Putting on my armor

[JustKeepTrying]

Sent my OCPDxh an email last week over some leftover divorce matters.  The house has not been sold and it's been two years - he has used some excuse or another and I didn't push.  My older daughters have bought his line and I am trying to keep a relationship with them.  So no pushing but now it is time.  Two years is enough.  I'm leaving the area in six weeks and I want the papers signed before then.

And there is really no good reason for the house not to be sold until now.  Realistically.  It could be done.  But I took the high road and I hope it pays off.

So I'm sending this email and I know this is the last tie to him.  The last legal thing keeping us together.  I read my response over carefully.  It is polite.  Pointed but not angry.  I deleted and softened where needed and I sent.  So much easier to communicate with him over email.

But here is the thing.  I know that I will see him sometime - perhaps a few times - over this house.  Just today I stoppped by with my DS19 and when he saw his dad was home he said "I don't want to see him I'll come back another time."  All he wanted was an item he left in his bedroom.

So I can't sleep because I'm all emotionally triggered.  And I know the next six weeks are going to be tough.  And it hit me - I need to put the tool box to work - get out the grey rock and medium chill and wear them like armor.  I need to make them almost a physcial object that I can cover myself with so I can mentally survive this next phase.

After this, I'm gone.  I am out of this town and all the memories.  I am taking the time to find that young strong girl that I buried in order to survive 32 years of marriage to an emotionally financially and physically abusive man.  I am goind to tap into her again and regain my inner confidence.  I will live in nature and heal.  Take the time to really look at those wounds and reflect, grow and learn to  live with the emotion.  To move beyond it and create new memories.  Rewrite my old behaviors and start over.  I can truly be whoever I want to be. 

But until then, I need to wear the armor.  I need to survive this next period of time and keep it together.  Suit up.

[Boat Babe]

It's your drama armour. The more you see him for what he is, the less it will trigger you.
Not easy I know. Sending huge hugs. ❤️

[Cat of the Canals]

Don't forget lots of self-care in the brief "armor-off moments." Wearing the armor works, but it's called armor because it is heavy, and wearing it for prolonged periods of time is EXHAUSTING.

[Andeza]

That's an excellent point, you can't, and shouldn't, live in your armor 24/7.

[Amadahy]

Congratulations on well-deserved plans!  I'm wishing you every blessing and all the healing.  Keep us posted! ❤️

[Poison Ivy]

I used to imagine myself being surrounded by a wall, which I could see and hear through and through which others could see and hear me, but I was protected physically. That helped a bit in difficult situations.

[JustKeepTrying]

It is as bad as I feared and I worry that it will derail my plans.  I so desperately need to travel and spend lots and lots of time in nature to heal but there have been so many obstacles thrown at me now it is difficult.

I keep putting on my armor, practicing self care and journaling what now seems to be multiple times a day.  I am feeling so low now.  So tired and just zapped of all anything.

Like I did before I left him.  He is such an energy sucker.  How I survived 32 years is a mystery.

Still weeks to go.  Part of me is imagining a scenario where I toss a figurative match and walk away from it all.  But I won't.  Somehow I will find some reserves and dig deep.

Sigh