Building a wider social circle in an era of social distancing

[JRPGFanatic]

I have found that I tend to ruminate acts that certain NPD people have committed far too often when I am sitting alone in my house.  I used to have more of an active RL social life, but a certain pandemic has put most of that on hold for now.  So I spend far too much time ruminating, obsessing, processing old wounds but not really healing them.

One friend told me I have to learn how to feel comfortable in my own skin.  Another suggested I look into virtual meetups.  Both of them are right, of course.

I try handing it to God, but I always tend to take it back sooner or later.  What, there is no quick fix to this?  Who would've thought?

Should I take new hobby?  Should I rearrange my furniture?  Is the fact that I am in my 40s and just might be having a midlife crisis have something to do with this?  In any case, I miss hanging with most of my RL friends.

[square]

I really can't comment on RL friends, as clearly you have something to teach me on that.

But I'm a natural ruminator, too. It's my spouse, not my parent, who is the PD, and I had a good childhood. Ruminating used to be fine for me, I'd work through a problem and usually come up with an answer, so it worked for me.

But when problems are unsolvable, that's when it gets ugly. You just go round and round.

One issue I had was trying to figure out the LOGIC of it all. Why would he say that? How could he believe this? How could he deny a thing in the face of witness, written, video evidence? I'm a logical person - fallable, of coirse, but logic is the rails on which I run, even if I get something wrong.

I was finally able to put the illogic of PD into a logical framework in my head. My framework may be wrong, but it makes sense to me, so I can let it rest easier. I just kind of got my head around how they are not logical, but entirely emotion-driven. So there is a logic to it.

Perhaps you ruminate on other things, and that's got to be hard. Anxiety, solving other issues, dealing with rude people out in the world, etc. I personally am okay on that front, I can chew a thing for a bit and either solve it or let it go. The reason I can let something like that go is that my stress (fight or flight) chemicals seem to die down naturally with a bit of time. (When it's not about this unsolvable black cloud I live with).

So with that perspective, you might think about what things you can do to achieve that since your body has been bathed in that constantly simce childhood, unlike mine. You know, exercise, meditation, spiritual study and reflection, hobbies, the usual. I guess the trick is to be doing it when you're relatively okay, so that it is a familiar thing to slide into when you're really stressed.

I hope you can figure out the friend thing, too. But it's good to have a fallback anyway so you're not dependent if nobody is abailable - even aside from the pandemic.

I know stuff like RPGs can soak up your attention as well. You don't have to think about your life when you're absorbed in it. I've found some distractions but I don't want them to take over my life,  because I've found I'm iust stuffing everything down. I haven't found any solution for that, and stuffing it away seems slightly better than taking feelings out that hurt and can't go anywhere. Are you able to get away from your source of pain? You might look into actually processing - inner child work and stuff like that. Maybe you can actually digest this thingbto some degree, and get rid of some of it.

[Jolie40]

Another suggested I look into virtual meetups.  I miss hanging with most of my RL friends.

agree, this pandemic has turned life upside down

there are many virtual classes avail now & many are even free
I did one free virtual class so far
eventbrite sends me emails about upcoming classes

also, sometimes FaceTime with others or phone them

can you set up a FaceTime/Skype OR call friends?

[tragedy or hope]

When I ruminate, bottom line, it is my need to control something coming to the surface. It may not be the thing I am thinking on but my sub-conscience is reminding me of something bigger I need to deal with.

Most times I get out of it by self talk realizing I am an adult, I must take control of my own life and find ways to take care of myself. Easy to say, very hard to do.

It seems harder to take care of oneself than a dying relative at times. But, much the same and highly necessary.

Maybe begin a list of things of interest that have nothing to do with other people but fulfill your soul. It's a start. IMO Interesting people are more likely to find a social circle of the same.

[JRPGFanatic]

Maybe begin a list of things of interest that have nothing to do with other people but fulfill your soul. It's a start. IMO Interesting people are more likely to find a social circle of the same.

Yeah, this is pretty much why I have been interested in buying a bicycle for a while.  I should make the plunge, go to a bike shop with all of my questions, and just go ahead and go for it.  I know my NPD mother has told me that she is terrified of the idea of me owning a bicycle because she is certain I will be foolish and get myself hit by a car (I didn't even know cars were allowed on bike trails, but just shows what I know), but I cannot allow myself to keep crumbling under her extremely aggressive and emotional pressure.

[1footouttadefog]

I have been joining in on some zello groups.  One is a program where people talk about food and what they cook, and there is a lot of do you remember this or thst from the past.  People talk about how they make a certain thing. The subject is changed from week to week ND everyone gets a chance to participate  as the hosts /moderators are good about seeing to that.

Another is with people who ha e a common hobby interest and we are all from the same region.  A third group is from all over the world.

I do two of these on a given night of the week and have come to look forward to them.  I recently made. Small overnight trip with my kid to look at colleges a few hours away and realized I knew someone from almost every town we passed be aise we introduce ourselves with our town or county or (a nearby town if we want more security) each week.   I could hear the voices as I read those exit signs as some of the folks have thick accents.

One of the groups has an in person camp at a state park in the fall. It will be the third or fourth one, and It's like a family reunion as we all talk most weeks all year. 

Hobbies, go to the same farmers market each week. Volunteer at a thrift store to hang clothing and sort by size or such. Volunteer at the library.  There are many ways to meet folks. I am making time in my schedule for just that.  I have a little bar/grill in towm that has Karioke once a week and I go to that. Some of the same folks come to listen and sing so its nice that way. Only about thirty five total folks so it's like a nice sized event to get to know each other.  The doors stay open and there are tables on the sidewalk.

I hope everyone can find a way to socialize despite this covid thing.