Dealing with effect on children

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Re: Dealing with effect on children
« Reply #20 on: September 30, 2021, 02:15:59 AM »
You wrote your DD was written off bc the authorities felt you coached her.

The acquaintance's child's claim was dismissed, bc the uncle's ex wife was assumed to be seeking to " get him back." I assumed they felt it was revenge, not get back together in a relationship. 

I'm not blaming you.... I'm trying to help you avoid mistakes I've made, in case you've made them also.  If you weren't advocating for your DD.....who reported the abuse?

Breathe.  10 deep breaths.  Maybe more.  It calms our Nervous System so we can think clearly and problem solve.

What I do know is it's necessary to pull together all your evidence, witness statements, any expert witness statements in order to formulate your theory of your case, keep it short, pointed and don't talk about anything else, which is difficult, bc we're upset when talking about these things, understandably so.  We talk and talk and talk if we aren't checking ourselves, ime.

The guilty accused will always claim a child has been coached.  The evidence this is happening is when the child is repeating exact words and phrases of the "coach.". Your DD is autistic and perhaps she did use some of your words and it was necessary....not coaching, just helping.  This is why bringing a child psychologist on board would be helpful.  They can say it hopefully without any bias or appearance if bias, ime. 

From that evidence, you form a believable narrative you can back up with facts and documentation.  Believable means we leave out the crazy PD facts we can't prove, even if true, bc it makes us appear unhinged just to say them.  The evidenc needs to "square up" and make sense to people who don't understand PDs.

There are 2 children making accusations.  Perhaps there are more if you seek them out?  Filing charges against this man seems wiser than reporting your wife to DFCS, but I'd consider doing both and engaging a Child Psychologist to present an expert opinion, hopefully after meeting with your DD at least once, to back you up. 

Having the other family provide evidence at the same time should be helpful, imo, but a family law attorney can guide you through this better than I can.

Avoiding the communication mistakes I posted about ( and, as aI wrote) have made myself) will help people understand your situation.  Right now, the people in positions of authority don't understand.

It's better to get your evidence together before talking to an attorney, btw.  I put mine into a binder for quick access and reference.  Some evidence will be good.  Some not so good.

I wish for the best possible outcome for your DD and other children.


What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt



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Re: Dealing with effect on children
« Reply #21 on: September 30, 2021, 02:16:29 AM »
If I may offer a bit of advice, maybe it was offered and I missed it, but it is this:

Use the toolbox.  Be upfront, short and brief, monotone, and not angry or condescending about your ex with your children.  Keep the focus on teaching them to handle the situation.  Focus on teaching them to listen to their feelings, learn to express them and also, most importantly, take the time to listen to them.  Listen and wait when you respond.  When you do respond start with "I hear you say . . . " If you don't have time to respond, tell them to table it and why and make sure you come back.  This will make the biggest difference between you two and provide them a safe place to go.  That is very important.  They need to learn that their feelings are valid and important.

Also, and I can't stress this enough, get them into counseling asap.  Find them someone outside of all the chaos they can rely on who is trained in this.  There are great child therapists out there who can really provide you and them support, tools and work with you all to process this appropriately.  It has made all the difference for my son who has come out of it more resilient than I could imagine.

Good luck and we are pulling for you all.



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Re: Dealing with effect on children
« Reply #22 on: October 01, 2021, 10:11:10 AM »
MYbe you can speak with someone at a domestic shelter, ie a social worker.  Or try seeking advice from a social worker in your county system. You might make an appointment with the school social worker or one with the family services.

Perhaps one of these individuals can give you an idea of resources you can use to navigate through this.

If not maybe hiring a lawyer and going for at least temporary custody until the other parent can secure better conditions for the kids.