I should have listened

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Sadhubby

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I should have listened
« on: August 21, 2021, 05:26:19 PM »
Hi, I've not posted for almost a year...

Unfortunately, I don't have good news.

In that time, my wife's behaviour became much more extreme. Sadly, I was not able to bring myself to take action as so many people on this advised. I let my wife convince me she would stop and look for help. I kept telling myself she just needed more time. She even seemed to be calming down for a few months.

Any seeming progress came to an end. We went on vacation to her family in another country. She became even more extreme than before. Now, she refuses to return home with my son. She has rented an apartment far away from her family, who asked her to leave after her behaviour became intolerable for them.

I now have to fight in the courts to get my son back. And her delusions about him being sick are spiraling out of control and there's nothing I can do about it until he's back on home.

I really never thought she could go so far. Even though you all told me...

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Poison Ivy

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Re: I should have listened
« Reply #1 on: August 21, 2021, 06:06:01 PM »
I'm sorry this is happening to you and your child. I understand why you didn't think things would get this bad.

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square

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Re: I should have listened
« Reply #2 on: August 21, 2021, 06:55:26 PM »
Absolutely. We all understand.

Have you started taking steps to get your son back?

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hhaw

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Re: I should have listened
« Reply #3 on: August 22, 2021, 12:29:52 AM »
Maybe it's time to change your username to warriordad.

No matter what choices you made, it was always going to be difficult.

Cut yourself lots of slack and consult good family law attorneys in both countries.

Will your wife's family help you?
hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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Starboard Song

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Re: I should have listened
« Reply #4 on: August 22, 2021, 08:51:56 AM »
SadHubby, I remember you well.

As others have said, this is not on you. You were dealt a hard hand, and it is not obvious that any of us would have faired better. So job number one is to be kind to yourself.

I'd encourage you to think of things the way a court will: what statements can you write down that are provably true? What things are disputable? It helps to be self-doubting on this, because a foreign court system is going to doubt everything.

Now take a deep breath, lawyer up, and get in touch with your embassy in the country where she is. Your embassy should be a good starting point for navigating foreign laws in support of a fellow citizen.

Be good. Be strong.
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

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Bunnyme

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Re: I should have listened
« Reply #5 on: August 22, 2021, 11:46:26 AM »
You absolutely cannot blame yourself.  You are a caring person.  She seemed to be taking steps to change.  You wanted to give her another chance.  There is no way you could have foreseen what has transpired.  Even if you thought she could backslide, moving to another country with your child?  No way you could have prevented that. If you had left earlier, she may have still taken off.  This is 100 PERCENT on her. 
You've gotten good advice.  I think the embassy is a great idea.  Keep us posted.   

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xredshoesx

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Re: I should have listened
« Reply #6 on: August 22, 2021, 01:49:51 PM »
to echo what others have said there is nothing you could have done to change her.

perhaps by staying in the marriage you will have a stronger argument for your son to be with you.  we just had a huge thing here in my area where the non custodial parent (mother) was wanted for taking her children out of state and refusing to return them after her court ordered time with them was up.  on a personal note this is how i came to be where i am now as my biological mother violated a court order and took me here- the difference in our stories is that you are doing for your DS what my father could not/ would not do for me, and that is FIGHT.

are you on good terms with her family? 

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Sadhubby

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Re: I should have listened
« Reply #7 on: August 26, 2021, 09:45:59 AM »
Thanks all for your advice and support!

I am taking measures to get my son back. It's going to be complicated.

Unfortunately, I could have predicted this. She has talked about wanting to live there for a long time, and uses this to justify her current actions. We never discussed it properly because she became very aggressive every time she brought it up. She actually claims that "I was holding hostage her in the country where we have jobs and a house" because I would walk away each time she got aggressive. She says she is just acting on what I refuse to.

I never expected her to act on it without consent, but she does not have restraint now.