smell this milk

Started by tragedy or hope, August 23, 2021, 10:28:53 AM

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tragedy or hope

I think I may have seen something like this in another post. I am asked to smell the milk to be sure it is not sour. He has a working nose. Will not do it. Today, I was asked to look at some old tomatoes, he thought were bad. I told him if they are bad, give them to the creatures.

We almost got in a circular mess over it. I quit discussing. He asked again. I told him, throw them away, I don't care, I am not going to look at them. I guess he decided it wasn't worth it and threw them to the creatures.

Our garage is full of old, old stuff. Yet, If unpdh goes through the cans in the pantry and one has been there over a year, the discussion must ensue. I have learned to say thank you for the update, glad you noticed and walk away.

I had made up my mind. It was not about the tomatoes. It was about control. Sounds ridiculous, but after 50 yrs of this stuff, I can finally pinpoint the insane doings of someone not happy with my daily independence.
"When people show you who they are, believe them."
~Maya Angelou

Believe it the first time, or you will spend the rest of your life in disbelief of what they can/will do; to you. T/H

Family systems are like spider webs. It takes years to get untangled from them.  T/H

Starboard Song

That's interesting.

I've always thought the "small this milk" behavior demonstrated a lack of confidence on the speaker. They aren't sure they are right about the smell, or they think you might be surprised or angry that the milk gets tossed out. Because they lack confidence, I thought, they are seeking consensus before taking action.

It can be so hard to know what's going on, I guess.
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

square

SS, I think the motivation differs. T/H's H does seem to enjoy roping her into his world as a weird form of enmeshment and control. Narc feed.

My H somehow manages to assess milk okay on his own but does check with me about other things, but his stems from an inability to trust himself with decisions, related to OCD and ADHD. He would like to just stick me in a drawer and pull me out like a genie when he needs competent input, and then stick me back in, no maintenance required. He does not need narc feed at all, and would rather live alone with the bears in remote Alaska. Hermit BPDish.

And I'm sure others will think someone will be angry if they don't check.

And others want to remind you how helpless they are as a way to bind you further to them. They neeeeeeeeeeeeeeed you!!!

Hazy111

Square is on the money. 

He may well have comorbid issues as well such as OCD,  ADHD.

This is classic Narc enmeshment/drama driving Narc supply and the need to control the significant other (object , sorry) .... " You will notice me/listen to me, no matter how banal, irrelevant the subject"... "If you notice me, then I exist"  " If i dont control you, you may well have thoughts of independence and freedom and i will lose my narc supply"

Money is generally the subject, my Dad loved the power he had over controlling the finances and by implication my mom. Her spending was tightly controlled, but his, well,  whatever and whenever he liked.

tragedy or hope

 :yeahthat: Hazy 111,

Your insight is my reality. These small issues add up. On my way out the door there is always a simple issue to stop my flow of movement before I leave that I must address. Something as simple as a bird out the window or having to look behind me at something. Unpdh does not describe why, just gives the directive.

If I do not look or turn he exhibits frustration with me. It is simply bannal interaction with no meaning or purpose, for me but for him it is a small victory in control.  This happens most when things are "slow" in his world and he lacks entertainment or feed. I also think at times it could be an act of despair for not being able to keep my interest in him.

Oh yeah, and about money. He has no cash, until he finds out how much I have by my volunteering to use my cash for something... suddenly he finds some in a place he had not looked.

The delay with getting into the car when we are departing together is hysterical..
he likes me in the car first and in my seat before he gets in. He dallies until he sees me in the car. I don't like waiting on him either, there is always a reason to go do something while I sit and wait.

I often just stand there if I have to, or go back into the house with him. It is amazing to see his behavior change when he is equal to me and not in control of his "teddy bear."  Frustration, facial expressions of impatience etc...

These things I do for my own sake. I will not be controlled. No one has that right over my being. I used to go along with it and I found it to be useless to my well being. His frustration is on him not me. I too am "training" him not to count on my behaviors being what he expects. People treat us the way we let them treat us. I will not fight over this, but I will do as I please and not as I am told. I don't need a parent, which I often tell him as he has decided he wants that roll.

"When people show you who they are, believe them."
~Maya Angelou

Believe it the first time, or you will spend the rest of your life in disbelief of what they can/will do; to you. T/H

Family systems are like spider webs. It takes years to get untangled from them.  T/H

square

I love the way you malfunction.

escapingman

Tragedy or Hope, my uNPDw is exactly the same. Everybody has to wait for her all the time as she always find another job to do. When we are all in the hall ready to leave she suddenly goes upstairs for some reason, then kicks off because we have our shoes on and that is making her stressed and it is rude.  Same when we are about to eat lunch, when everybody sits down ready to start eating she starts making a cup of tea and she expects everybody to wait for it to brew. 

1footouttadefog

#7
Its often about engaging you in something related to them and removing from whatever activity you are amusing or buying yourself with.

If they are not getting attention they don't exist.  The only self is the false self and it only exists when on when being presented to and engaging the attention of others.

No attention no existence. This is unbearable for them.

There are other things in our current culture where people need outside reinforcement to validate themselves within their chosen construct. Quite frankly I recent being asked to play along.  I should not be required for another person to exist, especially strangers.

My spouse is not currently drinking milk.  He is obsessing on his nose. Says he cannot breath. He even had sinus surgery and septum surgery.  I have photographic evidence that there is nothing in his nose.

He likely feels some sensation in the healing tissues and thinks he cannot breath. He has two breath right nasal strips and some silicone tubes in his nose 24/7.  I have scheduled him yet another ent apt.  However I am pretty sure he will get the same video and picture results.

All day every day is the nose thing.  Yesterday he acted like he was going to try to overdose on benadryl.

Drama.  We met with his psy. Hiatric prescription writer and she up a med.

He just tole me he wants to call a friend and cancel a lun h date for a week from now because his nose is stuffed up.  Last night he wanted to go out for dinner.

I told him that trading a five minute phone call and immediate attention while he complained and cancled for an afternoon out of the house with a friend was a poor trade of attention.

Hazy111

The delay with getting into the car when we are departing together is hysterical..
he likes me in the car first and in my seat before he gets in. He dallies until he sees me in the car. I don't like waiting on him either, there is always a reason to go do something while I sit and wait.


Tragedy or Hope, you just triggered another childhood memory, " the ritual of the car journey " .

Him being the last person to get in, everyone else in first. Wating an eternity to get it out of the garage.

My Dad would drive like he was the only person allowed on the road, sounding his horn and cursing at drivers nowhere near him and we would slink down in our seats hoping no one would recognise us, with the shame. Then at the traffic lights at red, he would inevitably start to roll a cigarette!! Ohh the tension as you waited for the lights to change to green, would he have rolled it in time? Invariably no. Then he would attempt to drive with a half rolled cigarette in his lap , tobacco everywhere, or passing it to one of us to hold.  Drivers behind sounding their horn as our car stuck at the lights. His blind indifference to their needs and complete lack of insight to his hypocrisy, asking "What they so angry about?"

Him secretly happy that my mother never passed her driving test.

The ritual of parking the car in the tiny garage built in 1930's, (once parked you could barely open the door without scratching it. )" Why not leave it out front Dad? " "No it might get stolen" Haha, the pile of junk, you couldnt give it away!

Him refusing to get a better car with power steering, automatic even, though he could easily afford one.  Refusing to give me a lift to a school or anywhere? "Its not a taxi. Hazy"  Happy days.... :roll:

All Narc Supply i now realise. Notice me.  :yes: