Visiting my inlaws

[Sneezy]

Well, I have finally agreed to go visit uHMIL and enabling FIL .  It's a big birthday for FIL and I feel like I need to be there.  This will be the first time I've gotten on a plane since March 2020 and the first time I've seen my in-laws since a brief visit for Christmas 2019.

Initially, I thought it was just going to be me and DH, but now it's grown.  I am so not looking forward to this.  Auntie who thrives on drama and loves to control everything is coming.  And she is bringing *all* the food for every meal with her, because God forbid the rest of us (who are all well north of 50) can be trusted with making any decisions about what and when we want to eat.  Grumpy Uncle will be with her of course.  Then, anti-vaxxer BIL and his wife will also be there.  They keep sending me links to articles about how the government is implanting chips in us and editing our DNA and who knows what else.  They truly don't believe that I don't care - bring on the DNA editing, maybe the government will edit my genes to the point where I look 20 again and live forever.  I truly don't care - just stop sending me links and telling me to read the crazy articles you find online.

My plan is to just leave the room if the talk turns to politics or the virus or any other dramatic topic.  I will have to 1. put my laundry in the dryer, 2. get a cup of coffee, or 3. use the bathroom.  The problem is this is always my plan and it often doesn't work.  I get sucked into the drama no matter how hard I try to avoid it.  I can't think of any other plan, though.

[Thru the Rain]

Uggg! Sounds awful.

Here are some potential suggestions.
- Make sure YOU have the car keys and tell your husband that you may very well take a break and drive away for a little time by yourself. And make sure what ever the parking situation is, don't get parked in. Park in the street, down the block - what ever it takes to make sure you can quietly slip away without a big fuss.

- Stay in a hotel or an Airbnb. There are many price points. Don't get stuck staying in anyone's house. I made this a non-negotiable item years ago when visiting my own family. They complained (a lot) at first, but now they just expect that I'll be staying in a hotel. This will give you a huge buffer zone of time away from toxic relatives.

- Putting the first two suggestions together, leave early. And if your DH wants to stay longer to visit with his relatives, tell him to call or text and you'll come back around to pick him up. Set this up as a possibility with your DH in advance so you're not arguing/negotiating this with an audience.

- Wear your most comfortable shoes and then don't sit down the whole time. Sitting can equal "sitting duck". If you're already on your feet, it is so much easier to just ease away from people you don't want to spend time with. If you are in a situation where you have to sit (like a restaurant) make sure you aren't in the middle of the back of the booth. Sit at an end of the table, so you're not asking a bunch of people to get up or move their chairs if you would like to get up and duck out for a while - especially if this is a group that wants to know BuT WhhhhhY? everytime you get up.

- Come prepared with a bunch of semi boring topics to discuss. Be ready to talk at length about movies you've seen (or would like to see), TV shows you've seen (or would like to see), books you've read or would like to read, the weather - either at home or at the party location or anywhere in the world really, traffic - again it could be the traffic at home or what you experienced on the way to the party.

Other good topics are pets and children, especially any pets or children who are present and likely to be cute. I would literally make a list of boring chit chat you can discreetly refer to and be ready to change the subject continuously. And sports - I always forget this one because I just don't care about most sports - but bring up someone's favorite team and they will simply dominate the entire conversation for a good 10 or 15 minutes. I'm thinking you could bring up Uncle College Football's favorite team when anti-vaxxer BIL starts winding up.

- Regarding the food - I don't know what issues you may be anticipating there, but from the sounds of "Auntie" she's probably not big on letting people decide what they will and won't eat. In those situations, I take a little spoonful of EVERYTHING - and then just don't eat the stuff that I'm just not going to eat. I move food around so it looks like I'm busy eating even if I'm not. And if anyone asks if you tried their "special dish" you can say "Yes I have some right here" and point to your plate.

My M and DH's StepM are both dangerously bad cooks with very poor food handling habits and I flat out won't eat anything they've cooked. I've got the loaded plate thing down - just make sure you move everything around so it looks like you ate a bunch and just left a bite or two - even though YOU know that's the full amount you took to begin with. You can also combine this with the car idea and on your "little breather" drive you can stop at a restaurant to get your real meal.

- Practice a bunch of non-committal statements for when the conversation turns to anything you don't want to engage in. My favorite is "Is that right?" Other good possibilities are "Everyone has a story" or "You don't say".

- Is there anyone at this event you're actually looking forward to seeing? Maybe call them in advance and suggest "let's sit together at dinner so we can catch up". Similarly if there is a topic you would be willing to discuss with any of these people, make a mental note to bring that subject up. My sister's FIL is always ready to loudly announce his political opinions - drives my sister nuts. But my DH loves to talk with the guy about some amazing work he's done with veterans groups, which is a much more palatable discussion.


And I was laughing out loud at the idea that the gov't is implanting microchips along with the vaccine. A little unrelated, but I had to have an extended release sterroid "pellet" injected for a medical problem recently. That pellet was super small, but there's no way they could have hidden it in another injection. The syringe was different from a normal liquid syringe, and it made a little snap noise when the pellet was released from the injector. And when I think about the thousands of people who've been invovled with administering vaccines in all sorts of settings, there's just no way a microchip is going into every shot. And all those people have kept silent?

[Tribe16]

Thru the Rain,
I just wanted to say this post is brilliance. Cutting this out and keeping it and calling it

"Survival Tips for Toxic Family Gatherings"

[Sneezy]

Thru the Rain - THANK YOU for all the great suggestions!  I especially like the idea of keeping comfortable shoes on.  My inlaws have a very sweet dog who loves to go on walks.  I think whenever the discussions get political or otherwise triggering, I am going to take the dog for a walk.  Good for her and for me.  I am also going to be prepared to bring up football and other boring topics, such as bad Netflix shows I have recently binged on   

I've come up with a couple other ideas I may also utilize.  As far as the food situation, I have decided to check a bag (even though this trip is short enough that I could probably get away with a carry-on).  I am bringing along a stash of my favorite coffee, tea, and snacks.  Enough to share even.  But I am not going to be stuck with whatever awful coffee passive-aggressive MIL decides to buy or whatever food dramatic Auntie demands that we all eat.  Too often, DH and I have visited his parents and there is no food in the house or no coffee.  And there are also too many "rules" about when we can eat.  In the past I have been so hungry (which makes me a little peeved) because uHMIL and/or dramatic Auntie have decreed that dinner will not be served until "x o'clock" regardless of how hungry we all are.  If need be, I will just get snacks from my stash.  I can survive quite a few days as long as I have my favorite coffee and favorite granola bars. 

I'm also thinking about bringing along a few puzzles and games.  So if the discussion get heated, I'll just bring out my pack of Trivial Pursuit cards and start asking dumb questions.  Or break out a 1000 piece puzzle in the middle of the dining room table and see if I can get people working on it.

I think my biggest fear is the potential for a big blow up or serious anger.  Dramatic Auntie has been known to burst into tears and run out of the room, leaving us all wondering what the heck set her off.  Anti-vax BIL can actually be a lot of fun until he isn't and then he blows up.  And uHMIL alternates between being sweet and waify and lashing out.  But DH and I have discussed the anger issues and he agrees that if there are emotional explosions, we are just getting up and getting out until it blows over.  So thankfully we are on the same page in that regard.

[Thru the Rain]

Bringing your own coffee and snacks is a great idea! And the dog walking is really inspired.

And a puzzle is great idea too. And if things get heated, there's always that one piece you can see from across the table. "Oh, just have to stand up, walk over and get my one piece." And then "Since I'm up I'm going to take the dog for a walk".

I'm so glad you and your DH are on the same page about when is the right time to slip out. Emotional and angry outbursts are so uncomfortable, and some people see the extended family get-together as the perfect time to hold an attention grabbing tantrum.

[Cat of the Canals]

OMG that list is golden! PDmil is coming here in about 3 weeks, and I'm definitely going to study up and have all my exit strategies mapped out. (Already told my husband we will drive separately anywhere we go so we can't be held hostage.)

[Hilltop]

I would definitely take snacks and nice coffee or use getting a coffee to leave.  I would have a book handy to read or as you say other small activities to involve yourself with.  I would just listen quietly if the topic turned to politics or the vaccine and not get involved, if they try to involve you just say you need to go to the toilet.

I would leave if there are any meltdowns, tears or anyone getting angry.  I would use that time to take the dog for a walk, go get a coffee, go have a shower, go to bed.

Most of all just simply be there but remove yourself from the drama,  if the Auntie wants to do meals so be it, have snacks on hand if you get hungry and get take out if you really feel like it.  As soon as you feel the tension rise just excuse yourself.

At the end of the day, its a few days and you can come here and vent if you need to.

[Sneezy]

Thanks everyone!  I think I have my strategies mapped out.  Still need to download a couple books to my kindle, but otherwise I have what I need (coffee, snacks, puzzles, etc.).

BIL is ramping up the drama from afar.  He keeps sending pictures of himself in tightly packed, crowded situations - to go along with his latest links about the virus.  I responded once, but now I'm done.  I'm fully vaccinated, I feel safe, and I'm not going to argue with him.  BIL WANTS an argument.  He wants to spend the entire time yelling about politics and I'm just not going to do it.  Period.  I am going to be "going to get a cup of coffee" quite often, followed by the logical next step of "going to the bathroom" just as often. 

And if it gets bad, I'll be out here for advice