When things just get weird...

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Cat of the Canals

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When things just get weird...
« on: August 21, 2021, 01:00:24 PM »
My husband's brother died at the end of January. I am LC with PDmom, but I called her about 2 days after to let her know. She said "all the right things" but also prodded me for details, which was annoying because I wasn't emotionally in a place where I could do medium chill. But that's just the backstory.

Yesterday my husband received a small package. In it was essentially a condolence letter from PDmom. Seven months late. Typed out. (I have never received anything that wasn't handwritten from her...) Filled with her usual hyperbole and strange self-aggrandizement, with language suggesting that her words will be the precise balm my husband needs to get over his brother's death. She ends the letter referring to me as "the greatest gift I've given the world."  It is not humanly possible to cringe as hard as I want to cringe at that.

Accompanying the letter was a second page that was all quotes from some physicist about death and also a children's book, which I suspect came from her "gift stash." She basically keeps random gifts around in the event that she needs one at the last minute but hasn't actually bought the person something.

I think the weirdest thing about all of it is how much I have to remind myself, "I am related to this person. We share DNA." Everything about it feels like the extremely misguided and tone deaf attempts of a well-meaning stranger who simply doesn't know me or my husband at all. This is my mother:stars:

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Andeza

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Re: When things just get weird...
« Reply #1 on: August 21, 2021, 01:21:28 PM »
Well, she may be the person that gave birth to you, but it appears she missed the part about being a "mom." Mine did too. Mine also does weird things around DH, even though we're NC. She'll send a birthday card, but two months late. Like he was an afterthought or a bother. Which, he probably carries the entire weight of her PDness surrounding the NC decision even though I handled it entirely and was careful to put everything as being my choice that I asked him to honor, essentially.

You can share DNA with anybody, and we don't get to choose, but we do get to choose to live life better.
Remember, that there are no real deadlines for life, just society's pressures.      - Anonymous
Lasting happiness is not something we find, but rather something we make for ourselves.

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Sneezy

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Re: When things just get weird...
« Reply #2 on: August 21, 2021, 02:01:25 PM »
Yes, you got about 50% of your DNA from your mother, but it sounds like you are nothing like her!  And that's good  :)

I saw a T a couple years ago (after my mom moved near me).  After telling him about my mom and the rest of my family, he said "well, it sounds like you are 100% your dad."  To which I replied, "but I have 50% of my DNA from my mom."  He just laughed and said I sounded nothing like my mom and everything like my dad, and that's what we were going to work with. 

My mom and I are such different people, it's hard to believe we are related.  I don't understand her worldview, her rules, her thoughts, her religion, her affairs, etc. etc. etc.  She is like an alien from another planet to me.  As you say, Cat, it IS weird.

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FromTheSwamp

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Re: When things just get weird...
« Reply #3 on: August 21, 2021, 03:35:08 PM »
I look like my mother.  I even sound like her.  But I choose not to act like her, and I have made those choices as often as possible from a very young age. 

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Andeza

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Re: When things just get weird...
« Reply #4 on: August 21, 2021, 04:31:37 PM »
Just wanted to add... 50% from each parent is not written in stone. Many people get more or less from one parent or the other. While traditionally associated with birth defects and chromosomal abnormalities, the advent of DNA testing like Ancestry has revealed many people living with a higher percentage from one parent or the other with zero detrimental effects. Because they aren't experiencing problems, they would never show up without optional testing.

We suspect DH kept a significantly higher portion of his dad's DNA over his mom's, but she won't get tested so we can find out for sure.

Okay, science over. Realistically, I think we emulate whichever parent we feel is more stable, so long as we are relatively healthy ourselves. Or neither parent, if neither is healthy and stable.
Remember, that there are no real deadlines for life, just society's pressures.      - Anonymous
Lasting happiness is not something we find, but rather something we make for ourselves.

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Cat of the Canals

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Re: When things just get weird...
« Reply #5 on: August 23, 2021, 12:37:44 PM »
Thank you all for your replies. My husband has been saying for nearly 20 years, "How is it possible you are related to these people?" I've always thought the same of his family. I am thankful that even with the effects of nature and nurture we are able to forge our own path, separate from what we learned/inherited from these people. I think I'd be very miserable otherwise.

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Jolie40

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Re: When things just get weird...
« Reply #6 on: August 24, 2021, 07:01:21 AM »
what did your husband say about the package and contents?
be good to yourself

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MarlenaEve

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Re: When things just get weird...
« Reply #7 on: August 24, 2021, 08:31:35 AM »
Your comment about we share the same DNA, this is my mother and such was so familiar to me.
I too cannot believe I am related to my family, how can I be empathetic and they-the opposite? How can I love animals and have compassion for them while they kick them, use them and neglect them?

Your mom wants to be seen as a great mom just because she sent her condolence package. Well, if you really wanna help someone heal from a loss you can just be there for them. How would a package help lol? I really can't understand their mentality.
Everything can be taken from a man but one thing:
the last of the human freedoms-
to choose one's attitude in any
given set of circumstances, to choose
one's own way.
-Viktor Frankl

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Hazy111

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Re: When things just get weird...
« Reply #8 on: August 24, 2021, 09:13:18 AM »
She ends the letter referring to me as "the greatest gift I've given the world."

It isnt even praise,  is it ? Its as you say, self aggrandizing hyperbole. Me me me. As you should be grateful I provided you with your wife.

Borderline Mothers ehh? one extreme or another?  Fake praise or in my and others experience , just no praise at all , just relentless criticism.

I like the "gift stash" concept!  I think my sis, used to employ this. I used to get the most horrendous cheap second hand regifted presents every Xmas!

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Cat of the Canals

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Re: When things just get weird...
« Reply #9 on: August 25, 2021, 12:10:40 PM »
what did your husband say about the package and contents?

He was just as weirded out as I was. He couldn't even read the whole letter.


Well, if you really wanna help someone heal from a loss you can just be there for them.

In fairness, my husband early on in our relationship wanted nothing to do with her. They really have almost zero relationship, so there's no opportunity to be there for him. However, she hasn't made much effort to be there for me, either. She just isn't capable.


She ends the letter referring to me as "the greatest gift I've given the world."

It isnt even praise,  is it ? Its as you say, self aggrandizing hyperbole. Me me me. As you should be grateful I provided you with your wife.

Exactly! And to think for years she had me snowed, and I would have thought this was a nice (albeit a bit ridiculous) thing to say.