Looking for grief support

[ambivalent1]

My mother died 6 weeks ago from cancer.  She drained everything I had out of me.  I am looking for any forums or chat rooms for what I understand is called "complicated grief."

[moglow]

I'm so sorry for your loss - Including grieving the parent you never seem to have had. I believe all of us here are grieving on varying levels, some more permanent than others.

Ambivalent1, your mother sounds much like mine, the sheer lack of interest. It's so painful at times and hard for me to grasp. It's not what I somehow thought mother was supposed to be.

It IS complicated. We think we "should" feel more. Everyone outside seems to tell us how empty we are for not feeling "more," no clue how we got where we are.

Talk it out, write it out, know you're not alone. We're here with you.

[Sneezy]

I'm so sorry for your loss.  Talk to us here.  Even those of us who don't have a lot of good advice to offer can be sympathetic listeners.

Grief is a weird thing.  We are told, by society, that we should feel a certain way when we lose a parent, but what if we don't?  I had lunch with a friend a few weeks ago - her mother had died in the spring and she told me how difficult it was to have everyone feeling sorry for her and sending her sympathy cards, when the truth is that she and her mother didn't have a great relationship.  While I don't know how it feels (my mom is still here and still being difficult), I imagine it must be painful to deal with losing your mom, no matter what type of relationship you had.  And given how much of your time your mother took, it must feel weird to have an empty calendar all of a sudden.

Sending you all the best - keep posting 

[Andeza]

Complicated grief, as in intense, overwhelming, ongoing without improvement sort of grief may in this case be pointing toward unresolved issues due to the struggles of your childhood and an abusive home, and then ongoing abuse into adulthood. It's a lot to deal with. No one here would ever tap their foot and say you're taking too long or tell you that your grief is wrong somehow.

It takes the time it takes. Now if you feel that this is impacting your life with so much negativity that you cannot function in the real world, or you are unable to take care of yourself, please, please, please, talk to someone even if only a PCP about getting a little extra help in the here and now. Sometimes a little extra help can give you the edge you need to begin to process things that are otherwise so monumental you feel like you can't even begin to take it on.

There's no right or wrong here. No timeline. No time limit. There's only you and what you need.

[1footouttadefog]

Complicated grief and disenfranchised grief are subjects I am familiar with.

I have a mentally I pared spouse.  As far as I am conerned I lost my spouse almost 20 years ago.  But I never got a casserole, or a card.

I have lost several close friends and two life long friends that were not as close this year. 

I am disenfranchised from my grief because in many ways. I'mnot supposed to be having strong feelings of loss for these folks, according to flippant society, and pop culture.

They were old so I should expect the lose and get over it.  Uhh age does not change intensity of connection and loss.

One was mentally ill and I was not in constant contact when he withdrew so I am not supposed to feel a loss after 40 years. 

One has been accused of a crime and has been awaiting trial for years now.  I don't choose to contact and it stinks to lose this person.  Despite the deception there are still things I liked about this person and I will miss them.

One is just a friend, but we are emotionally very connected.  Maybe the last remaining person on the planet who actually knows me, the real me, will go soon. 

Don't let society define your grief or qualify it, or quantify it, or tell you it's good bad or deserved or anything.

It's yours.  Feel the feelings.  They are yours and they matter.  No one else has to understand or recognize or validate them.  Feel them, deal with them and learn from them.  Althewhile be strengthened by the process and proceed on life's path to the better life, the best possible life.