Overwhelmed

[ambivalent1]

I feel there is no way to come even close to telling the story of what my parents have done to me.
7 years ago my father died suddenly of cancer.  I was an adult living with my parents at the time on disability.
After he died we found out he left my mother nothing.  They rented the house and the landlord quickly served my mother an eviction notice.
I think even those with highly narcissist parents may have great trouble understanding my mother's reaction and the sense of entitlement behind it.
She did not scramble to save herself, like you would expect a narcissist to.  She was offered free legal help as a senior citizen who predicted at least a year of stalling could be done so my mother could find an affordable place to live.  My mother saw that lawyer once and never again after that.
So she basically did nothing.  Whenever I mentioned trying to find a place to rent so I wasn't on the street she would beg me not to leave her.  Loving her children has always meant the 3 of us tending to her feelings under any and all circumstances.
Additionally, I have an autistic brother who lived with my mother and didn't fully understand what was going on.  He ended up in a homeless shelter suffering ongoing trauma.
I have had problems with alcoholism.  This proved to be a strange benefit because I could get into things like treatment programs and sober houses in a pinch.
That is what I did when I was literally left standing on the street after the eviction was final, because I had complied with my mother's wishes that I not "leave" her.
Earlier this year she was diagnosed with stomach cancer.  The same bizarre notion of entitlement came in to play as with the eviction.  They suspected cancer back in August of last year.  She let them do one test, which actually came back negative.
However, she felt the people doing the first test were not gentle and accomadating enough for her, so she refused anymore tests.
I was not in on a lot of details but from what I can tell, the cancer had progressed far enough by February that they were confident of the diagnosis without testing.
She died at the end of June.  For the last month or so she was capable of verbalizing and was alert, and even had a phone at her nursing home but never called me or sent an indirect message that she wanted to see me.
She never expressed any concern, empathy, or regret towards me or my brother about the eviction.
My father was cremated.  My mother had always wanted to be buried.  When my father was alive, especially when me and my siblings were growing up, she made it clear to us that everything wrong with their marriage, the family, or her life was all his fault.  He was an evil man actually but that doesn't excuse the massive abandonment of responsibility.
Almost immediately after he died though, she made him into a saint in her head, and went on about their wonderful marriage.  I think she realized she spent decades in a loveless marriage and went to the other extreme to avoid admitting the truth.
So, I have found out that in her last days, my mother decided that she want to be cremated so she can be with the man who she watched verbally and physically abuse me.  It seems that I was never worth much at all to her.

[moglow]

I read your post last night and hurt for and with you, didn't have the presence of mind to respond. I hurt all over reading it again today, Ambivalent1. All I can offer is a willing ear and shoulder, knowing I can't fix this for you. Know that you very much have all the care and compassion I have at my command. You NEED that, so please continue to reach out beyond what has to be a painful place for you right now.

What I've had to work really hard at the past year or so is separating myself from mother and her BS - it's truly not about me on any level. Mother's caught up in her own tiny world where it seems no one exists except to serve her. On a twisted level, that helps me understand. It's not personal, can't be personal because she has not one clue who I am or the damage she's caused. I wish I'd come to this realization years ago, but here I am.

A number of years ago our family had several losses, including Daddy  [biological] and Dad [mother's husband]. She -like yours- expressed no care or concern, no empathy, no compassion for anyone. It was all take and no give with her. All mother saw was her stuff and expected/demanded that we step in and take care of her [doing a bit of math I just now realized she was about the age I am now!]. There was no need, no reason for her to be "taken care of" yet there she was, grasping and demanding from us when we were struggling with our own losses, trying to raise families, hang on to jobs and homes while everything around and within us was crumbling. She didn't see that we weren't "okay" on any level - never asked, never showed any interest whatsoever if it didn't center around her.

I tell you this to hopefully help you, not hurt. It's not easy at all seeing all that from where I am now, but there's a bit of peace knowing that I - AND YOU- did nothing to deserve this. She's a warped twisted woman and has chosen to live in that mindset. I believe like with yours, there were a number of deliberate choices that had no one thing to do with US or anything we've done. At any point in time they could have made other better choices for themselves and their families, but no.

What WE do is learn and do better, for ourselves and those around us. I have a bad tendency to shut down and away when I'm hurting, and I hope you don't. It truly helps me to open up and share with people, focus on what I can do rather than the losses that beat me down.
We're here with you, Ambivalent1.

[Hilltop]

I hope you are feeling a little better today.  I have not been where you are but in what you have written it sounds like there is so much pain and hurt and no one there to help understand it after both your parents have died.  I'm sure this is incredibly painful.

Writing out a post is a place to start, a place to start unpacking those hurt feelings.  It may not make much sense now, it may be raw but keep reaching out, keep posting, keep a journal. 

People here get it.  The disappointment with having a parent that doesn't see you or understand you or support/protect you. 

Take care of yourself.  Its a tough time.

[JenniferSmith]

Just wanted to say I really feel for you. Just from this post, its clear you have a a lot to come to terms with in terms of what you've gone through with your family.   I think many of us here struggle with that - complicated families that leave us with a lot of hurt and pain.

One thing I have found helpful when I'm struggling with my complicated family issues is to write a list and identify each of the separate things that are upsetting me, hurting me, making me angry, the losses I've had, etc.   Somehow seeing them written out on paper helps ease the mental burden just a bit.  Making a list also brings some clarity to my feelings rather than a big jumbled ball of pain.  Also, I can start having more empathy for myself when I see just how many things I'm trying to cope with. 

Please remember to be gentle with yourself and give yourself time to feel the feelings and let them flow through you. Sometimes its tempting to try to push the feelings away because they feel so overwhelming, but we need to grieve in order to eventually start to heal.

[ambivalent1]

When I posted this over a week ago, I didn't know how I could go on.  Just about everything seemed impossible to do because my mind was constantly assaulting me with anxiety, depression, and grief both over my parents and my extended family who have offered no support, not even a call.
I would like to say I am doing fantastic now.  The truth is only that I don't feel like my world is over.  Since I wrote that post I got and lost a part time minimum wage job.  It's not even clear to me weather I can work right now, even though I have to.
The fact that people here have supported me though means a lot.  My mother taught me it was my job to support her, so this is a learning experience. 

[moglow]

You put one foot in front of the other and do what you can when you can. If you can just shower and put on clean clothes, do that for now. If you can only do a load of laundry so you'll have clean clothes later, do that. Eat decent meals and rest when you can, maybe take a short walk or do some yoga later. Those baby steps add up.

Your job right now is to support YOU and allow others to help. Reach out when you want and we'll be here with you.

[Sneezy]

Those baby steps add up.

Exactly!  Just keep taking those baby steps.  Some days it will feel like an accomplishment just to get out bed.  And sometimes you may feel like you're trying to move forward, but keep getting pushed backwards.  Keep on going!  Little by little, you will get there.  Sending you positive vibes  and lots of good thoughts.

[ambivalent1]

I feel like I am being sort of crushed over time by my mother's death.  I never officially cut off contact.  Things actually ended in January when she asked me to call again later that day and I told her I couldn't because it was too painful.  She responded by asking me to promise a call the next week, rather than ask what was wrong.
I keep getting hit by waves of guilt.

[1footouttadefog]

When I ha e overwhelming feelings to deal with I try to separate out the parts and focus on then individually.  This way if I make progress in part the burden is lightened at least somewhat.

Seems to me your situation with your mother was complex and therefore your grieve from her passing, has many components.

I hope you find peace and healing.