I left with my kids

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WaitingForSunshine

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I left with my kids
« on: September 04, 2021, 02:06:15 AM »
I posted about 7 weeks ago about leaving with small children. I was in an abusive (physical, verbal, emotional) relationship. Iíve been married to uBPD for 6 years, we have two kids (2 & 3). I was asking for advice here on how to leave, do I tell him, do I wait for a fight, how do I leave.
I had just hired an attorney and was started to work through the legal process. How to get a restraining order, what to file, timelines, etc. The lawyer and I had a loose agreement that I would leave in the next week and we would try to file for a DVTRO.
One late afternoon he was annoyed that I hadnít made dinner so he went out to get something. I had a bag packed of important documents already and I ran and grabbed it, grabbed my kids special blanket and stuffed animal, picked up my kids and ran to the car. My daughter only had a diaper on and my son had no shoes. I got them in the car and we left. I turned off my location sharing, blocked his number and went to a hotel. I told my lawyer I left, and she got ready to file my paperwork the next day.
He called, texted, emailed, emailed my family, I never looked or listened to any of it, still havenít.  The next day my lawyer filed for a DVTRO. At the time, I thought the issues were only between he and I, and I had requested he get 3 days (no overnights) visitation with the kids. The next day, the judge granted my DVTRO and also added no contact for him with the children. He had to leave our house the next day.
The kids and I came back 3 days later. I changed the locks, installed a security system and havenít heard anything from him.

As I started speaking again with my family and therapists, and getting the kids into therapy, Iíve been learning he was not the father I thought he was. What the judge saw in my declaration to stop contact between him and the kids was correct. Iíve also been learning by talking to my therapist that he was not the loving, loyal husband I thought he was.
Learning all this has broken me. I feel like the last 6 years of my life havenít been real. I donít know how to determine what is real and what isnít. Iím exhausted trying to take care of my 2 young children, get them into preschool (they were also isolated, had no friends or contact with anyone), take them to the Dr constantly bc since they started school they keep getting sick, getting my son to therapy 2x a week, myself to therapy 1x/week, talking with my lawyer, filing for divorce, cleaning the house, cooking dinner, making sure the kids have clean clothes and trying to keep my job.  My mom came for a few days to help, but my kids donít know her, they had met her 2 times for 1 day each previously. They viewed her as a stranger and cried for their ďreal momĒ when she would try and help them.

Through his attorney (heís on his second), he has asked 1 time to see the kids. His attorney has also said heís so consumed with seeing the kids, he canít think about anything else. If thatís true, then why arenít they proposing supervised visitation or anything? Itís been 4 weeks since they sent an email asking if I would reconsider visitation. Thatís the only thing theyíve asked.
I donít understand what heís doing or what heís planning. I literally donít know if heís planning to come after me, making up a way to strategize against me or is just planning on disappearing.
When I left, I wanted to immediately feel like I made the right choice. I donít. I feel overwhelmed, confused, sad, angry and I donít feel like a great mom. My kids lives have changed and Iím trying to help them, but it feels like everything fell apart and I caused it.
Thank you for reading. I know this is long.
« Last Edit: September 04, 2021, 02:11:08 AM by WaitingForSunshine »

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notrightinthehead

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Re: I left with my kids
« Reply #1 on: September 04, 2021, 04:19:54 AM »
Well done! Very brave. It will take a long while to feel better, prepare for flash-backs and regrets. You might also gaslight yourself and think it was not so bad, it was your fault. You might miss him desperately and want the man back you fell in love with...
You have a support system. Your kids will get to know your mom if you give them a chance. At the moment you are just keeping your head above water.  Slow down. Make time to have some relaxing, fun time. Be patient with yourself and your kids.
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

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WaitingForSunshine

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Re: I left with my kids
« Reply #2 on: September 04, 2021, 04:53:07 PM »
Thank you. I didnít even think of it as ďgaslighting myselfĒ but thatís exactly whatís happening.

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Poison Ivy

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Re: I left with my kids
« Reply #3 on: September 04, 2021, 05:46:18 PM »
Wow! You have done amazing things for yourself and your children. I understand the feelings of overwhelm, but I think they'll eventually go away, as you become more comfortable with the new circumstances. I really think you've saved at least three lives, yours and your children's.

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hhaw

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Re: I left with my kids
« Reply #4 on: September 05, 2021, 04:06:48 PM »
I posted about 7 weeks ago about leaving with small children. I was in an abusive (physical, verbal, emotional) relationship. Iíve been married to uBPD for 6 years, we have two kids (2 & 3). I was asking for advice here on how to leave, do I tell him, do I wait for a fight, how do I leave.
I had just hired an attorney and was started to work through the legal process. How to get a restraining order, what to file, timelines, etc. The lawyer and I had a loose agreement that I would leave in the next week and we would try to file for a DVTRO.
One late afternoon he was annoyed that I hadnít made dinner so he went out to get something. I had a bag packed of important documents already and I ran and grabbed it, grabbed my kids special blanket and stuffed animal, picked up my kids and ran to the car. My daughter only had a diaper on and my son had no shoes. I got them in the car and we left. I turned off my location sharing, blocked his number and went to a hotel. I told my lawyer I left, and she got ready to file my paperwork the next day.
He called, texted, emailed, emailed my family, I never looked or listened to any of it, still havenít.  The next day my lawyer filed for a DVTRO. At the time, I thought the issues were only between he and I, and I had requested he get 3 days (no overnights) visitation with the kids. The next day, the judge granted my DVTRO and also added no contact for him with the children. He had to leave our house the next day.
The kids and I came back 3 days later. I changed the locks, installed a security system and havenít heard anything from him.

As I started speaking again with my family and therapists, and getting the kids into therapy, Iíve been learning he was not the father I thought he was. What the judge saw in my declaration to stop contact between him and the kids was correct. Iíve also been learning by talking to my therapist that he was not the loving, loyal husband I thought he was.
Learning all this has broken me. I feel like the last 6 years of my life havenít been real. I donít know how to determine what is real and what isnít. Iím exhausted trying to take care of my 2 young children, get them into preschool (they were also isolated, had no friends or contact with anyone), take them to the Dr constantly bc since they started school they keep getting sick, getting my son to therapy 2x a week, myself to therapy 1x/week, talking with my lawyer, filing for divorce, cleaning the house, cooking dinner, making sure the kids have clean clothes and trying to keep my job.  My mom came for a few days to help, but my kids donít know her, they had met her 2 times for 1 day each previously. They viewed her as a stranger and cried for their ďreal momĒ when she would try and help them.

Through his attorney (heís on his second), he has asked 1 time to see the kids. His attorney has also said heís so consumed with seeing the kids, he canít think about anything else. If thatís true, then why arenít they proposing supervised visitation or anything? Itís been 4 weeks since they sent an email asking if I would reconsider visitation. Thatís the only thing theyíve asked.
I donít understand what heís doing or what heís planning. I literally donít know if heís planning to come after me, making up a way to strategize against me or is just planning on disappearing.
When I left, I wanted to immediately feel like I made the right choice. I donít. I feel overwhelmed, confused, sad, angry and I donít feel like a great mom. My kids lives have changed and Iím trying to help them, but it feels like everything fell apart and I caused it.
Thank you for reading. I know this is long.

Honestly, Waitingforshine, you've done so many things right...... I'm gobsmacked.

Just..... truly amazed at your strength and good decision making process.  Truly.

You have so many things going for you.....
the Judge UNDERSTANDS what you're reality is, HUGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your attorney seems to be competent and able to help the Judge understand your circumstances. HUGE!!!!!!!!!!!

You got out, before you filed, then asked the court for an order of protection and to have the PD removed from your personal space..... AND GOT IT.  Again...HUGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please focus on what you;ve done right and don't torment yourself over the choices leading up to the divorce.

You thought  you marrried someone else, bc the PD wanted you to SEE someone else... he pretended to be that person in order to marry you and start a family with you.  That's not your fault. ou  were honest and likely bending over backwards trying to make things work, till you couldn't.

The anxiety and stress you're feeling is due to your inability to just ACCEPT that reality and get on with what yu have to do.

Divorce a PD, the father of your 2 young children..... it's really really stressful and heartbreaking and yes.... you're giving up on the dream you had when you married him.  I know.... it's so very painful, but it's also the truth you need to accept.  Mourn it. Cry in the shower, sink into the despair, but get on with accepting the truth of it, bc it's not going to change, IME.

You'll be calmer, have access to your higher thinking brain and navigate this divorce better if you accept the truth....
you have to raise these little children while MITIGATING harm to them from their PD father.

What WILL visitation look like? The fact the PD hasn't set up suvervised visitation is a huge red flag the Judge won't miss.  If your stbx is anything like mine.... he won't want any visitation outside visitation INCLUDING YOU. He wants access TO YOU, to chane your mind, to threaten you, bully you, make false promises to give you an easy divorce... whatever he has to say to get you to sabotage yourself and weaken your divorce case.

IF YOU MAKE ANY NOISES like you doubt yourself or the divorce you filed..... the court will dismiss your as someone who really wants that divorce and needs protection.

DO NOT ALLOW THE PD to have any access to you, at all.  Make sure he seeks out proper supervision.... have people who would be good at that in mind OR require he go through a supervions company who will document everything FOR YOU.

Anyone who supervises should be unafraid of the PD, be brave and capable of documenting and testifying in court calmly.

Choose those you will trust and depend on carefully.  DO NOT TRY TO gain understanding from people who don't get it. Just let them go, with acceptance and undetstanding, and don'y try to explain or get them to understand.

Lean on your support group to help you make a good plan and STICK with it. 

Maybe have another man supervise the PD, but you need to keep the PD's words, physical presense and voice OUT of your head. 

Find a good trauma informed T, with Buddhist leanings, and learn how to calm yourself, become aware of your distress before it spirals out of control or restore it if it does.

You have to raise little children so you're the ONE GOOD ENOUGH parent these guys have.

I wish I'd done things the way you did. I had 2 young children, expensive attorneys, but they didn't understand abuse and PDs..... they were ill equipped to help me navigate the situation.

You'e done so much as well as anyone could,. so please pat yourself on the back and build on that momentum, bc you're going to need it.

Ask for help.  Your kids will get to know your mother.... new routinnes are forming so make sure they're good routines you can easily live with.  Changing routine is really  hard, so make sure you don't have to do it over nad over again, is my advice to what I consider a very brave, very wise mother of little children who will benefit from their mother's learning how to put healthy boundaries in place with the STBX and enforce them consistently for her own good mental health and to teach the children who will be dealing with their PD father for a lifetime, worst case scenario.

Well done and you be kind to yourself.... pleaes WFS.

hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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2nice

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Re: I left with my kids
« Reply #5 on: October 01, 2021, 08:58:10 AM »
well done. omg this is flashbacks for me. i bundled kids into car with police escort to station. got intervention order. it was exhausting and i was in shock. and you have to keep giving to kids who are hurting. i counted the days away and celebrated them. any weakness i felt towards him i looked as a disease in my brain which sounds harsh but i needed to heal that bit. it is still hard interacting with him four yrs later when dropping kids but life is peaceful. you will adjust and create a new normal. blessings to u all