How I cope with regret

  • 4 Replies
  • 337 Views
*

socalgal

  • New Member
  • *
  • 8
How I cope with regret
« on: September 02, 2021, 03:34:31 PM »
So Iím a month out from our separation, and itís been hard. We are still working on a schedule, and in the meantime he is not seeing his son much at all. We agreed on 70/30, but while our arrangement is fluid he has been only handling 1 1/2 days a week before he comes up with whatever excuse to bring him back to me. And I canít say no because I donít want my ex to be over-extended since it inflames his depression and anger.

It feels lonely living in my own place again. Even with my son in the next room. A lot of times I wonder if Iíve made the right decision. I recorded some of our arguments while we were together, and during those moments where I feel like I maybe could have tried harder and compromised more to make it work, I listen to parts of them again to remind me that we were just not tenable as a couple. Gotta stay strong. Thanks for listening.

*

Boat Babe

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1039
  • To survive is necessary. To thrive is elegant.
Re: How I cope with regret
« Reply #1 on: September 02, 2021, 04:57:47 PM »
The first months out are very hard, no doubt about it. Two things to bear in mind. You will move through and past this stage of grief, self doubt and fragility. It doesn't last forever and you can support the process by getting lots of sleep, healthy food and exercise. The second thing is, this painful time is, more than likely, less painful than living with your ex.

So, you're winning. It just doesn't feel like it. Yet.

Talk to us, loads.
It gets better. It has to.

*

clara

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 949
Re: How I cope with regret
« Reply #2 on: September 03, 2021, 11:51:41 AM »
 :yeahthat:  I dealt with doubts and regrets by reminding myself, over and over and over, that being without him, regardless of all the issues, was still better than being with him.  Things may have been bad, but they weren't made worse by him being in the same room.

And he always made things worse.  Always.  The sugar coating he tried to pour over all of his bad behavior finally dissolved until just the bad behavior remained.  Without him there to keep pouring on the sugar, it was easier to see the truth.  I was lonely and miserable and unhappy, but those were now MY issues and I learned I could deal with my issues without his being added to the mix.  Because I was also lonely and miserable and unhappy all those years I was with him, but I had no good understanding of why.  Without him there to gaslight me and pull out all his NPD bag of tricks, the fog slowly lifted. 

I could second-guess myself and fill myself with doubts, but the core of rightness of my decision remained strong simply because it was right.  And I finally allowed myself the possibility of being right, for a change!

*

Simon

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 139
  • Enjoy Life!
Re: How I cope with regret
« Reply #3 on: September 03, 2021, 02:28:54 PM »
So, you're winning. It just doesn't feel like it. Yet.
That's a great line.
It's the sort of thing we don't know until we no longer need to know it (if you know what I mean?  ;D )

*

JustKeepTrying

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 264
Re: How I cope with regret
« Reply #4 on: September 30, 2021, 02:33:23 AM »
Congratulations on making it this far!  That is a huge accomplishment and you should be proud of all that you have done!

In addition to your tapes, journal.  Write letters to him.  Write daily about all those thoughts and feelings in a verbal dump every day.  It will help cleanse your mind and emotions.  Don't edit while you write.  You will be surprised at how much it helps.

The writing of letters to him helped me as well.  Of course, I didn't send them, I just them in a folder on my laptop and when I was tempted or lonely, I went back and reminded myself of how it was.  I know the tapes are doing that for you but I imagine there was far more in the relationship than your tapes.

I recently read a book called Midnight LIbrary by Matt Haig.  Its fiction and all about regret.  It may help.