Remind me why

[square]

... I shouldn't just reply to every single angry complaint from H about having to mow the lawn or take out the trash or go to work - complaints that are aimed squarely at me, that are explicitly my fault, that any other husband would never have to take on these really unfair burdens - by saying "if you left, you'd never have to mow/take out the trash/work/whatever again."

Why shouldn't I?

[11JB68]

Well he'd have to work.... Maybe...
My Updh doesn't really do any of those things at least not consistently. It's like he's too special.

[square]

I've never really understood his logic. He says if it wasn't for me, he wouldn't have to work. I support myself but he still sees it as him working to support me. And I guess he doesn't need any money. Just selfish, gold-digging me.

So if he left, he could either con some woman into taking care of him, or he'd end up having to work but that would still be my fault because I ruined everything. But at least he could hate me from another location.

Another fantasy I have is that he arranges with MIL to move into her vacation condo. If he did that he would probably quit work, live a year off his half of our savings, and... I dunno. But Not My Problem.

Btw, I used to be the sole breadwinner before I became too disabled to work. I guess I screwed him by progressing in my disability. The one I had when I met him. The one we both knew would progress.

During this time, he told me, and I quote, "every hour you work you are stealing from the family." Referring to my job that provided our sole income. That's worthy of the Batshit thread.

[square]

Oh, and in case you thought he was doing this stuff with regularity.

The trash is a disaster. It got so bad I hired a company to do it (I can't drive so I can't do it). They did it for 1.5 years until they stopped. Our lication is inconvenient. Now we are constantly having trash problems again.

Mowing the lawn, he struggled to do a complete mow three times s year. The back yard is so overgrown it's literally destroyed. There are young trees growing and he hasn't bothered to cut them. My bed of irises is destroyed, hostas gone, lilies gone, all overrun by weeds. There is a huge rock feature that cannot be mowed and it is overrun. The cost to hire this cleaned up will likely be $2000. For a 1/10 acre property. It used to be just fine back when he mowed it. But he feels like it's too much to ask.

Work, yeah, he kept his job a few years now. But if he ever accrues a single day off, he'll take it. Just wake up and call in. If he gets ill he'll have no time off. Vacation? Ha. Does he get use of his day with either productivity or actual relaxation? Nope, just another day slept away then anither night on the computer.

Today he woke up at 3:20 and, unusually, came to talk to me. Why? "I didn't shave my head last night. Should I call out?"

I gave an MC chuckle at this not funny question and tried to change the subject. He persisted. "You're... serious?" "Kinda." (Yes.)

He likes to ask me if he should call out, and the readons are always absurd. "I think I might be coming down with something." Um, if you're sick, call out. If you THINK you MIGHT be COMING DOWN with something, maybe wait snd see? To call out when you THINK you MIGHT have a tickle in the throat?

But the thing that makes me really angry is he insists that I DECIDE. HELL NO.  Guaranteed fight. Because what he is doing is trying to get me to GIVE PERMISSION to call out.

But by refusing to decide, it's the same, in his mind, as me saying NO YOU HAVE TO GO TO WORK BECAUSE I WANT MORE MORE MORE MONEY.

I can''t express to you how low maintenance I am financially. I am wearingbthe same 12 pack of white crew socks I bought in 2012. I buy no clothes - MIL's hand me downs (including bathing suits) and my mom's Christmas gifts. But he says I'm a GOLD DIGGER. Because I am no longer sble to support him financially, just me and DD.

I am so sick of this. I sm soooooooo freaking sick of this insanity.

I make $1,370 a month. I know people survive on that but I don't know how. The people I know who do live in Section 8 housing with violence and drugs and holes in the floor going into the basement. I don't know how to stay safe if I can't hear or see.

And I really can't work, this is not because I'm lazy, I worked long after people said it was crazy. I can't even do simple stuff like updating websites anymore.

[notrightinthehead]

It's so hard not to let this constant berating of oneself get to you.  Really really hard. He is in your mind and in your mind you defend yourself against his unjust accusations. I found it impossible to create an armour against his hurtful depiction of me while still exposed to it daily. It helped a little to counterbalance it by listening to positive assertions  that I found easily on Youtube. And I used thought stop techniques,  every time my mind wandered to him and what he thought, said, felt about me - I forced myself to think about something else.  A project or a plot from a TV series. Friends was my favourite at one time. I hope you find some sort of refuge where you can lick your wounds. Sending you a big hug.

[square]

Thank ypu. Yeah, his voice is in my head. I've mostly shut it up but not resolved it. Like, it doesn't talk as much but I know what it thinks. Shutting it up just pushes it off rather than changing its mind.

[losingmyself]

I'm sorry, Square. While I can't put myself in your shoes, I understand some of the bs that H spits out. Yesterday, it was " I give and give and give, all for nothing" While we went home, and he plopped on the couch, I mowed the lawn, ran clothes, did the dishes, then had the audacity to feed the King leftovers.
It just eats away at you.
I hope you can find some peace, rest, and your people who can lift you up a little.

[Boat Babe]

Oh square, how debilitating for you. You ask "Remind me why?". I can't answer that sweetheart but I can say that this is no way to live and that life can be brutally short. Sending love.

[sad_dog_mommy]

I found that my exBPDbf would say passively aggressive things in an attempt to get me to respond.  It is like they are baiting you or challenging you to defend yourself.   I fell into that trap soooo many times and it never ended well.  I remember many circular conversations that were exhausting.    Find a way to ignore those side swipe comments and you will save yourself from the stress.

I heard an expression that seems to fit this kind of situation.   Don't get into the mud with pigs or you will end up getting dirty.   

You are not alone.    Stay strong. 

[SonofThunder]

Hi Square,

My answer to your thread question, is that it may make you feel better to respond that way, but you have stated before that he would never leave.  The other part of my response to your question is any response to bait-complaints is JADE, which leads to circular arguments. 

So, maybe take that thought and flip the opposite back to yourself: "If he left, i would have to always mow/take out the trash/work." But then I asked myself regarding Square;  is that actually true? 

Doesn't Square have a teenage DD who could mow and take out the trash if Square lived alone with DD?  If Square was divorced, didn't she say that she would basically be in the same financial situation that she's in currently, because of the 50/50 split of assets and she would retain 100% of her income?

1. Do you currently benefit from your husband in some way (financial, physical/practical), regarding your disability?   

2. If your disability progresses, will your husband be an asset or liability to you in living with that progression?

SoT

[square]

Correct, H would never leave. Ever.

I am just so sick of MC and just taking it on the chin. Sick of being a non person. Sick of having to stuff everything down and just be placid about the LOONEY TUNES stuff going on. Sick of living in a dump I have no control over because I don't have the energy to clean up after a total slob. And I can't recharge in a dump, either.

If H disappeared today, I'd have to figure oit the trash until next year when DD can drive, then we can do it together. In fact, we have to do it even with H still here; the situation in bad.

The lawn, DD is not going to be able to do it. She has bad asthma. And the lawn is small but so steep a mower cannot be used. H weedwhacks the whole thing. So it's a good amount of work, he used to do it but now he doesn't. I'll have to hire it done mext year anyway, the situation is untenable.

Financially, my income supports my portion. If H magically left, the cost of heating, electricity, Internet, mortgage would be the same. DD will need a car and they don't cost half as much when you're divorced. Until DD has a car and license, groceries will cost more, to have delivered. H leaving doesn't mean costs go down.

If I leave, I'll have to come up with rent and everything myself.

Additionally, H will likely lose the house because he will have the same problem as me. And DD has asked for years if she will some day get the house, she is very attached to it.

We have sime savings from years ago before everything went bad, but our income is tiny and there is no chance of either of us raising it.

[SonofThunder]

Square, thank you for taking the time and energy to answer my questions. Im sorry things are so difficult right now.  I fully understand the financial situation you describe. 

With regard to your DD wanting a house to stay in the family; my kids also said that in their teens and ive moved twice since 😏 Necessity and reality made those those decisions for me, regardless of their feelings.  My adult children now each have own residences and it is forgotten.  When your DD has a license that may end up being a nice asset for you as well.  Again thanks for taking the time to respond.

SoT

[square]

No, thank YOU SOT.

I just feel like I'm leaking everywhere.

I know how I sound, just writing too much and obssessively. And prolly a lot of I've tried nothing and nothing works

I am just overflowing lately

[losingmyself]

I was thinking the same thing as SOT. It's great that DD loves the house, but you have to do what you have to do.
My brain is just screaming that you need to move into a smaller, more efficient place for you.
I know that I don't think that I would have the courage, but maybe say "I can't stay in this place any longer, and we can't keep it up, so we need to find someplace smaller. I'm moving, come with me if you want, your choice." I know that is easier said than done, given finances and abilities, it's just my 2 cents worth.
I hope you find some answers. Wish I had some.
Sending prayers to you..

[square]

Thanks. I can't afford anything else. Our place is as small and cheap as it gets. I'll pay off the mortgage in 7 years. A cheap rental would cost more, and no equity - being mortgage free in 7 years can't come soon enough. I'd have to give H half the proceeds if we sell and then pay higher rent or mirtgage without his contribution.. It's just not an easy solution.

This house would be spic and span if H wasn't here. I'd have to hire the lawn, though, it's true. If I spent a big chunk to fix the years of neglect I could afterwards get away with five mowings a year, so maybe $500 a year.