Books, podcasts on moving on from NPD relationship

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nillah

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Books, podcasts on moving on from NPD relationship
« on: August 30, 2021, 11:17:59 AM »
Does anyone have a book they read after ending their relationship with an NPD partner/spouse which they would recommend? I am looking for something that would help me make sense of what happened but also help me move on.

I just ended a 5-year live-in relationship with my uNPD partner. The first years I had no clue about PDs or anything like that, so I was deep in the fog and going through the cycles. I always felt there was something going on but couldn't get a hold of it, so I signed up for relationship counselling where I was trying to learn to be a better partner (I had internalised this idea that I must try harder and I'm the issue--of course I was paying it out of my pocket and he never joined). Anyway, late last year I accidently learned about the narcissist-empath dynamic and it blew my mind away. It was like reading about my relationship from someone who had been observing us all these years. It was hard to realise that he's a narcissist but I kept that part to myself. A couple of weeks later, apparently he'd been reading anewspaper and there was a little quiz about whether you're a narcissist and he said how he took it and the results showed that he's a narcissist. HA! I thought this was a big breakthrough and that it meant that he could change. I was wrong. His behaviors continued and after we broke up, he told me how the relationship had made him feel bad about himself, like he's a monster, but that he'd contacted his friends and family who told him how he's full of love and empathy (indirectly saying that I was making him feel bad... Duh! I was a mirror to his personality and he just never managed to integrate his "dark" side). Anyway, I was always praising him, sometimes even too much, but he always took that for granted even though I told him that I felt left out in the affection department. He was happy to take, but giving was a whole enigma.

Anyway, I'm going through grieving cycles. I know my ignorance and people-pleasing and low self-esteem contributed to the whole situation so I'm trying to work on that. I'm in the phase where I feel DEEPLY hurt by his best friends & family because I spent the last 2 years spending soo much time with them and developing what I thought were real wonderful bonds. I would travel and spend days with them, I got so deeply involved in their lives (back then I used to listen to their messed up dynamics and it never crossed my mind that their dynamics are tied to my partner's behavior too... I was ignorant). But now I realise none of those relationships were real because they are now pretending I don't exist even though I'm the one living in a foreign country where I don't speak the language (my partner's). Also they are now enabling him by telling him how he's perfect and dissecting me for any flaws so they can blame the whole thing on me. They are immature, just like him. It makes me super sad and I'll never invest in in-law relations like this ever again. It's quite a heartbreak.

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Bunnyme

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Re: Books, podcasts on moving on from NPD relationship
« Reply #1 on: September 03, 2021, 05:49:57 AM »
There is a section below this board with book reviews, but here are a few of the many that helped me.
Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft
Stop Walkomg on Eggshells
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist

Podcast - The Narcissidtic Trauma Recovery Podcast (caroline Strawson)

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Simon

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Re: Books, podcasts on moving on from NPD relationship
« Reply #2 on: September 03, 2021, 02:20:49 PM »
A book I've recommended to many people over the last couple of years is Psychopath Free by Jackson MacKenzie.

I can't recommend it highly enough.
It's a very honest and open look at what the author went through, and what it all meant.

Here's a snippet from the introduction, just so you can see how we can all relate to what he is saying:

"Finding yourself involved with a Psychopath is an adventure, that's for sure. It will open your eyes to human nature, our broken society, and, perhaps most important of all, your own spirit. It's a dark journey that will throw you into spells of depression, rage, and loneliness. It will unravel your deepest insecurities, leaving you with a lingering emptiness that haunts your every breath.
But ultimately, it will heal you.
You will become stronger than you could ever imagine. You will understand who you are truly meant to be. And in the end, you will be glad it happened.
No one ever believes me about that last part. At least, not at first. But I promise you, it's an adventure worth taking. One that will change your life forever."


I've also read Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist, and while there is some really excellent info in there on self-care and healing, there are also chapters on how to manage your BPD/NPD partner better, by understanding their anxiety and adjusting your behaviour accordingly, and that doesn't sit right with me.
I'm of the school that believes that the only way to heal from an NPD/BPD abuser is to get away from them, and staying with them, whether you try and understand their anxiety or not, results in long-term emotional damage to the victim, and no change to the abuser.
If you can avoid those chapters (unless reading about how you should have tried harder is your thing), then the rest of the information in that book is well worth the read.

HTH.

« Last Edit: September 03, 2021, 02:22:42 PM by Simon »

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PlantFlowersNotWeeds

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Re: Books, podcasts on moving on from NPD relationship
« Reply #3 on: September 03, 2021, 08:00:11 PM »
I understand your concern about the Stop Caretaking...book.  I appreciated the chapters about how to handle the relationship because many people can not leave for various reasons.  I was not ready to leave for many years because I was afraid of loosing money in the divorce (he's going to suck up every dollar he can), but now I don't care.  Take it.  I'm out.  So, I would have benefitted from those chapters 4 years ago.  Now, I am almost willing to throw the money at him, but he wants to stay and do nothing.  UGH

Thank you for the suggestion of Psychopath Free.  I was able to download it for free from my library.

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notrightinthehead

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Re: Books, podcasts on moving on from NPD relationship
« Reply #4 on: September 04, 2021, 04:54:27 AM »
Nilah to all the excellent suggestions above I want to add a book I found helpful - It's my life now by Dugan and Hock.
I can't hate my way into loving myself.