Need Help - Getting Worn Out

[Pohno]

I'm not really sure where to start, but I'm quite certain my SO has Bpd, or something that manifest similarly. I kind of feel like sometimes I'm going crazy, as all the pieces put together are so overwhelming, but I can't address them with her individually without it being a really big fight in which she gets angry and tearful and things go around and around until I apologize for bringing things up.

She goes from 0->50 with anger/irritation if something she doesn't like happens(yesterday I kissed her on the forehead instead of the lips, and she got mad). I didn't know how to react, so I left the room to grab a charger, then came back into the room to kiss her on the lips. 3 hours later she yelled about how I should have done that immediately instead of a minute later.

She has a very hard time being alone, and right now is unemployed. Which means that all my time outside of work is devoted to her or chores, and when I used to ask for alone time it would be met with anger and being told I don't meet her expectations for closeness or don't care for her. I no longer ask for any time, since if I ask for an hour after work, she gets upset and asks if I'm going to need that everyday. I asked if I could take a walk after work a month ago and it started a huge fight. I get up at 8-9am most days, and she sleeps til 12-3pm,so on weekends where I get me time in the morning. But if I don't take care of the things on my to-do list(wrapping up work stuff, chores, even dog care), then she's upset because that's too much time to myself. Same goes for situations like wanting to walk to the store to grab a coffee in the morning, but not filling up her water bottle because I varied my routine. I usually don't even consider going out, because I know there could be something I'm forgetting to do.

She has severe retroactive jealousy, and has fought with me for hours on end about how I shouldn't have loved anyone in the past, and how it hurts her that she perceives I spent more on them than her. I pay 100 more in rent, and while I can't really afford it, have agreed to pay to 3/4 of dates, and also pay for her other times. I've tried setting bounderies, I don't make a ton of money, but it always devolves into "if you love me most, you have to spend more than you did on others", even though I already do. I can't even talk to her about taking my mom to Vegas for her 50th(was a trip my mom's brother was supposed to do as a family trip, but he got terminally I'll, so i thought it was a nice gesture), which I also did very inexpensively. My best friend asked me if I wanted to do a bro trip this year to Vegas as well, but since she won't be there, she got very upset, so I had to ask if it was okay if she came with. Please note I got a treehouse for her birthday with a hottub, and will be paying for her daily expenses on a trip next month, as well as a submarine tour. I'm trying my best to treat her well financially, but I have no savings after dates and things. Whenever I talk about anything before I knew her, she asks which ex it was with at the time, which is exasperating because I feel like I can't talk about anything before her. I feel as if I'm not allowed to have had a experiences in the past without repercussion now.

There's also a list of things that she sees as part of our "relationship agreement", which I didn't realize at the start of things were things I must do or it would mean I'm not holding up my end of the relationship. This wasn't written or anything, just things I mentioned I wouldn't mind/liked doing, not realizing the extent of it. This includes filling up her water bottle and the Britta container(she drinks close to 2 gallons a day, so this is me doing this consistently) . Also includes fetching her laptop and charger when she left it in another room, getting out of bed to plug in her laptop with the charger that's beside her side of the bed, cleaning her dog's teeth and giving baths, and some other smaller things. Also includes cooking all the meals for us, as she refuses to cook. When I forget to do these things, or am too tired to do them, or if I mention sometime that I'm exhausted, she gets upset. Recently I've been pretty overloaded with work and asked if we could decrease the amount of small running around to fetch things, as sometimes it feels like I'm always "on call", and it's hard to relax, but instead she just prefaces each request with "I know I'm not allowed to ask this", which feels icky to me and passive aggressive(would that be the right term?). Or, she says it's not fair because I promised her I'd always do these things, and in turn, I lied to her. It's not like I mind doing things for her, it's just draining to always have to do these things out of fear of not doing it. Note, these are on top of regular household chores.

Additionally, she is very critical. The other day I went to the store and they were out of the hummus she likes, so I got a version she hadn't tried before in hope that she would like it, and she got mad I didn't buy fruit instead. Or on Monday, I went to get her a snack from the kitchen and forgot we already had some dip out for guests, and I got her a new plate from stuff in the fridge, and she was upset I did that. I'm starting to dread buying groceries as I always don't get something like that she doesn't tell me about, and inevitably she'll either say I don't really know her, or bring up in conversation that I don't "let" her have certain foods. Which isnt accurate at all.

Multiple times through the day she'll call out to me, seeming distressed, and I either need to call back to her telling her I love her, or go in the bedroom to cuddle her. If I don't cuddle her in bed during my workday, then I'm being cold and dismissive. I always come to just say hi at least 5 times a day. Sometimes it's possible for me to devote more energy to her, but sometimes I have to be careful because my work requires prolonged periods of concentration and it's hard to get back in a groove. If I do have a time where I check my phone and she sees me do it, and I haven't said hi recently, she gets angry I'm not checking my phone beside her. Sometimes I do need to zone out between tasks at work, and she takes offense to that. I try to work out of line of sight of her, as whenever she gets upset about me pausing from work and not interacting with her, it disrupts my day.

It's a bunch of little things that all combine together to feel like I don't really have autonomy, I'm scared of doing the wrong thing, and it's all so hard to describe this to others, let alone to her. Sometimes the criticism gets so hard to handle I need to go into another room to calm down or cry, but then it's just seen as running away. I'm generally a non-confrontational person, but I have lost my temper a couple times, which is new and I do not like. I want to figure out how to handle this.

[losingmyself]

Hey, Pohno
welcome to Out of the FOG.  I just wanted to let you know that there's help here. I understand the controlling nature of your relationship, and I hope you can work toward more autonomy, and the strength to set boundaries, and put yourself first. It takes time, and the ability to dig out a little bit of strength here and there, but it'll get better.
There's very many wonderful, understanding people here.
Start with the toolbox and keep reading.
Good luck to you

[bruceli]

Learn as much as you can about bpd and remember this term...Radical Acceptance.

[notrightinthehead]

Just wanted to add my welcome. In addition to studying the toolbox I would also recommend the book "Stop Caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist" by Fijelstad. Keep reading and posting on here.

[1footouttadefog]

Keep reading here. Read what's in the toolbox.  Also the "stop care taking book"

With time you will have eyes more open and using the tools might help.

Additionally you have a right to a relationship expectation list as well. 

Maybe suggest that she seems unhappy and thst she sees a Doc to determine of there is a health issue impacting her ability to feel happy. .