No headspace for grieving

[sambellscoup]

Due to being a musician, I'm always put on the spot for music needs in the family. I missed my grandmother's funeral last winter due to the virus and I have nearly a year of pent-up grief and stress over it. There's a memorial service organised for later this year, but because I know the narcissistic family members will be expecting/pressuring me to be the Human Jukebox, I've been unable to just focus on my grief and I've been stressing literally all year long about just how the heck I'm going to manage to force myself into a fit state for playing music.

I feel like I'm having to repress so much passion and grief until after the memorial service, when in fact the memorial service is supposed to be helping me grieve. But I know I'll be expected and pressured to help everyone else grieve.

I'm also worried that no other music will be organised for the day so if I do nothing, it'll be quiet and there'll be big horrible silences during which I'll feel horrible guilt for not performing. But I'm afraid of even trying to talk to anyone about it because I'm scared that that'll be the beginning of pulling on the pressure.

I can't trust them to have empathy for me.
I can't trust them not to spring something on me on the day.
I can't trust them to care what their behaviours and expectations are doing to me.
I can't trust them to understand and not punish me if u decide the memorial service is just too much and I need to just go be alone by the grave instead.

I've lost my dearly loved Nana, and I'm suffering the fear of PD relatives' punishment in place of getting access dividing on the woman who actually deserves/deserved my attention. I've lost her, and I've lost a year of grieving her properly, and I don't feel free to grieve until some vague time in the future.

The stress is too much. The grief is fighting with the fear and I can't deal with this clash in my head anymore. It's got to stop. But I can't stop worrying and dreading how I'll be treated on the day.

[sambellscoup]

Ugh sorry for the typos, I'm too late to edit them now... It was at least 2am here when I wrote that garbled mess.

[Hattie]

I would set a boundary and refuse to do it. Surely the family could hire a musician. Maybe one of your muso friends would appreciate the work?

[sambellscoup]

A little hope from today. I messaged my one sane sister to just broach the subject and state that boundary for the first time, and thankfully it went down well. It turns out she has actually already been considering asking friends of hers to play for it. She even asked how I was doing and I was able to explain how I'm struggling a bit more as the anniversary gets closer.

Of course, what do you think my brain is doing to me now? Feeling bad that she had to rush off after that brief exchange and I didn't get as far as asking her how she's doing.

I have to remember to trust that she'll take me up on the offer of a phonecall some day soon whenever she's up for one, and trust that she'll open up when I invite her to do so, and try not to expect her to behave the way our crazy siblings and mother do.

[nanotech]

Well done with the boundary. Condolences for your loss.
At the service you're presence is enough, You don't have to make everyone else feel better by performing.