My Cluster B Nightmare of a Father Passed Away Today.

[Hazel Eyes]

And I reacted to the news like I knew I would. I went into no contact with him twice in my life. This last one lasted from 2010 until his death. He moved from the USA with his second family to another country back in 2011. His second wife is from there.

Anyway, no tears here. I shed enough of them in my younger years to last a lifetime (I am 54). Because of the horrible way he treated me and those closest to him until the day he died. I was his oldest child and caught the brunt of his behavior during his younger years. And now my younger siblings dealt with it in the later years of his life. From what I have heard from them is he only got worse with age. 

I guess you could say that mourning him while he was alive has helped me a great deal with how I feel about his death today. Right now, the only emotions I feel are some sadness about how he wasted his life the way he did. Plus, some relief knowing he will never hurt any of us again That's about it. No anger or resentment. No ill will or wanting to dance on his grave. Thank goodness! 

He left behind 5 kids. Me, my full brother (who I was raised with), and 3 other children from his second family. One of them was adopted (she's the youngest). The other two are my half-siblings. I am sure the details surrounding his death will come out at some point.

Also, I am not saying that everyone who experiences the death of a PD parent will have the same ways of coping or feel like I do. I just wanted to share how it is going for me. If I help anyone else by posting this, then that's what matters to me most. 

[SunnyMeadow]

What people feel after the PD person passes is much different than what the PD person would expect. I expect to feel the same as you Hazel Eyes, relief and sadness for how they waste their lives.

I'm glad you shared.

[bloomie]

Hazel Eyes - I hope this ending brings peace. It is incredibly sad to think of all of the wasted years and opportunities some of our loved ones choose in their lives.

I am thankful you are steady and clear eyed through this and appreciate you sharing how you are processing your father's death.

[Adria]

Hazel Eyes,

I don't feel there is a right or wrong way to feel when an abusive parent passes. I'm so glad it sounds like you are mostly at peace.  I agree with you that it is sad they wasted so many opportunities to love and be loved.  It's too bad they just don't have it in them.  I'm sure I will feel just like you when my narc father passes. Nothing there except grief for what could have been.  Thank you for letting us know and sharing how you feel.  It helps us all. Hugs, Adria

[JenniferSmith]

It sounds like you feel very clear about your feelings about your dad and are at peace with them, and that is a blessing given the type of father you had.

I relate to how you feel.  Like you, I grieved the father I wished I had long before his actual death. I've come to think this is the healthiest way to deal with parents like these.... if at all possible.  I haven't had too many feelings since he died. I shed all the tears for years before that. 

[Hazel Eyes]

It sounds like you feel very clear about your feelings about your dad and are at peace with them, and that is a blessing given the type of father you had.

I relate to how you feel.  Like you, I grieved the father I wished I had long before his actual death. I've come to think this is the healthiest way to deal with parents like these... if at all possible.  I haven't had too many feelings since he died. I shed all the tears for years before that. 

Thank you for sharing. I am glad that I am not alone. It has been almost two weeks since he passed from COVID complications. I felt a little sadness and some manageable anger during the first week (when memories popped up). I allowed myself to process them in real-time. Instead of stuffing everything like I had learned to do to survive the times, he was in my life. Now, I am good. I hope he has found the peace he never had in life. And to be honest, I do not miss him at all. 

[JustKat]

Hi Hazel Eyes,

We have a lot in common. I was also 54 when my NPDmother died. Also the oldest and took the brunt of her abuse. I was NC when she passed and felt nothing, at least nothing that resembled grief. Like you, I had already spent a lot of time grieving the loss of the mother I should have had, so when the actual death occurred there was nothing left to grieve.

What people feel after the PD person passes is much different than what the PD person would expect.

That's so true, Sunny Meadow. When my Nmother passed the only person who grieved was my enabling father. There was no memorial because there was no one to invite. So while I got the worst of her abuse, I wasn't the only one who saw what a bad person she was. Hazel, you may find the same to be true of your father. I'm glad that you're in a good place now. I think it's pretty normal to feel angry from time to time. We have a lifetime of painful memories that will never go away and we're always going to have to deal with that. But our PD parent can never hurt us again. Better days ahead!
Sending hugs...

[Hazel Eyes]

Thank you, everyone, for your heartfelt responses and input. I found them to be very validating and useful. It's time for me to go back into lurk mode now. I look forward to learning much more from others on this site in the future. I may pop in again at some point. Until then...

[Hazel Eyes]

What people feel after the PD person passes is much different than what the PD person would expect.

It's true. Not just in my case. I have heard this same thing from others who had PD parents that have passed away.