Where to go from here?

[Hawkie]

No permission to post my story elsewhere.  TW - brief possible sexual assault mention.

First post (other than welcome mat) after following here for a few years so please let me know if I'm doing it wrong.

So I'll try to keep this (20 years worth of stuff) short! H and I have been together since late teens and married for 10 years.

My MIL just has always rubbed me the wrong way I guess. She is nice, but it's that fake nice that you know to be wary of and will come at a price.

H's FOO is very enmeshed imo, and my family is all very independent.

MIL is divorced since H was late teens and of course her ex is soooo awful according to her. She tells stories all the time to her adult kids about how he tried to take everything after cheating on her. Funny enough she ended up with everything and he had to declare bankruptcy. FIL's new wife also found love letters written by MIL to another man back when, which proves who was cheating on whom!  We of course wouldn't want any facts to get in the way of MIL being a victim though haha.
Luckily I have been able to point some things out to H over the years and he has a good relationship with his dad but H's siblings have a huge chip on their shoulder when it comes to their dad and treat him terribly. This frustrates me a lot because H's dad doesn't deserve their treatment and genuinely loves his kids. Alas, it's not my battle and I try to keep my nose out of it.  The story is just to give you an idea of what kind of crazy we're dealing with here!

MIL also lies to me about the dumbest things and I can't figure out why.  Stories are retold with different details or endings, she once gave me a plant saying that she's had it for 20(!) years bc she noticed a plant in my house that has sentimental value to me. Now I've been in MIL's house enough to know she is flat out lying and wondered if I was being set up? Is this plant about to die and I'm going to look like I killed it on purpose?! So I divided the plant right away to maximize my chances of keeping it alive. Of course, when I do, I notice it's a brand new plant from a garden centre with fresh soil and everything. Wtf this was all about I still have no idea.

The latest doozy was during H and I's last visit for a major holiday. We stayed in a hotel instead of at her house (because I need this), and she finally got me alone literally as we were leaving to drive home and tells me some bs story about SIL being molested as a teen! I don't believe this (for reasons). I am pretty good by now at being able to tell when MIL is lying and was very uncomfortable about her sharing something so personal about another person behind their back if it is indeed true. 
The internal alarm bells were going off so loud I was actually surprised no one else could hear them lol. So I just said something sympathetic and quickly changed the subject before ducking out the door to the waiting vehicle. 

I think MIL is trying to gain my trust because I've been VLC/grey rock for the past few years and MIL doesn't understand how trust works  .  She also mostly only keeps people around her that worship her, which I don't. She gives me creepy feelings which naturally push me farther away. It also pisses me off when I watch her screw with her kids' emotions for some kind of twisted personal gain.

She used to bring uncooked/defrosted food when she would visit (knowing full well my hobby is cooking and that I would have dinner made) until I got annoyed enough to tell her she knows how the oven works and is welcome to cook her own dinner!

She has done the showing up unannounced while I'm dealing with medical issues of the anxiety type. It didn't go over well with H thankfully so I don't think she'll pull that again.

The only time MIL has been overtly controlling is the time she called H up, SCREAMING at him, after finding out about a minor medical procedure H and I decided on.  I guess it goes against her religion but only if you're being selfish and using religion as a manipulation tactic. It didn't work so she phoned my mom, who she doesn't have a relationship with, to try to get her to talk us out of it. My mom told MIL that it was none of their damn business and to butt out (Love my mom!!!).

Perhaps I'm just finally realizing that this IS who this woman is, and wanting some validation and to vent.  I am a straightforward and direct person and have a limited inclination to play these games.  I guess I just have to keep my guard up forever?  Or until when/if H decides NC.  For H's sake I wish she would just be normal and not so insecure or whatever her problem is.

Thank you for listening and sorry it's long but it's only a fraction of all the stories there are!

[bloomie]

Hawkie - welcome to Out of the FOG and the in law board. Many of us here can relate to the grind of having a primary family member in their life who is untrustworthy and what I think of as slippery.

The false narrative and alienation that took place by your mil against your fil is incredibly sad, messy, and something none of you should have to deal with. I am thankful you and your H have a loving relationship with your fil and can see there is more to the story.

It is distressing to encounter one lie after another over very serious things - such as potential molestation, to things that do not matter - such as the origin of a house plant. 

There is a saying I use for someone in my own in law family - if their lips are moving they are lying. Very calculated and convoluted narratives that somehow after years of this still manage to convince some people - which continues to blow my mind. Drama seeking and attention seeking all of the time.

It has helped me a lot to learn about the traits (in the drop down menu above) and how to respond to these types of behaviors.  How to limit time spent and how to use tools from the toolbox when I am unable to avoid face to face time with this person.

Sharing here with others that understand and get how hard this all can get has also been a huge help and relief.  Processing through and gaining insights together has been a game changer for me and I hope it will be for you, too.

[blues_cruise]

Hi Hawkie, welcome to the board. 

Your MIL sounds like an attention seeker who loves to control the narrative and feel superior. I think when dealing with this type of person it's important to focus on what you can control rather than what you can't. There's a quote I think applies here: "When a toxic person can no longer control you, they will try to control how others see you." It sounds like this is what she is doing with her ex husband. It's a frustrating situation when you love him and must be difficult to watch others have a poor relationship with him, however in this scenario the only thing you can control is your relationship with him. Everything else is other people's stuff.

From what you've told us you've already been doing very well at identifying unacceptable behaviour and have been putting boundaries in place. It sounds like you have other people around you too, such as your H and your mom, who are able to call BS on her actions and help you to continue to enforce boundaries. Bringing her own food to your house when she knew you were cooking and turning up when you were trying to deal with your mental health are both things I imagine she did to undermine you and have a power trip, plus her over the top reaction to your private medical procedure was entirely out of order. It's really good that you have people around you who validated that her behaviour was unacceptable. Often other members of the family will just walk on eggshells too much around people like that.

I think all you can do is keep up with the boundaries and continue the medium chill when you have to interact with her. Often the mask will only drop when a PD person gets you alone, so try to never be left alone around her if you can. Treat her mentally as you would an annoying colleague who you have to put up with in meetings now and again out of pure obligation and try not to allow her to dominate too much of your head space outside of that. It's easier said than done sometimes, I know, but often their drama and covert attempts at control become far less significant when you try to focus more on the authentic, mentally balanced people in your life who genuinely bring you joy.