Is silence a good enough answer? NC two years.

[helpneeded]

I am at the 2-year anniversary of NC with my mother. The way I did it was, I sent a text that said dealing with her was causing me too much stress and I needed a break. Since then, no communication at all except a few texts from her, which I have not answered.

The latest text came last week as I was busy getting ready for my young child's birthday. It said, paraphrase: As [child's] birthday is coming up, "dare I ask" if I may have a relationship with [child] that does not cause you stress?

The answer to this question is NO, but I haven't answered it, and the question of whether to respond or not has been taking up my mental energy. The "dare I ask" phrasing got on my nerves, but whatever. The other hidden meaning that I find here is that she is saying that she's fine now that I'm out of her life, but can she please have a shot with my kid?

Like I'm wondering, would it be kinder to give some kind of reply that solidifies that I am not planning to have her in my life or my child's life, ever? The wording of my original message was indefinite, and now I feel much more definite. I am thinking of a situation like a friendship or a dating relationship in which one person is not upfront about "ghosting" and leaves the other person wondering. I've been on the wrong end of that, and it doesn't feel good. But then again, here I am worrying about my mom's feelings when I need to worry about my own, right?

If I were to answer this text, it would take me a whole day of hard thinking, emotional work, writing versions to compare for intended effect, etc. And then dealing with whatever reply back from her. And I guess I'm just not willing to do this.

My sisters and I don't talk much on this subject - they drew boundary that they won't discuss me with mom at all, and they discuss mom only minimally with me. (For example, something I learned recently from sisters is that they changed how they manage my mom and my dad together. My parents have been divorced for 30 years, but up until a few years ago, they would invite both of them for family events that didn't require both of them, for example, Thanksgiving dinner. Now they keep mom and dad completely separate - if one is invited to Thanksgiving, the other is not, etc. Of course they would both be invited to something big, like a wedding. And they can both choose to attend a sporting event involving one of the children. Anyway, it sounds like it was a good move on my sisters' part. This is the kind of thing they are always adjusting in order to deal with mentally ill mother.)

But anyway, I talked to my sister last night and while I don't usually do this, I told her I was struggling with this text and either 1) not answering at all or 2) giving mom a more definite idea that I and child are not going to be available to her. She was conflicted, but I think she helped me get to the idea that not answering at all is its own message. So I think I'm going with that. She asked some questions like "what if mom were ill?" and the answer to that is that I do not care. And she wanted to know "do you think you're keeping this up forever" and my answer to that is that I guess you're supposed to make an exception if the person gets treatment and gets well, but in the case of my mother, the likelihood of that is about ZERO. And I said I would rely on my sisters to tell me, "hey, maybe you need to reconsider, because of x,y,z" and notably, they have never said anything like that.

I think I am typing all this out as self therapy, but if anyone has any insights, please share!

A few things:
1) I think it's time I block her number. That way I don't have to ever spend time on thinking about this again.
2) I am DREADING some circumstance in which I must see her. The nieces and nephews are all probably 10 years away from getting married, so that gives me time (she could die by then). But it could happen that an older relative dies and then I have to see her at a funeral. UGH. I'm dreading it even though it's only hypothetical.
3) My sister mentioned my kid can make his own decision on who to see when he turns 18. This is 15+ years away, so again, she very well might be dead by then. It feels callous to think this way, but it is what it is?

[Cat of the Canals]

I agree with your sister that no answer is an answer itself. Especially in response to the passive-aggressive "dare I ask" nonsense. She can't be bothered to even ask the question without playing guilt-trip games, and to me that says this is more about making you feel bad than her having any interest in a relationship with you or your children. Grey rock right through it. I also agree that it's time to block her number if this is the kind of communication you receive. It's abusive, even if it's on the more subtle end of things.

[helpneeded]

Thanks for response, Cat of the Canals. Yes, I think the "dare I ask" is obnoxious, and makes me feel validated that you see that as her playing guilt-trip games.

I'm going to do the blocking. TODAY I will do it. I didn't do it in the past because, well, I wanted to see what she would say. Out of curiosity. Also out of self-protection, I think, because her words give me clues as to where she's at, it's information. But the information hasn't been all that useful, I'm basically safe, and I don't think there's anything she could say that would be good for me.

So, moving on to blocking, a gift to myself today.

[Leonor]

SO TEMPTING to reply, "Yes, you may and no, you may not."

Of course we wouldn't do that.

But SO TEMPTING.

[helpneeded]

Hahahah! Or "You do dare, and no you may not."

[JustKat]

I was in a similar situation with my Nmother after I went NC. In my case, it was emails with little pokes in them that were intended to set me off and engage me again. My therapist told me this:

Engaging with a narcissist is like playing a game of tennis. They serve the ball and wait for you to return it. If you return that serve, you're now playing the game and they'll keep hitting that ball right back. But if you walk off the court without ever returning the ball, game over.

So in short, I agree, the best response is no response, especially since composing that reply will cause you so much stress. When it comes to narcissists, there is no perfect reply. Whatever you say will be read as "I got a reply. I got to her." And if she persists, and you really want to be NC, block away. I know how hard this stuff is when you've made the difficult decision to go NC and they refuse to let go, but it really does get better.

As for "she could die by then," guess what, while I was stressing over my own NC situation, my Nmother DIED. 

[blacksheep7]

Engaging with a narcissist is like playing a game of tennis. They serve the ball and wait for you to return it. If you return that serve, you're now playing the game and they'll keep hitting that ball right back. But if you walk off the court without ever returning the ball, game over.

I agree, it's the best approach.  Like Cat of the Canals said is that she didn't even bother asking you why or what  that brought you to that decision.  Only her concern about seeing the gchild with the passive agressive remark.
Then again, you will never have the truth with a narcissist so not answering was the right thing to do.

In situations like this, the sibs are always more worried and concerned about the parent/narc instead of the real victim.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I think, yes, silence is a good enough response. Actually, I think it quite clearly conveys a message of where your boundaries are, shows someone that they have not yet found the way to communicate that feels respectful to you, and simply it conveys "no". You can say "no" without using a word.   

I always wonder if where we tend to question our responses is when we focus on the other person and how they may feel about receiving our response, not how it will make us feel. The manner in which we reply, if we reply, becomes about them. I feel like at that point finding a satisfactory conclusion is difficult. As mentioned already, those with NPD seem to never recognize the aspect of our consideration and instead just register that we are interacting so we must be back in the game.

[SeaSalt]

Wow Helpneeded I think we have the very same mother.

In my opinion: silence (NC) is the strongest and loudest msg possible. Anything else she will see as your weakness and an opportunity to get back to you.

I did the very same thing you did: the msg that you wrote and than stop communication but did not block her or anyone in my FOO. I did it several years ago and my NC lasted for 2 years. Than they managed to drag me back to the family drama. Than this year in April I did it again. I wrote to my mother that any interaction with her was making me sick and that I needed a break. Than I blocked her. On everything and everywhere. I also have a child. I know 100% that my child will never have any contact with her. It is my duty to protect my child from abuse. And I do and will protect my child at any cost.

Regarding funerals last year or so I went to a funeral of a cousin of mine and met there my N mother and all the FOO. They are always civilised in such a social settings. However, it was a mistake, I should have not gone. I should have gone to visit in another moment. That funeral cost me weeks of mental and physical distress.
After that funeral I decided no more funerals, no more weddings. It is not worth it. I do not care if people will not understand. My emotional, mental and physical health is more important than social obligations. I do not owe anything to anyone. And so do you.

Silence is our best shield. N feed on our energy. Do not give them energy. I felt freedom only when I learned to not think of my N mother anymore. I reprogramed my brain to stop thinking of her. Each time a thought about my N mother came to my mind I decided I would think of a friend of mine (lets say her name is Maria). And so each time i started to think and fight in my mind with my N mother, I switched to thinking of Maria. After few weeks my mind would go directly to think of Maria and eventually I realised sometimes 2 weeks pass by without a though of my N mother. Amazing. Pure bliss. New life. I wish you that. Stay strong.

[My New Life]

Silence is the only answer when dealing with a narcissist. 
Your mother's phrasing "Dare I ask," reminded my of my mother's phrasing, "After all I have done for you, I deserve to have a relationship with my grandchildren."  Which, of course, she did not deserve, or I never would have had to go NC.

Remember, anything you say, can and will be used against you.  Engagement of any kind pulls you back into the drama.  Hence the need to go NC to begin healing.  Placing your child in the middle of Crazy?  Nope.  And there are no words you could use to make your mother understand or agree with your decision.

I would suggest blocking email, text, and phone.  For me, each contact caused tremendous stress until I finally blocked all contact.  Then and only then did my body start to decompress from all the stress and toxins.

Sending you support!