Dads getting worse with being able to cope with things mentally but wont listen

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Just as well, he'd probably nag you about being self employed and not having a "proper" job if he understood it at all. And absolutely not be able to understand the benefits. Ugh.

Great job putting him on an information diet regardibg your getaway.

[1footouttadefog]

Information diet, great phrase.  Been practicing it with pdh, now he is on info IV drip.

The types of things you say your father focuses in, Like the idea the hotel won't really get paid for are so familiar.

I guess they come from anxiety or such, very hard on relationship and communication.  It makes me feel objectified, like I am communicated with just for negative stimulation for my odhs anxiety.  Like he is hooked on negativity and I am activated so he can look for another fix.

I am a source of second hand anxiety.  I wonder of he sabotaged my affirts so many times just to get his fix vicariously because he did not want to take risks and encounter challenges himself.

[p123]

Just as well, he'd probably nag you about being self employed and not having a "proper" job if he understood it at all. And absolutely not be able to understand the benefits. Ugh.

Great job putting him on an information diet regardibg your getaway.

Oh yes I've had that MANY times.....

Dads philosophy in life has always been "to be on the safe side". Hes never taken a risk EVER. Which is why he pretty much worked in a factory all his life.
Now Im not for one moment suggesting Im better than him at all BUT its the opposite of me.

Ive done loads, been to college, do very well. ITs not Dads world at all I get that.... Hes got a bit nasty in the past though trying to give me advice. That I wont deal with.... He has no idea AT ALL.

Hes still going on about the redundancy thing. I tried to explain. If you go to a supermarket, then decide to stop going and go to another, do you expect to have to give the first one money to not go there any more? He still doesnt get it.

[p123]

Information diet, great phrase.  Been practicing it with pdh, now he is on info IV drip.

The types of things you say your father focuses in, Like the idea the hotel won't really get paid for are so familiar.

I guess they come from anxiety or such, very hard on relationship and communication.  It makes me feel objectified, like I am communicated with just for negative stimulation for my odhs anxiety.  Like he is hooked on negativity and I am activated so he can look for another fix.

I am a source of second hand anxiety.  I wonder of he sabotaged my affirts so many times just to get his fix vicariously because he did not want to take risks and encounter challenges himself.

Yep hes spent his life worrying about what might happen and hence does nothing....

He gets letters from the bank and asks me to read them. Standard t+Cs rubbish then he flaps. Then he wants me to ring the bank just in case it was urgent? NOOOOOO
Same with when I took him out to a sporting event. I'd booked wheelchair space. Can I phone them to make absolutely sure its booked? What if it isnt?

Its just crazy sometimes....

[1footouttadefog]

Tough to live with.

My pdh gets fixated in stuff like that then gets angry when I disengage.  It's so tiring.

Have to bring him home instead of placing him due to covid.  Information diet is a word I need to keep in mind.

I have told him this will be like being in an assisted living situation, I will not be discussing stressful aspects of life with him, he will have to find new topics of discussion based on television or books and what happens at the adult health care program.

I am going to try to get him to bird watch and manage an herb garden and such.

[lkdrymom]

My father got like that.  He'd call me at work and want to read every piece of junk mail to me thinking it was urgent.

He is also of the generation that if your Dad worked in the factory, you worked in the factory. By not doing that you are somehow telling him he is wrong.  Same with traditions.  The older generation is compelled to follow them even if they don't like them.  Then they are shocked when the younger generation drops them because they never considered that an option.  I guess back then no matter how old you got, you still had to follow your parents' wishes.  My father once made a comment like that.  He said he always had to do what his mother wanted.  I told him we don't do that anymore and he said that wasn't fair.  I agreed that his generation got screwed because my generation wised up and started making our own decisions without parental approval.

[square]

My MIL says she is "of a generation that..." but it's just a cop-out because my parents are the same age (and same culture) and they never had the same BS expectations.

It's just a PD justification, and a very effective one because it's so easy to believe.

[p123]

My father got like that.  He'd call me at work and want to read every piece of junk mail to me thinking it was urgent.

He is also of the generation that if your Dad worked in the factory, you worked in the factory. By not doing that you are somehow telling him he is wrong.  Same with traditions.  The older generation is compelled to follow them even if they don't like them.  Then they are shocked when the younger generation drops them because they never considered that an option.  I guess back then no matter how old you got, you still had to follow your parents' wishes.  My father once made a comment like that.  He said he always had to do what his mother wanted.  I told him we don't do that anymore and he said that wasn't fair.  I agreed that his generation got screwed because my generation wised up and started making our own decisions without parental approval.

My Dad will read out a letter "It says changes to terms and conditions of bank acccount". "Whats that?"

"Its telling you about changes to terms and conditions of your bank account" "Oh I see - thats ok then"

Eh? Am I going mad?

[p123]

My father got like that.  He'd call me at work and want to read every piece of junk mail to me thinking it was urgent.

He is also of the generation that if your Dad worked in the factory, you worked in the factory. By not doing that you are somehow telling him he is wrong.  Same with traditions.  The older generation is compelled to follow them even if they don't like them.  Then they are shocked when the younger generation drops them because they never considered that an option.  I guess back then no matter how old you got, you still had to follow your parents' wishes.  My father once made a comment like that.  He said he always had to do what his mother wanted.  I told him we don't do that anymore and he said that wasn't fair.  I agreed that his generation got screwed because my generation wised up and started making our own decisions without parental approval.

This is true. Others have noticed that he always talks about my brother not me. Because brother works in a factory. Its a world he understands.
He still can't get his head around that just because you work in an office you're not a manager.

I think the tiring thing is when he thinks hes right. 99.9% of the time hes totally clueless beyond believe. He'll listen to everything his friends tell him (equally clueless) but not me.

[Pepin]

My father got like that.  He'd call me at work and want to read every piece of junk mail to me thinking it was urgent.

He is also of the generation that if your Dad worked in the factory, you worked in the factory. By not doing that you are somehow telling him he is wrong.  Same with traditions.  The older generation is compelled to follow them even if they don't like them.  Then they are shocked when the younger generation drops them because they never considered that an option.  I guess back then no matter how old you got, you still had to follow your parents' wishes.  My father once made a comment like that.  He said he always had to do what his mother wanted.  I told him we don't do that anymore and he said that wasn't fair.  I agreed that his generation got screwed because my generation wised up and started making our own decisions without parental approval.

DPD MIL has also done this.  Needs DH to go through mail with her -- and I'm like uh, are you literate though?  It just doesn't make sense. 

I don't know about you and other posters here but I am Gen X -- raised by a Silent Generation father.  Yeah, he was like 40 when I was born and back then in the 80s compared to the parents of my friends, he was really different.  It is more accepted now.  But him and DPD MIL -- just baffling.  I cannot blame it on their generation because others I know are self sufficient and STRONG.  But somehow when a PD is wrapped into this dynamic, sheesh, they become completely fragile and helpless.  They lack a maturity that today is frowned upon by our peers if we behaved like that but because they are of an older generation, they get away with it.  I am chalking it up to unresolved trauma.  Not everyone was cut out to do the inner work and that is why there are PDs like your dad, my dad and DPD MIL.  And of course it matters what our role was as children.  My husband is the self appointed GC and he lets his mother get away with whatever she likes; his siblings have boundaries with her and one of them actually has turned the tables and plays DPD MIL like a deck of cards - which seems kind of mean but DPD MIL kind of deserves it.  I was the SG in my family and after I had enough I packed my bags and left.  Stiff boundaries and inner work are the only way to survive when we have to have contact with these people. 

[p123]

This weeks health "drama". Nothing wrong with him of course. He keeps asking me but my standard reply is "Im not a doctor".

Even I can see there is nothing wrong with him. But because "the weekends coming up and I dont want to be seriously ill over the weekend" he called the doctor again. Despite only two months ago getting a warning about constantly phoning them. Im keeping out of it he doesn't listen to me anyyway.

Interesting to have a discussion the other day where he told me he wish he wasnt in such bad health. Hes 87 on sunday and, to be honest, he's the most healthy 87 year old I've ever seen. Apparently, in his head though, hes seriously ill. hey ho.

[nanotech]

This weeks health "drama". Nothing wrong with him of course. He keeps asking me but my standard reply is "Im not a doctor".

Even I can see there is nothing wrong with him. But because "the weekends coming up and I dont want to be seriously ill over the weekend" he called the doctor again. Despite only two months ago getting a warning about constantly phoning them. Im keeping out of it he doesn't listen to me anyyway.

Interesting to have a discussion the other day where he told me he wish he wasnt in such bad health. Hes 87 on sunday and, to be honest, he's the most healthy 87 year old I've ever seen. Apparently, in his head though, hes seriously ill. hey ho.

This is just how my dad is. Worry worry fuss fuss fuss- yet  for an 89 year old he looks, and is, in pretty good shape. He's mobile, independent when he chooses to be, and he has all his marbles.
I'm glad you left him to it. It's what I do now.  I don't go running now, when he cries wolf.

I'm no fan of the pandemic, but it did put an abrupt stop to his previously dramatic and frequent A&E visits,  for things like having a sore elbow and not having done a poo at his usual time. Strange, but no emergencies for 18 months. Hmmmmm! 🙄😉
Keep the boundaries up, you are doing a good job.

[Boat Babe]

This weeks health "drama". Nothing wrong with him of course. He keeps asking me but my standard reply is "Im not a doctor".

Even I can see there is nothing wrong with him. But because "the weekends coming up and I dont want to be seriously ill over the weekend" he called the doctor again. Despite only two months ago getting a warning about constantly phoning them. Im keeping out of it he doesn't listen to me anyyway.

Interesting to have a discussion the other day where he told me he wish he wasnt in such bad health. Hes 87 on sunday and, to be honest, he's the most healthy 87 year old I've ever seen. Apparently, in his head though, hes seriously ill. hey ho.

This is just how my dad is. Worry worry fuss fuss fuss- yet  for an 89 year old he looks, and is, in pretty good shape. He's mobile, independent when he chooses to be, and he has all his marbles.
I'm glad you left him to it. It's what I do now.  I don't go running now, when he cries wolf.

I'm no fan of the pandemic, but it did put an abrupt stop to his previously dramatic and frequent A&E visits,  for things like having a sore elbow and not having done a poo at his usual time. Strange, but no emergencies for 18 months. Hmmmmm! 🙄😉
Keep the boundaries up, you are doing a good job.

Funny that. Must be a PD miracle.

[Boat Babe]

I've said it here before but my mother is OBSESSED with what she eats and her health in general. She is an amazingly fit and healthy 89 year old. As was my grandmother, who lived to 101. *sighs

[1footouttadefog]

My pd only this past year or so became obsessed with his health.

Not sure if covid caused it or if he is afraid of his age. Either way, he has definitely learned that there is attention to be had by going to the docs or calling docs offices and pharmacies.

It will be interest g what he learns at adult daycare.  Bet there are all kinds of things he will learn for getting attention.

In the same way little kids learn new cuss words and how to make rude noises at preschool I'm am expecting and ready to encounter new things on this front also.
 

[p123]

Got to be honest my Dads hypochondria is verging on mental illness now. Hes convinced hes dying....
Only person in the world to think you can die of hayfever.

Hes phoned me 10 times this am now (Ive not answered). I've had texts and calls from his cousin the FM.... PHONE THE DOCTOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No good calling me 30 mins drive away when I'm in work.

[p123]

This weeks health "drama". Nothing wrong with him of course. He keeps asking me but my standard reply is "Im not a doctor".

Even I can see there is nothing wrong with him. But because "the weekends coming up and I dont want to be seriously ill over the weekend" he called the doctor again. Despite only two months ago getting a warning about constantly phoning them. Im keeping out of it he doesn't listen to me anyyway.

Interesting to have a discussion the other day where he told me he wish he wasnt in such bad health. Hes 87 on sunday and, to be honest, he's the most healthy 87 year old I've ever seen. Apparently, in his head though, hes seriously ill. hey ho.

This is just how my dad is. Worry worry fuss fuss fuss- yet  for an 89 year old he looks, and is, in pretty good shape. He's mobile, independent when he chooses to be, and he has all his marbles.
I'm glad you left him to it. It's what I do now.  I don't go running now, when he cries wolf.

I'm no fan of the pandemic, but it did put an abrupt stop to his previously dramatic and frequent A&E visits,  for things like having a sore elbow and not having done a poo at his usual time. Strange, but no emergencies for 18 months. Hmmmmm! 🙄😉
Keep the boundaries up, you are doing a good job.

Yeh funny how he was ok for 18 months...... ha ha

[p123]

Got to be honest my Dads hypochondria is verging on mental illness now. Hes convinced hes dying....
Only person in the world to think you can die of hayfever.

Hes phoned me 10 times this am now (Ive not answered). I've had texts and calls from his cousin the FM.... PHONE THE DOCTOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No good calling me 30 mins drive away when I'm in work.

Update on this. Did I do this right?

So it looks like after I didn't answer he called an ambulance (they didnt come), then he phoned his cousin (3 years younger than him!) to come visit him. Then he got his cousin to call the doctor! Turns out to be a rash due to the anti-biotics hes taken (for last weeks made up illness!).

So now I've had a lecture from his cousin about "how ill Dad was". I guess he could sense when I did ring 4 hours later that I wasnt too concerned.

Its about the 10th time now. Its defcon 20 every time! and he expects me to go running. I could be wrong but he probably didnt even phone my brother. I've had that before. "but hes working" yeh so am I dad "but hes in a factory so they wont let him leave". Once again its my job thats not important because I work in an office (or wfh at the moment).

Sick to death of his waifing to be honest. Its a complete joke now. Oh btw when I called him he didnt speak to me he passed the phone to his cousin to explain.... Im sorry thats just pathetic. Doctor tells you to stop taking anti-biotics because of a rash and suddently you cant speak on the phone!

[square]

WELL HANDLED GOOD SIR.

[lkdrymom]

You handled it well and as far as my father was concerned....you could get cancer from hayfever.  My mom died of cancer in 2003.  For the next 10 years my father insisted he had cancer every time he burped, farted or had a hangnail. You have no idea how many specialists he saw unnecessarily.    They all get like this because they have no other hobbies or interests. Possibly because they can no longer see or do things they once could so this is all they have.  The problem is they forget the rest of us have busy and demanding lives and cannot spare much time to humor them.