PD sib always seems present, in spite of LC

[LemonLime]

Hi All,
First, thanks so much for this forum.  I come here when I need strength and it never fails me.
I've been LC with sib for 3 years since her last rage, aimed specifically at me for what she felt was an inequity about cleaning dishes during a vacation.   My parents witnessed the rage and "get it" in terms of my new boundaries for sib, and understand why I have downgraded our relationship to "cordial".   They do not pressure me to see sib.   BUT, they continue to not impose any consequences on sib, and as far as any outsider would be able to see, things are hunky-dory with sibling and there is absolutely nothing to see here!
My extended family is in town and staying with me along with enmeshed/enabling parents.   It's difficult to hear parents crowing about sib and her latest adventures, and making plans to see sib (who lives far from all of us).   The relatives have visited sib in her far-away-super-cool-home, where sib hosts like a pro and makes everyone feel super-special.  The relatives actually have called me after spending time at her place to tell me what a cool sib I have and how wonderful a time they had, and how they're going to plan the next family reunion at sib's place.  It is all I can do to get through those phone calls and not cry or scream.
This just devastates me.   I feel so singled-out.   I feel that I can't tell any extended family what has gone on with sib for fear they will not believe me, or worse sib will start (if she's hasn't already) telling them lies about why we aren't talking anymore.
The relatives don't know yet that there is LC, and I feel like a hostage who is afraid to speak and tell my truth for fear of starting a war with sib and losing that war.  Who knows what she might do?   
Parents are willing to "overlook her quirks", as she has raged at all of us.  Most recently I'm the target and apparently I'm the only one who has developed boundaries. 
I know my boundaries are right.  But I feel so lonely.
Also sib called yesterday to Facetime with my teenage daughter.  I heard them talking and went for a long walk to avoid having to talk with her.

I feel so angry and violated.  I hate that she can talk with my kids.  I hate that everyone loves her and that she so carefully hides her PD traits from them.  I hate that she manages to stay married.   I hate that if I tell my truth I risk becoming more of a target and losing love from my extended family, who I adore.
I feel like sib holds all the cards.   She likely knows I won't "sing" because I suppose those who have a PD instinctively know the ramifications for their targets if the target tells their story.
This is so creepy to me.  It's sort of like a horror story in a way, emotional blackmail or something.   The movies "Fatal Attraction" and "The Hand That Rocks the Cradle" come to mind, in terms of someone being able to control someone else without lifting a finger.
Thanks for listening.  I'm just so sad this is happening to me.

I try to remind myself of this: 

Why do my parents "get along" with sib and welcome her in their home?   Because they are willing to have no healthy boundaries and they are willing to "forget" and not mention sib's rages.

Why do all my other relatives "get along" with sib?   Because sib is very very clever and NEVER has a rage in front of anyone except her immediate FOO and her husband.   So the relatives don't know that side of her.  And anything I tell them will be "she said/she said" and my sib knows this will not play in my favor and that I'm too scared to do it.   She also probably has a whole bunch of tools such as lies and deflection that she can pull out if needed to defend herself.   She has tools that I don't (and won't use).

So I am the only one who sees her AND rejects her behavior.   So apparently I WILL be punished for that.

[Boat Babe]

She's a nasty piece of work. Sometimes they slip up. Hold your course with courage and integrity. Tell her NOTHING.

And look after yourself ❤️

[Call Me Cordelia]

That's really hard. EVERYONE loves sib, so the problem must be you!  That's not stated, but it seems like the narrative underlying these dynamics.

I haven't read a lot of your backstory, or I'm not remembering right now. You write that your parents "get it" and don't pressure you. That's actually huge. Do you think they would be receptive to chilling out some of the crowing about sib, at least in your presence? In my opinion, that would simply be considerate knowing it's a tense relationship for you. You are not at the point where you need to never hear your sister's name again, but yeah. They may not have the ability to do that, but maybe.

Similarly with your daughter, how aware is she of the situation between you and her aunt? Would you like her to be? I think you did a good thing taking care of yourself during that Facetime call, but it sounds like you aren't okay that it's happening at all. And in my opinion you have good reason to feel uncomfortable having all these cheerful chats happen in your home! It's tough because you don't want to make your problem with your sister become other people's problem, but at the same time your feelings are important and take precedence, especially when you are in your own home, as is the case with both the relatives and parents staying with you and your daughter talking to your sibling on Facetime. Are there boundaries you could set as to what you are and are not okay with in those situations?

Your sister is going to respond how she responds Your relatives are going to respond how they respond. They are going to have their own relationship with sib that is separate from your own. It's going to be difficult keeping all this stuff separate with what seems like a possibly enmeshed family. You don't have to badmouth your sibling or throw her under the bus, but you can keep it classy while still asking for what you need in your own relationships and taking care of yourself. Sometimes it does make other relationships suffer, but that doesn't mean it's your fault or that it's better to just accept behavior that is hurting you. Been there myself. It's tough!

[LemonLime]

Thank you, friends.   BoatBabe, you are right.  She IS a nasty piece of work.  And if I can consistently remember that, life will become simpler and better for me.

Cordelia, you pose many excellent questions, all of which I am considering today, and will journal on tonight.  These are questions that ask me to dig deep and the answers I create will help guide my future behavior around these issues.   Thank you both from the bottom of my heart.

[guitarman]

I'm so sorry to hear all that you are going through with your sister and family.

I know how difficult it is to cope with. You can't change anyone else's behaviour you can only change and control your own. How your parents behave is up to them.

You can only honour your truth by staying calm and by not being drawn into all the dramas. You do not have to JADE that is justify, argue, defend or explain yourself. You know why you have little contact with your sibling. You do not have to accept abuse. You are stronger than other people. Maybe they will change in time.

When asked why you do not much contact with your sister you could calmly say that you don't tolerate any abuse. If others try to get you to explain more just calmly keep repeating that.

Abusers are all about power and control. Once we learn that we can see all the behaviours for what they really are and realise that we don't have to be part of that any more. You have firm boundaries. You will not tolerate any abuse. Others will learn from your example.

You may get angry and upset that other members of your family are still in the FOG. They are afraid of the consequences of setting firm boundaries. They are afraid of the narcissistic rage and the devalue and discard. They are on another path. You are on the straight path of recovery and won't deviate from that. So well done. It maybe lonely at times but it is a much more peaceful existence.

My uBPD/NPD sister can be extremely loving and kind at times but also vicious and spiteful. She has alienated everyone in our family by her behaviour. She had to justify her actions by rewriting history, making false allegations and starting smear campaigns. She can be very dangerous as she is a great actor with strangers who don't know what she is really like and believe her stories of being a victim when in fact she is the abuser.

I no longer want anything more to do with her. To me she is just someone that I used to know. I calmly honour my truth. I've reached my limit. I will not be abused.

I practice regular Mindfulness meditations. That has really helped me to remain calm no matter what happens.

Observe don't absorb.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Be safe.

[LemonLime]

Thank you Guitarman.   I know you understand;  I have followed the story of your sister closely for a few years now.  Yours may possibly be more decompensated than mine, but they share many similar traits and tactics.

Thank you for your kind words to me.  I really needed to hear this morning that I am strong and on the right path.  Although I know that most of the time, I seem to sort of forget sometimes.   When I can embrace my strength I feel so darn powerful and brave.   In fact, your post helped me see what it is that really energizes me......I want to be THE CHANGE in this family.   I want to make a HUGE change in how our family "does its thing".    I want to be the first one to speak the truth.  To be willing to see the truth and to do something about what I see.

I'm working on not having annoyance and disdain for those who see the truth but refuse to do anything about the truth.   As you say, they are on their own path.   I will respect that.

In a strange way my sister has allowed me to see my purpose in life.   That purpose is to be a TruthTeller.

Thank you so much.