Stepson on vacation with us/comment

[chowder]

So my husband has always wanted to rent a house for a family reunion with his two sons who live out of town (my stepsons) and ourselves and our biological daughter.  All kids are adults, well-established, and sons are close to 50, one married, one single.  We are currently on this trip, nearing the end, and the married son couldn't make it due to COVID.  So it's just the four of us.

At a restaurant last night, when the bill came my husband suggested to his son that they split it.  (If he doesn't suggest that, his kids always sit back and just let dad pick up the entire tab.)  His son split it, but balked at it, saying "You know, it's not as if daughter is my date or my wife, so why should I have to pay half the bill?" 

I was stunned, and didn't know if or how to respond in the moment.  This son was the one who made the reservation and suggested having dinner at this particular restaurant, and I actually thought he would be paying as a way of saying thank you for the vacation.  But I don't expect that.  I also don't expect to hear a comment like that in front of everyone.  If you disagree with dad's request, speak to him privately. 

It also does not sit well with me that he would make a comment like that about, and in front of, our daughter.   And we were not directly asking him to pay for her meal (which was the cheapest, and son's was the most expensive) but just a split of the whole thing. 

Interested in feedback/suggestions.   I don't know if it may come up again, and if so, if I should have any response or let it go.  I'm thinking if I said anything directly to the son it would not go well.   And this is not about our daughter.  I'm inclined to say something to hubby, but after everyone goes home.  He has a way of "slipping" with his sons, and I want to wait until after hubby takes his son to the airport in a couple of days.   And I'm also not inclined to do a vacation together again, since this leaves a bad taste in my mouth (not the first time that's happened with stepson, either).

I'm thinking of saying something to our daughter, too, along the lines of "it's not about her."  It was a hurtful comment, and I don't quite know how she took it.

Thanks in advance!

[Starboard Song]

This sounds to me like a completely natural interpersonal mix up. I think we just stumbled into an awkward moment here, perhaps exacerbated by a mild but simmering difference of opinion over how such things should go. I'd suggest that you let it go, but then prepare a better way to address the issue in the future.

Your son objected to paying half of the bill in front of everyone. But likewise, your husband proposed that he pick up half the bill in front of everyone too, rather than speak to him privately. Given a history of the son sitting back and letting the parents pay, it was probably unlikely that son wouldn't want to itemize. And he may have felt it odd that daughter wasn't invited to pay some. When patterns get established between generations like this, it can take some time to break up those patterns and get new ones going.

In the future, it may be very helpful to be up front about financial arrangements for a while. "I'll get the rent for the whole week, and bring groceries. When we go out, everyone will be on their own for dinner tabs. We can't wait to see you all."

[chowder]

Wise words, Starboard.  Thank you for the clarity.

Chowder

[Latchkey]

Hi chowder,
Do you suspect your Step Son has a PD? I agree that this is potentially more of a misunderstanding mixed with some rude behavior.

[chowder]

Not sure about PD.  But rudeness is definitely there, along with condescension oftentimes.