Waking up to Self-Neglect

Sapling · September 04, 2021, 03:55:29 AM

I've only really begun to understand the depth of codependency issues in my life in the last year or so, and one of the biggest realizations I've had lately is how much I've neglected myself (looking after my health, self-care, self-parenting etc) whilst focused on others and trying to fix relationships or get others to behave differently *sigh*

I am finding it hard now not to go into self-blame about it. My inner critic is using this stuff against me in a "how could you not look after yourself?!" tirade.

Does anyone else have experience with this sort of thing? I know, intellectually, that shouting at myself will not help me look after myself better. I have a T and just started a 12-step program and am working on my codependency issues, but am finding the issue of self-neglect overwhelming and confronting. I would like to correct this without going into self-attack.

Also how does one cope with the damage that cannot be reversed (in terms of neglecting health etc) ? I feel ashamed about this.

Andeza · September 04, 2021, 11:51:33 AM

So many of us were raised wrong, Sapling. We were trained to ignore ourselves in favor of abusive parents, or a long term relationship with a disordered individual caused us to do the same. The world to some degree pushes this same narrative of not doing for ourselves what is good and necessary, but rather living to excess in the wrong ways... How the heck are we supposed to know to do something if we were unaware that it needed doing in the first place? I hope you can put your shame in that light. It's not "all your fault." Which is probably what the voice in your head is telling you.

Tearing yourself down is not a resolution for the issue, but you probably already know that. Might I suggest every morning writing down one thing each day that you will do for yourself? Maybe it's sitting quietly with a cup of tea in a peaceful place, filing your nails, or even making that doctor appt. you've been putting off. Just one thing each day. Doesn't have to be world shattering, just has to be for your health, self care, or self-parenting.

Our inner critics tend to be destructive and harsh, but the point of the inner critic is supposed to be growth and improvement through constructive criticism. Instead of "It's all your fault!" it would sound more like "What are we going to differently?"

notrightinthehead · September 05, 2021, 02:54:25 AM

What I found the most devious about self neglect and Co-Dependency is, the auto pilot. By now I am really grateful when I become aware of the negative voice in my head. Then at least I can do something about it. So, well done Sapling for becoming aware!
My voice keeps on calling me inefficient and not working enough just about every day. Not, that this constant criticism and disgruntlement with myself would make me any more efficient. Now I try to consciously praise myself when I become aware of it. Just to balance it out a bit.

1footouttadefog · September 05, 2021, 12:02:07 PM

I. There with the self neglect thing also.

I went to buy a new bag in a department store the other day. Saw some nice garments in sale. Went to the fitting room. Mercy the lighting and the full length mirror told a bad story.

I am not going to sit and blame for it. I k ow why it happened. It is what it is. I have been taking some hot baths and have been stretching out a bit. Today I will dust off and place a little treadmill a friend gave me and get the tires aired up on my bike. I will also dl some books on tape or podcasts and charge my headphones.

I will be walking or biking for a hour two days a week and getting other exercise at home.

I totally dumped most things in my fridge now that pdh is gone. Cleaned the fridge and crisper drawers and went to buy small amounts of healthy foods. Ate a low carb dinner with my kids last night and a healthy breakfast this morning.

It's quiet in my house. How nice we had no TV for decades then the past couple few years it's been in loud all day and night.

Don't pout, just walk or something when you have those thoughts. Even if you just stretch out and do some jumping Jack's and scrunches for a few mins.

My fridge has no contrainers that have been eaten out of Hooray. No mustard with sandwich materials, no on with stuff in it. No milk with floating debris.

We had our own stuff in a mini fridge because of this for years.

Sapling · September 06, 2021, 06:08:01 AM

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful replies.

Andeza, I really appreciate your advice "writing down one thing each day that you will do for yourself?" I have started a little self-care 'to do' sit with just one or two things I can do during the day.

notrightinthehead, you nailed it about the "auto-pilot". My auto pilot has included constant harsh criticism of self whilst also neglecting very real needs of self *sigh* Trying to work on conscious encouragement to balance out the critical voice but its hard because that critical voice is LOUD.

I hear ya, 1footouttadefog. It's not always easy to be healthy. I try to go for a walk everyday. Unfortunately due to covid restrictions the kinds of exercise I like doing- swimming or going to a dance class are just not available to me right now, and that affects my mood and motivation.

1footouttadefog · September 06, 2021, 05:50:38 PM

Maybe you can watch YouTube videos to learn some really different form of dance than what you are used to.

I have had a couple of dreams where I moon walked into the church coffee hour. I need to take my advise and relearn how to moonwalk so I can bust a move sometime. Maybe the 40th class reunion, that gives me a some years to work on it.

Some of the guys tried to break dance at the 20th, did not go well, but no one was paralyzed either. Alcohol may have played a roll in both the missed moves and the lack of serious injury.

Sapling · September 08, 2021, 01:45:20 AM

Quote from: 1footouttadefog on September 06, 2021, 05:50:38 PM
I have had a couple of dreams where I moon walked into the church coffee hour. I need to take my advise and relearn how to moonwalk so I can bust a move sometime. Maybe the 40th class reunion, that gives me a some years to work on it.

Some of the guys tried to break dance at the 20th, did not go well, but no one was paralyzed either. Alcohol may have played a roll in both the missed moves and the lack of serious injury.

Hahahahaha! Thank you for making me laugh 1footouttadefog. I love this idea and would love to see someone moonwalk into the church coffee hour

Thank you for reminding me also, not to take everything so damn serious. I appreciate your advice. I think I will check out what youtube has to offer right now.

JustKeepTrying · September 09, 2021, 09:01:32 PM

I recently posted about negative self-talk/inner thoughts and my fear of them. I was and still kind of avoiding them but someone posted - and I'm paraphrasing - to lean into them. To look at them objectively and wonder where they come from. Not follow them but kind of science guy them. So I've been doing that and I am finding it very helpful. They are reducing and I am not so afraid to sit in quiet.

As for physical health - anything you do for your health even it is just a shower - is a good thing. Be kind to yourself is the most important thing.

I have been going through old photos and came across a pic of myself in a headcase retainer. Yup. Just like you saw in all those old 80s movies. Full on. I was spotty and greasy-haired and the look in my eyes was of full on anxiety and fear. I printed it out. I talked to it and addressed that kid. Everyday now I am talking to her and telling her I love her. This is really helping. I find it is soothing a part of me that has never really felt safe before. I hope that this exercise (which I picked up from someone else on here) will help ease some of my own codependent issues.

Be kind to yourself and you should be proud that posted and owned your issues. Good for you!