Them ole codependency blues

[Boat Babe]

Recent codependent behaviour on my part a few days ago has got me down. It wasn't anything mind-blowingly dramatic but I briefly made a fool of myself in my own eyes. And it's linked to all the old stuff.

@#+**#_+)_$@@# I am fed up with being damaged, I am fed up with my broken bits that always end in tears, I just want to feel whole. Is that too much to ask for?

Are there people on the forum who feel truly healed?

[Hattie]

Well, no.... but I do get the thing of falling back into old habits.

Back on the horse! The fact you fell off the wagon does imply you were ON the wagon to start with, and that is progress

[Boat Babe]

Thanks Hattie 😊

[Andeza]

Some days yes, others most definitely no. I just have to remind myself to give me as much slack as I would give others, and as much as they are likely giving to me already. Crap happens. We have our moments. The important thing is that we treat each moment as a learning experience. Say to ourselves okay why did I do that? What triggered that particular response? Identify it. Investigate the source of it. Try to create a marker in our minds that goes ding ding or waves a little red reminder flag the next time a similar or even identical situation arises. That way we can begin to work toward changing our behavior so we preferably don't do it again. And if we do, rinse and repeat. I've found nothing good was ever accomplished by beating myself up over it.

As for feeling whole. I know what makes me feel whole. I don't think it would be the same in your case as I think it's different for each of us. How you find it... I'm honestly not sure.

Be as kind to yourself as you are to others.

[notrightinthehead]

Boat Babe,  old habits die slowly.  I think it might be more helpful if instead of being  cross or disappointed with yourself  you were to embrace yourself with love, kindness, and acceptance now. So you behaved in a co-dependent manner. So what? You became aware of that and you gave yourself a choice. You could have continued in your old manner or you could stop. It seems to me that you decided to stop.  Perfect! Well done!
Now is the time to find out what triggered you to go back into the old routine. Then mother yourself and help yourself heal.

[MarlenaEve]

Boat Babe,

No i'm not recovered from codependency. I think this is a helluva goal to have. It takes an incredible amount of energy to recognize how codependency plays out in our lives.

I remember a talk that Ross Rosenberg gave on 'healing codependency' and he said, all his clients go through brutal stages of recovery where they are tested and tried regarding their codependency issues. So in regards to your post, I think recognizing you are falling yet again in these old patterns is a huge success. Being conscious of our unconscious traits is a step to healing. That's how I see it anyway.

[blacksheep7]

Boat Babe,

Gosh no!  It's so easy to fall back into what was so familiar for years.   

The good news is that you had awareness about it.  Don't be hard on yourself for taking one step backwards, no one is perfect ime.  Forgive yourself.
So leave it be and move on to other things that make you happy.   

[Boat Babe]

Boat Babe,

No i'm not recovered from codependency. I think this is a helluva goal to have. It takes an incredible amount of energy to recognize how codependency plays out in our lives.

I remember a talk that Ross Rosenberg gave on 'healing codependency' and he said, all his clients go through brutal stages of recovery where they are tested and tried regarding their codependency issues. So in regards to your post, I think recognizing you are falling yet again in these old patterns is a huge success. Being conscious of our unconscious traits is a step to healing. That's how I see it anyway.

Brutal stages of recovery.  That covers it!!!!

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I don't remember who gave me this tip.  A therapist?  Figure out how you want to feel about yourself, then try it on, right here and now without making any changes. Even if you've never felt that way before in your life.   I've found it surprising how I can sometimes claim it just by doing that.  Of course it takes repeated practice to start quieting those old tapes more.  Mine would probably be "good enough."

Something like "Okay, you made a mistake and you felt some shame and someone took advantage of you and you criticized yourself.  That's okay!  Really!  That's perfectly okay!  People sometimes do that.  That doesn't take away *one bit* from your being good enough.  You are good enough right now, this very minute, right in the middle of the shame and self-criticism  . . .  you always were good enough and you always will be.  And anyone who tells you otherwise is either lying or they don't know what they're talking about.  Because you don't have to change *one thing* to be good enough.  You already are."

This was good to remember.  Maybe I'll start using it again!  Good luck to you, Boat Babe.  I have always appreciated you!

[1footouttadefog]

Healing is a path.  Even if you stop and rest before progressing further occasionally you have still made it to where you are from where you were.

Just don't turn back.

Stay strong and be kind to yourself.  Allow mistakes and falling back on old habits and coping mechanisms as you being human.