Today is my birthday. I could really use some support

[Mary]

This has been an amazing thread. There is so much difficulty, so much growth, and so much community. I have been laughing out loud. Thank you, Weary, for sharing your journey. I have really resonated with several posts. I will share some of my thoughts in hopes that it will contribute to the flavor of this thread.

SoT explained that you will be blamed for changing, and not to apologize for it. It was very powerful for me to verbalize and agree guilt-free that I AM different, this is the "new" Mary, and I don't feel bad about it. uNPDh read the Bible at me for about a half hour to convince me to submit to the emotional abuse, and I respectfully told him I didn't interpret it that way--a HUGE shift in my behavior. I started to realize that the reason I had felt so much guilt about not being a better spouse was that he was telling me I was guilty. Once I started listening for it, I was shocked at how much blame was laid on. Sometimes I feel like I have become a heathen, but more often, the peace and sanity of living Out of the FOG, as well as feedback from friends, overrides that.

I agree that it is super confusing to accept love from a spouse, but not to trust it. Like Weary, I feel that my journey has been two steps forward, one back on this one. I thought I had it settled in my mind to accept the truth of the situation, but lately I have struggled again to accept it.  It feels like I must be two different people almost--one who loves, yet is detached. My brain is struggling with this dichotomy.

On daydreaming about life with perfectly enacted boundaries, I have started living out some of my wishes. Consequences have been pretty heavy, but each victory is a new step of freedom.

1. work-I cut back my work hours, and got so much more time to raise my kids and have friendships. It took about four hard years for him to get past the angst of it, but the financial responsibility for the family is much more balanced now. I am bolder in claiming and acting that half of our monthly income and assets are mine versus the days when he controlled most all the money whether he was working or not.

2. Visiting friends-I have quit asking permission and instead started telling him my plans. At first, he seethed that if I ever did anything like that again (I had gone to a wedding for an afternoon) that he would file for divorce. He also upended our family weekend schedule to exclude me in punishment that lasted about 6 months.  I did not acquiesce, and have continued getting together with friends and groups that I enjoy. I am so much happier in my own skin with this new pattern established.

3. Extended family-I would give myself an "emerging" score on this one. I am definitely doing more than I used to, but given the punishments from #1 and #2, I get scared to press towards what I want to do which is to have a set schedule of visiting four times per year.

4. Social-I would get much more involved in church life, especially singing. This area is emerging.  Most times after I go to an event, I'm so glad that I "faced the music" and went.

5. Hobbies- I would invest more of my time in the non-profit I started. Several years back he demanded that I shut it down, despite my years of investment in the work. As it stands, I try hard to work on this project under the radar which stifles the work and growth in a LOT of ways. I don't even talk about it in front of the kids much as in the past they have unwittingly narced on me. I want this project to become my work eventually, but unless I get moving on it, that won't happen. What would happen if I just worked on it openly? It could be 6 months of upheaval in some area of life....I know, I know, fear. Another detraction is time. I allow a lot of time to get sucked away by the hamster wheel.

6. Time-I would watch way less TV to "be together as a family" and spend less time eating out which can drag on for hours.

Finally, Detached wrote, "...it is fine to do things she doesn't like." It was a great day when I learned this!

Thanks everyone for your contributions!

Mary

[SonofThunder]

Mary, so nice and encouraging to read your daydreams list and your proactivity in making the daydreams a reality, all with your boundary and other Out of the FOG tools in full gear!  I hope you are able to boldly continue forward, turn your non-prof into the work reality you desire and continue to unveil and experience the 'new' Mary!   

SoT

[WearyHusband]

Thanks everyone for the thoughtful, affirming, and helpful replies.
SoT, I nominate you for the newly coined "Gandalf" award for guiding me so skillfully through the dreaming exercise. I found that exercise - and your subsequent "mentoring" afterward -- to be incredibly freeing and helpful.
Grateful for each of you,
WH

[SonofThunder]

Weary,

Thank you for the kind words.  Its a joy for me as well to glean from, think through and share experiences and opinions with others who are on the same path.  Im super excited for you, in reading you are experiencing a new sense of freedom and empowerment.  Keeping you in thoughts and prayer for that snowball to grow. 

SoT

[Justanotherlostgirl]

Hi Weary,

I'm so sorry you are dealing with all of this. I've been following this thread for a while, not really sure what to write. My husband is similar to your wife in many ways. My stbx doesn't celebrate any holidays, and sees no need for it as "I never had holidays as a kid."

I really relate to one part of your story specifically. When you said that through therapy you've realized that you "don't want to hurt your wife", I completely understand this, and I imagine a lot of the people here on Out of the FOG relate to this. Partially because we are caretakers, partially because many of us are likely codependent, and partially because of our childhoods - growing up with parents who had personality disorders themselves.

I believe you've been married much longer than I have, but I struggled for a very long time with thoughts of not wanting to hurt my uPDH. He has expressed to me that many people in his life abandoned him, and I, being the people pleasing codependent which I am, felt that I needed to stay to PROVE I could never hurt him like other people. Although he was hurting me immensely, I felt that this was my cross to bear. It took me many years, and a lot of heartache to realize that it wasn't.

I just wanted to comment to let you know that you are only responsible for you. It isn't your job to keep her happy at the expense of your own happiness, or at the expense of your physical or mental health. I know using the toolbox is helpful. It's helped me a lot. But at the end of the day, we only have one life, and you should spend your life being happy, not in service to her. She is deeply broken, her personality is underdeveloped and she does not have the skills and tools necessary to recover from this. Here is a link to a study (there are many) showing that people with NPD have underdevelopment in the part of the brain that we use for empathy:

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2013/06/130619101434.htm

This is also true for people with BPD and people with ASPD. They truly do lack the functions required to perceive others emotions, or to feel empathy themselves.

As you're writing in the working on it section, I assume that you want to try to save your marriage. Therefore, I'm not going to tell you to leave, that is your choice. I just wonder, what would be so bad about hurting your wife?
What is it that makes you unable to do so?

I finally came to the conclusion personally that not everyone can be helped. I can't save my husband, as his brain is not fully developed. I CAN save myself the years of pain and get my life back. As much as it hurts me to hurt him, it is absolutely necessary to keep myself intact. I will be thinking about you and watching how your story unfolds here on the boards. I hope that the toolbox and the other posters will be able to help you in a meaningful way and I wish you well on your journey with your PD spouse.