Dealing with effect on children

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Gettintired76

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Dealing with effect on children
« on: September 01, 2021, 12:01:03 AM »
 :sadno: I watch and interact with my kids and see how the entire situation has effected their personalities and behaviors to really saddens me. I I have gotten to we’re I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t control them because if I try to discipline them she has it set in their heads that I’m a non entity in their world, that all they have to do is go to her and she will scream and cuss at and or threaten me. Then she will flip and tell me I have to “man up” and be the adult, the parent. She started cussing and throwing a fit our daughters’ school today, not knowing that they had to have permission from me to even speak to her. She has been very hit or miss with the kids education to date but somehow in her home state even tho she had custody and it was she who pulled the kids over petty stuff, I was threaten with jail time for truancy. They are a bit diff here. Since I have been the one in contact with the schools and have made the decisions as it were, I have complete control over it, and they must have my permission to confer with her. She screamed at the poor woman that they would not be attending because of requirements. I just don’t know anymore.

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1footouttadefog

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Re: Dealing with effect on children
« Reply #1 on: September 03, 2021, 09:32:24 AM »
I found it useful to openly discuss the issues with my kids in an age appropriate way.

I also empowered then to disengage from crazy and behavior while at the same time expecting them to be respectful.

They knew they could report things and thst I wou d address then with my spouse in their behalf.   This way at least the unfair behavior and pd game playing was open between me and the kids and they did not have to pretend it was not hurtful etc.

I took the list of traits on this website and we went through the list and talked about the items on it so they could see from a neutral third party what was what.

I wish you the best in dealing with the kids.  It's so awful when they are effected by every thing a pd puts then through.

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Lauren17

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Re: Dealing with effect on children
« Reply #2 on: September 08, 2021, 12:25:06 PM »
I’m seeing more and more how stbxh has negatively  impacted my children. And how my reactions to his behaviors have impacted my children. 
Its so very painful to see. I’m not sure what’s to be done other than to love them, open lines of communication, and be the stable parent they need.
H doesn’t rage. He doesn’t shout. He teases, mocks, sulks and quietly manipulates. I’ve tried explaining to kids in an age appropriate fashion. But I always stumble. So hard to point out a childish behavior without calling dad childish.
I may take 1foot’s suggestion about talking through the traits. 
I’ve cried a thousand rivers. And now I’m swimming for the shore” (adapted from I’ll be there for you)

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Gettintired76

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Re: Dealing with effect on children
« Reply #3 on: September 14, 2021, 04:21:20 PM »
It’s very hard to be the “stable” parent when ther mother has them convinced you’re the unstable one. However my son has started openly questioning her about some things she does and defending my position on things.

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1footouttadefog

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Re: Dealing with effect on children
« Reply #4 on: September 15, 2021, 03:09:14 PM »
As the kids get older and more mayite they will see more and more of the truth with their own eyes.


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Gettintired76

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Re: Dealing with effect on children
« Reply #5 on: September 15, 2021, 05:56:24 PM »
I truly hope so, I try my best not to drag them into things with her but she insists on pitting them in there to be on “her side”. I tell her to leave them out of it but she says they have a right “to know” how worthless their father is or whatever the argument is.

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Lauren17

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Re: Dealing with effect on children
« Reply #6 on: September 17, 2021, 11:49:14 AM »
My stbxh recently pulled the “they have the right to know” argument with me. Thanks to my support here at OOTF and was able to step in.  I explained that the only thing they need to know about their  parents relationship are things that affect them directly. The kids focus should be on being kids.
I think I saw that your kids are around age 10. Thats young for kids to be questioning the world around them and where/how they fit in it.  Maybe checkout the Talking to Kids part of the Toolbox for more info.
My DD started questioning her dads behavior around age 15.
I’ve cried a thousand rivers. And now I’m swimming for the shore” (adapted from I’ll be there for you)

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1footouttadefog

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Re: Dealing with effect on children
« Reply #7 on: September 17, 2021, 07:37:13 PM »
My youngest started calling out her father's hypocracy at age 4. She was like a little lawyer.

She was also very angry about it all.  I had no choice but to start having conversations that were age appropriate.

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Lauren17

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Re: Dealing with effect on children
« Reply #8 on: September 20, 2021, 12:06:06 PM »
Age 4? Wow.
I think that DD started questioning Dad's behaviors when she became more emotionally mature than him.
Now I’m wondering if she questioned sooner and I smoothed over. I was deep in the FOG then.
I’ve cried a thousand rivers. And now I’m swimming for the shore” (adapted from I’ll be there for you)

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escapingman

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Re: Dealing with effect on children
« Reply #9 on: September 21, 2021, 07:56:17 AM »
It's the effect on the children that has been the final straw for me. I warned her over and over to not back chat me to the children, but she just can't help herself. Golden child is lapping up her words and believe it all, or at least acts like she does. It really is sole destroying to hear her moaning to the kids about how lazy, useless, fat, selfish, mean and any other made up story. She can just make up anything and present it as my opinion, GC believes it and think I am so mean for what I am suppose to have done.

If I don't leave now I am at serious risk of not only destroying my future relation with the kids, but for them to be broken too.

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Gettintired76

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Re: Dealing with effect on children
« Reply #10 on: September 21, 2021, 02:08:40 PM »
Escaping you just told my story

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Lauren17

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Re: Dealing with effect on children
« Reply #11 on: September 24, 2021, 12:29:17 PM »
Wanted to share something that I’m slowly learning.
We cannot completely eliminate the effects of our partners on our kids.
First, I thought I should stay to shield them.
Then, I thought I should go and try for full custody.
Now, I’m thinking one heathy home is the best I can do.
I can only give them one stable, loving home and the tools needed to cope. It’s not a happy truth. But I’m trying the radical acceptance approach.
I’ve cried a thousand rivers. And now I’m swimming for the shore” (adapted from I’ll be there for you)

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Boat Babe

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Re: Dealing with effect on children
« Reply #12 on: September 24, 2021, 01:15:43 PM »
I have been that child and it sucks. Better by far to remove children from a toxic family environment than remain in it.  ALL the research points to this.
It gets better. It has to.

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Lauren17

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Re: Dealing with effect on children
« Reply #13 on: September 25, 2021, 01:48:16 PM »
BB, I am so very sorry you had to go through that.
You say the research points to it being better to remove a child from a toxic environment. But for many of us, custody laws state the child spend 50% of their time with each parent. That’s the hard part to face , IMO.
I’ve cried a thousand rivers. And now I’m swimming for the shore” (adapted from I’ll be there for you)

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1footouttadefog

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Re: Dealing with effect on children
« Reply #14 on: September 25, 2021, 07:17:02 PM »
It's not a one size fits all scenario.

I watched a friend got through H, trying to make it work. Then her H beat her up and put her in the hospital.  In our state his doing so with a minor present meant to assault charges. 

Despite this and his extreme alcoholism, she ended up with a 50/50.  The custody case took All day be aise his wealthy parents hired lawyers, brought in doctors etc as witnesses to discuss her medical issues over the past years like ovary problems ans such, it was a dark comedy.  The jedge ended up by saying there is no way I can in good conscience give this man custody or Un supervised visotation. The next day the jedge gave 50/50 custody.  The man ended up talking his kid into quitting school and working full time at a restaurant sayi ghe could home school the next year to graduate in time etc etc.  As soon as he was driving the father pressured him to buy a truck instead of a green  low gas miles car that he wanted because the dad wanted to be able to use his boat. 

I feared my kids would be in a similar situation if I divorced.  I used the tools and have lived like a single woman with an extra kid who will never grow up. 

Now the kids are almost grown, and my pdh is starting into dementia.  I am biding time. Was going to place him in assisted living for a while after a mental health breakdown a few weeks back. It was not possible so I made more adjustments to bring him home. Fortunately he is stabilized.  We no longer live as roommates but almost as neighbors. He comes to dinner most nights and out to eat most of the times we do. I take him to town to run errands a couple times a week.

The kids are more relaxed not having him in our space all the time. 

Do what works for your family, but optimize for everyone yourself included if possible.

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Gettintired76

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Re: Dealing with effect on children
« Reply #15 on: September 25, 2021, 10:50:53 PM »
I agree unfortunately, the custody laws(especially toward fathers sadly) make it impossible to go completely no contact, my ex has full custody of our children and has had the courts in her state convinced I’m an abuser and deadbeat, I couldn’t even get anything done with kids when she was hospitalized fon suicide watch without her present ??? How that was going to happen I’m not quite sure.

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Gettintired76

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Re: Dealing with effect on children
« Reply #16 on: September 29, 2021, 06:44:38 PM »
I just find out that my ex is wanting to bring her sister, brother-in-law, and niece into the house. She is currently living in a two bedroom very small trailer, where there will be absolutely no room for anyone to do anything, but that is not the worst of it, her brother-in-law and sister are heavily and I mean heavily into drugs ( police issues and evictions and all because of it.) also my oldest daughter has already come forward once and accused the brother-in-law of abuse ( given what she could say {she’s autistic} I would say sexual in nature). At that time no one but me and my fam would believe her, even CPS turned their back on her. Anyway I do not want that around my children, but without custody what can I do?

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Gettintired76

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Re: Dealing with effect on children
« Reply #17 on: September 29, 2021, 09:59:50 PM »
A P.S. to the earlier post, when my daughter came out about her uncle around that same time an “acquaintance” of his confronted him that their daughter also claimed he abused them. My daughter’s case was written off as that I coached her for whatever reasons, and the acquaintance’s was written off as his (the uncle’s) ex wife trying to get back at him for whatever.

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hhaw

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Re: Dealing with effect on children
« Reply #18 on: September 29, 2021, 11:58:33 PM »
G86:
Sometimes how we tell a story is as important as the story itself, ime

If we speak with expectation for what the listener must do, think it feel.... we're sometimes dismissed or punished, even.

That's a very sad commentary on our justice and social services....law enforcement....bc they're failing the most vulnerable members of society they've sworn to protect and get paid to protect.

Something else help me explain troubling stories about PDs is dropping all judgment when speaking about the PD....in this case your ex wife.  If you can speak about them with compassion you'll be viewed as level, logical and more truthful, bc you won't sound vengeful, ime. 

It's difficult to remain calm, give very short versions of the facts we can prove AND resist just doing while completely dropping expectation when speaking about our children's safety, but I'm here to tell you......
it's really important to practice and learn how.

I'm not assuming you can't or don't do these things, but you wondered why you'd be dismissed  and assumed you're lying in order to strike out at your ex.

The above might be part of the reason.

Listeners, esp jaded, bitter and overwhelmed Judges, case workers, cops and attorneys, don't want anyone telling them what they MUST do, think and feel.....and some of them aren't very stable people themselves, ime.  They assume everyone lies and we often harm our ability to appear credible, bc....knowing our children are being harmed actually unhinges us. 

Write it all out, your entire set of facts, read it write it read it write again till you find your center and can calmly speak without being triggered.....and pD's know how to trigger us.  Internalize your facts, your mission and find a reminder to bring you back from the ledge....like a bracelet you touch when you sense your voice rising, speaking too fast, saying too much, etc. 

Think about how you'd speak to a small child....or skittish bird.  Keep going back to that....simple, shirt,ready to understand. 

Judges also like children to have their own bedrooms and consistent routines. 

You might pull all your evidence and facts together, find a good child therapist or licensed clinical social worker to advocate for your child and present the strongest evidence, along with the other family claiming abuse...in a calm, patient manner giving only the hamburger if facts are a burger with bun, condiments and veggies.  Keep it simple, short and tailored to what you can prove, ime.

Organize your evidence.  Maybe neighbors see things or know things.

I find good people sometimes stand up and do the right thing,even if they don't have to, bc they're decent human beings.

Do what you can and remember to breathe.

Good luck,






hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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Gettintired76

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Re: Dealing with effect on children
« Reply #19 on: September 30, 2021, 12:40:03 AM »
I wasn’t wondering why I was “dismissed” it was not me who was dismissed it was my child and the other little girl. I was simply trying to get some advice on what to do about  my ex moving “ him” into her house.