The ILs wish to reconcile

xredshoesx · August 23, 2021, 08:11:48 PM

isn't there a bible verse about how the when the son takes a wife he's supposed to cleave to her and not his mother?

thinking of you.

Cat of the Canals · August 23, 2021, 08:28:09 PM

Quote from: Starboard Song on August 23, 2021, 11:38:02 AM
At some point, it is like a really bad romantic suitor. If you've found a romantic suitor to simply be wrong for you: they aren't attractive to you, you share no interests, they have bad habits, you don't enjoy their company........in such a situation nobody thinks you have to start fresh each time they step forward with another rose and box of chocolates. You made your decision and that is over: no explanations required.

This is an excellent analogy. And it's funny how often changing the context to a romantic relationship (or even a friend) instead of a family member makes it so clear. It would, in most cases, actually be inappropriate for a suitor from years past to coming knocking and expect an instant rekindling of the relationship. Why should it be any different with an estranged family member?

Andeza · August 24, 2021, 10:57:58 AM

I heard the title in my head as though read by Alan Rickman, with a heavy dose of dry sarcasm.

I can't help but feel the pressure from your dh is, as you said, just the programming.

Call Me Cordelia · August 25, 2021, 07:24:19 PM

Thank you. Every time I get a superficial and careless attempt at "reconciliation," it only confirms me in my decision and further erodes my trust that things ever could be safe and respectful with them.

Snape voice: "I might think they're... up to something."

engineer31 · August 26, 2021, 08:59:42 AM

Quote from: xredshoesx on August 23, 2021, 08:11:48 PM
isn't there a bible verse about how the when the son takes a wife he's supposed to cleave to her and not his mother?

thinking of you.

yessss and so many more about not letting anyone get in between /separate a husband and wife. We quoted these to my In laws when we explained we were going NC and my FIL's response was for us not to go quoting anymore of the bible before we go read the 10 commandments. Specifically talking about honoring thy mother and father

I SOOOOO BADLY wanted to come back at him and be like so is that the only one that applies? because it also talks about committing adultery which he has done.

Anyways, hugs to you Cordelia. It's so so hard to make that decision, and ultimately it's up to you. But I'm kind of on the side with that it sounds like they're just starting another game.

Fiasco · August 26, 2021, 02:33:04 PM

I'm in full agreement with everyone else who sees the red flags waving in the wind but I wanted to add a thought on reconciliation, in general. When there's a been a significant rift for any reason it's not really reconciliation but building a whole new relationship from scratch. You start at the very beginning, which I think dating is a good analogy for. If you were a single parent with kids your first dates would not be a family vacation or dropping the kids off at this new person's house! You'd need a big foundation of trust, and reconciling with your husband's family should be the same. DH and his family can try exchanging some pleasantries over the phone or whatever. Then DH can choose to try seeing them in person if the "first dates" have gone well. If that goes well he can introduce you into the relationship, and only if that's going great would you involve the kids.

Starboard Song · August 27, 2021, 06:59:08 AM

When someone has devastated our trust, it is absolutely right to build back slowly, as exactly as one might slowly build a romantic relationship. A meeting at a park leads to coffee. That leads to a lunch. That leads to a dinner. Big "gives" like access to children or whatever are off the table during this courting phase. This was always the groundrules we envisioned for if this came to pass.

Another rule we believed in: we'd never respond to any overture on the same day.

Leonor · August 27, 2021, 08:08:19 AM

Whoa, there, Nelly.

This isn't a new family friend. This isn't a meaningful overture. This is just a turn of the abuse cycle.

You know that dh would be all about small steps, because you would give him "hope" that he could have his fantasy parents. And ILs would be on best behavior for a long time, because they'd think they'd be "winning." Until you got guilted back in and ... the next sucker punch.

The ONLY family member deserving of a loving, joyful welcome is beautiful baby.

Starboard Song · August 27, 2021, 11:39:45 AM

Leonor, Good point!

Threads sometimes drift. We all started out with no-need-to-reconcile and somewhere went to if-you-do-it-is-a-slow-careful-process. Thanks for pointing out that we don't mean to suggest that any reconciliation at all is required. That is a personal decision between OP and DH to work out, and nothing is owed to people with a history of abusive behavior.