I'm sorry you are being eaten up by this. I get it. Life is so much better when we don't have to hear their voices and non-stop spiels about themselves. The money and time spent on mailed cards and shipped gifts is worth it if we don't have to talk to them.

You know what gets to me? We spend so much time thinking about them, their feelings, their reactions but how much time do they think about us?? Very little I suspect. 

[blacksheep7]

You know what gets to me? We spend so much time thinking about them, their feelings, their reactions but how much time do they think about us?? Very little I suspect. 

  All they think about is how we hurt them.  No thoughts or remorse for their actions, only victimhood.

Omgosh Tribe16, you are not a terrible daughter!  You are only reacting to an  unpleasant, cold, indifferent and condescending Mother, as you wrote.  How else are you supposed to feel?  The deep rooted guilt and shame you feel (being a terible daughter) has been created by her, to avoid  looking at herself, her hurt and fears.

If everyone is telling you to stop caring of what she thinks, they are right even though we know how hard it can be once we're in this mess with the narcissist, that's all we think about.
When you think of her, change your thoughts and work on yourself as to why you feel this guilt.  Guilt is a  very strong and important phase to process and work through because that is what holds us back when we come Out of the FOG, ime.

[Tribe16]

Thank you for the kind comments.

Haven't spoken with Mom since August 8th - no plans to call any time soon. Last time we spoke, she informed me she got all the info she needed from my Dad and Facebook, so why was I calling? Interestingly enough, Dad hasn't brought her up in the last several phone calls, and I haven't asked about her. And I've posted/interacted way less on Facebook. And not with her at all, although she is commenting excessively on all the kids posts, more than she ever used to. I don't know what Dad tells her, I don't really care what he tells her. The last card I sent let her know I would respect the "Dad tells me... Facebook" comment (yes, I reminded her of her words) and if she ever changed her mind about that I'd be happy to chat. Not holding my breath, but at least she knows the ball is in her court and if she wants to continue the silent treatment, fine by me. It hurts being rejected by your Mom, but through therapy I think I finally got that it was never about me as a person. Finally.

[AlisonWonder]

Tribe16 it's so hard, isn't it?  Don't give up on yourself, it takes many steps to get away.  I hope you can find some anger inside to help you do what you feel you need to do.

Yesterday was my son's birthday, he sounds similar to your mother, and we aren't in touch for that reason.  I should have taken the day off for self-care, but I will know next year.  It's the learning and anticipation that makes the difference to how we manage.

[Tribe16]

Hi AlisonWonder,

I'm sorry you are dealing with estrangement with your son - I can't imagine. That would be so hard, I'm glad you are here.

I still haven't talked to Mom since 8/8 - strangely enough, she did this big gushy "Happy Daughter's Day" post on Facebook and tagged both my sister and I. She won't give me the time of day but she makes a big show on Facebook? It feels so hollow. My sister responded nicely back, I couldn't do it. I left a heart emoji and left it at that. If she actually cared she'd just pick up the phone and have a conversation like a normal human being, but this show-everybody-how-lovey-dovey-I-am stuff on Facebook... it's cringey. And part of me says "She's trying", and that she's immature enough that an emoji relationship is all she can handle.

I just don't do fake very well. I'm a terrible poker player.

[1footouttadefog]

It sounds like you found a safe level of interaction that fits your level of connection.

Keeping it safe and healthy can mean anything from full on relationship to exchanging  in an emogi level back and forth conversation, to gray rock to NC.

It's okay if it works for you and does her no harm.