Inner child work

[Pepin]

For what it is worth...I'll put this out there.  Sometimes I get really overwhelmed with the inner child work that I have finally been able to delve into.  It has taken decades to get to this place; I just couldn't understand what it required.  While there have been many eye opening moments -- some bring relief and other moments bring a real heaviness.  This heaviness almost seems to feel worse than the abuse I went through.  I know this is normal to an extent and that I have to keep asking further questions until I get to the root.  Lately I have just been wanting to cry over anything.  I am so completely exhausted with inner child work -- always thinking about things.  Every single day there is one thing that requires my attention that I have to work through.  And while it seemed like there wasn't a massive pile to work through, now I see it as never ending.  One thing inevitably leads to another until I can finally close the door on it.  The doors just keep coming!  I'm wondering if I have decades of this work to do since I was unable to resolve much in the last few decades?  Some of this was partly due to there not being trauma therapists or therapists informed in trauma or personality disorders.  Now there is a wealth of information across many platforms and absorbing and applying it has been a challenge to keep up with.  This has been extremely hard for me - many changes going on in my personal life coupled with me digging deep into areas of my life that most my age have moved on from.  I've had to go as far back as being 2 years old as that is my earliest memory.  I just want to get through this so I know what it feels like to be alive and free.  I am utterly devastated by some of the connections I have made...my poor younger self just didn't deserve what she went through and it was worse than I had been telling myself.  Anyone else?   

[Boat Babe]

We hear you Pepin. Reading people's stories here, I have been amazed that they are still sane and capable of love. The human spirit is an astonishing thing

Today, I sit with you and hold your hand. I witness your suffering. I acknowledge how hard it is for you. I admire your courage and determination. I hold your heart close to mine.

[guitarman]

I have learnt that my inner child wants to protect me from any more harm and abuse.

When the inner child takes over one counsellor I follow online recommends saying "Thank you for your input but you are not in charge of me. I am the adult now and I am in charge of you and will take care of you". That way you become aware that your inner child is not running the show. I hadn't thought about it all like that before.

They also recommend doing mirror work where you greet yourself in the mirror and say nice things to yourself. For example you congratulate yourself and give yourself permission to have a good day. That way over time you change the negative thoughts and thinking.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Be safe.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I hear you, too. For a time I was in therapy and then EMDR. I felt drained much of the time. Not the same kind of drained as fight-or-flight acute trauma, but I was still recovering from that and also putting the pieces together and understanding the reality of my life and childhood and how I ended up where I was. It was necessary, but exhausting. I felt that all I did was the bare minimum for the obligations of my life, and the rest went to recovery work. And I did feel guilty and overwhelmed by that often.

I was in a place where I really had to deal with the trauma of going NC and adjusting to that new reality, because it had hijacked my functioning, but once I got to a point where I was not so preoccupied with all of it, I slowed way down. I went back to therapy but only on a short-term basis. Now I only do inner child work in dribs and drabs, usually when some particular trigger comes up that I wasn't previously aware of, or else hadn't actually finished with.

There really isn't a "finish line" with this kind of work. So in some sense you are right, you do have decades to go, God willing. But it also is true that if there is no finish line then you can take as long as you need to to deal with each part of your life, or to get around to some box of photos, or whatever that work is looking like for you right now.

That heaviness you describe sounds like grief, and I think for me just the grieving was the most difficult part of it. I think it was relatively easy to make the connections and gain insight, but the emotional part of things... oof. And MY emotions? I still don't always know what to do with those. I am much more comfortable with the cerebral side of things. So inner child work is hard. I did find it went better when I slowed down the journaling and analyzing and just took time to feel my feelings and allow compassion for myself in between those sessions. Even just doing something nice for myself really did go a long way. Like you would give a child a treat after needing a medical procedure and give her time to recover before expecting to her to get back to her chores and schoolwork, be kind to yourself in that same way. I also think I needed to give all those connections and insights the chance to sink in, where I could just be in peace and let my subconscious sort it all out. Which takes time. I didn't want to do that, I wanted to get through and get healthy as quickly as possible and just be normal already, because I'd already spent my whole life being affected by trauma. Taking a bubble bath after journaling felt like an enormous waste of time, I'd already spent so much time and money on recovery! Get on with it already! Really I was just trying to pull myself up by my bootstraps and rewire that brain so I could stop being defective. Which is a very counterproductive approach if I thought about it for about five seconds, but I kept falling back into that mindset. (Gee, sounds familiar. If only I complete this therapy, do this workbook, journaling, whatever, THEN I can be good enough.)

When I found myself getting overwhelmed by it all and frustrated, that was my cue to just slow way down and give myself processing time, and not do any more explicit trauma stuff until I felt calmer. We can only deal with so much at once.

It also occurs to me that your present life has ongoing stressors, which would make splitting your energies between childhood processing and current triggering stuff be extra difficult. Really like a double whammy when the childhood wounds are being irritated from both fronts, so to speak. It may be enough to delve current happenings for the connections to your childhood, at least at more stressful times.

[notrightinthehead]

I agree with the poster above, the heaviness sounds like grief.  I remember after one particularly painful therapy session my therapist asked me to take that sad little girl with me and keep her with me for a while, comforting her and loving her. Which I did. For several weeks I imagined to having that little girl with me, holding her hand, comforting her, saying nice things to her, a couple of times during the day. The deep sadness I felt took a long time to lift. But lift it did eventually.
If you feel so sad, you might have a lot to feel sad about. You are allowed to feel sad. You are also allowed to be kind to yourself and comfort yourself.  Give yourself loving and kind messages as much as possible. The mirror work described above did wonders for me.
Big hug Pepin!

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I'm sorry this is such a hard time for you.  No, you're not alone.

I think dealing with old, unhealed trauma is always difficult work, whether it's triggered by therapy or by some life circumstance or relationship dynamic.  It takes a lot of bravery.  I hope you can really take time to appreciate yourself for that.

I've done inner child work for decades.  The self-parenting stuff I do now almost always makes me feel better.  It takes into account "What do you need right now?" as much as any old stuff.  Sometimes she needs a nap, a break in what we're doing, or to be playful.  Sometimes she wants to do something fun, or needs reassurance and support if she's dealing with anger or hurt from trauma.

Young children stay very "in the moment."  When I'm really listening to that small child inside, it's the same.  She doesn't ruminate about things the way the "older me" can do.   She feels intensely, which can be very painful.  But, for her, things are more fluid and if I give her the support and space, she'll pop out of it much quicker than the adult me would.   She brings authenticity and freshness and connection with self and others to my life.

What a wonderful journey you're embarking on to spend time with your inner child.  I hope she can show you the lighter side soon, too.  Young children are naturals at that.