Struggling badly lately, no enthusiasm or energy, just confused & upset

[BrightMoon]

Hope this is ok to post here. I confronted/stood up to my now old father the other week, for the first time in my life expressing anger to him about the emotional abuse & neglect I suffered due to him and others in my family when I was young. I am obviously still working on trying to heal my scars from that time-and have had to be basically no contact with family of origin as all still deny any abuse to me, despite all doing it in different ways and obvious serious family issues.

I dont regret confronting him-my whole life I was too afraid of losing his approval to really state my anger (I didnt rant or do it to punish, just read from notes I had written about my feelings to him). But I now find myself in a really hurt and vulnerable place, extremely low. I dont really have a support network other than online forums such as this. My childhood left me with social anxieties that still impact in different ways. I use phone helplines too. And self help books. Journalling. I did use 12 step groups until all the pro religion stuff became too much (Im not anti religion, its just something I dont personally believe in). Ive tried therapy and its been very mixed with many bad experiences.

I have progressed over time, I have come a long way, grown-but I just feel at the moment like maybe when one set of issues or past pain gets dealt with that a whole other set I'd never even knew was there, or had forgotten, comes along once the space to consider it has been vacated by the previous lot.

And this current lot has really got to me. I dont even know what it is exactly. I just feel unable to cope with the world, with the selfishness and extremisms on all sides of the agenda, with the lack of peace or kindness or balance or decency. Everyone seems to hate on everyone and shut anyone who disagrees out. Im so tired by it all. I miss a time when people could debate, disagree, used reasonable self control, could walk away etc.

Im rambling maybe. As I say, I dont really understand whats up with me right now, but I feel unable to do the smallest stuff yet have hopes of being able to manage. To work, to find friends, to be more active, etc. All my life I've had awful sleep problems, and now am only able to get up around lunchtime and sleep around dawn. Its never great but its upsetting me. Im not looking for sleep tips though as I've tried them all and even this sleep I get is with a pill-and is actually better than it was earlier in the year.

But i just feel overwhelmed seeing the mess I feel my life is. I cant eat lunches and can only have dinners with a pill that helps. Feel I've only enough enthusiasm or energy to do one thing a day which means something that HAS to be done which isnt fun. And fun-fun is such a problem. I just rarely if EVER enjoy anything. Certain aspects of travel, like seeing new places, I love that. Before the virus and when my anxiety would allow, I loved playing certain sports. On rare better days I love progressing with the music I write and record. I love seeing my photographs get published even if it isnt a big thing. I guess I like results. I struggle with the journey to get those results. I know-people say the key to happiness is to enjoy the journey. Well, I've never been able to, for whatever reason. Though as I say, I enjoy pool, football, badminton-if its just friendly as Im not that into competitive stuff, (though Im pretty good at these!) Contradictory though it is, I love the process of just doing those and dont care about the result. But even if I felt up to it, those things are no longer possible currently due to the virus safeguards.

I just wish I had friends I felt safe enough to talk about my bad days with. I was scared to in the past so ended up with a lot of 'friends' who vanished the moment I showed any side other than my 'happy shiny' fake side to. Its hard as a male, especially a forty ish year old one to make new friends. Even in the past, female friends sadly turned out to be more interested in sleeping with me than just being friends. Just want a friend can really be myself with, share the ups and the downs, etc. Some sort of ongoing connection.

I dont know. I could use any virtual online hugs sent my way, or if anyone wants to chat it would probably be a good move for me. Im not really used to making friends online so Im probably a bit clunky or clumsy. Just felt a need to post and share that Im really feeling a bunch of pain and having a hard time right now.

Any feedback or best wishes or thoughts would be welcome. Even to know others have even read this ramble would be something.

[Poison Ivy]

I read your post. I too struggle with "fun-fun" days. I often feel as though I don't deserve to have fun. I know that's irrational, so I won't say it's true that I don't deserve to have fun, but I also honestly acknowledge my feelings.

The pandemic is REALLY hard. Please don't underestimate how difficult it can be to function during this long, strange period of disruption.

[1footouttadefog]

It sounds like alot of issues are bubbling to the surface. Perhaps you telling your father how you feel opened a dam of backed up issues.

You mentioned that if you deal with some more come to replace those

The flip side, and maybe a bright side at some point  is that there are fewer and fewer as you are able to process and this is progress on your path to a better life, even if the process is uncomfortable.

I hope you will continue to practice self care even if covid makes it hard.  You are worth the battle and effort to work against the challenges of what is going on in the world.   

I have found a few small ways to replace some of what I miss even if only in part. I started self care and rebuilding my life in very tiny steps and felt the different pretty quickly.  I hope that you too can find your situation start to improve soon. 

As to the devisiveness, and polarized, and even extremist outlooks, I feel as you have expressed about that regarding the social media and the news media. I have had my moments, hours and possibly even days when I struggled with a very dreary outlook on the world and current events.

I remind myself that bad news sells and the media's are competing to sell outrage because it triggers brain chemistry that makes us consume more media and adverts. .

I have been fortunate to live in an only mildly locked down area and when out and about people are still cool in real life here. Amazingly so.  My daughters BF is in China and folks there are also cool with each other and about the Pandemic related issues for the most part.  I participate in zello meetings. It's a tap to talk walkie talkie app. There are various groups on various topics.  The meetings have people from all over the USA from all demographics and I super much look forward to my meeting nights to hear all the accents and familiar voices as we chat about food and cooking in one group and a hobby of mine in another, and everyone is orderly and polite and genuine, even the few who are starting early with the wine, Lol.  I hope you can find "your folks" both online and off line.   I dont mention these things to invalidate your perspective, or what you are experiencing but only to offer you some positive energy in the fact it's not bad everywhere for everyone., and that there are still nice things going on in the world, and people treating each other well. 

I am glad you found your way here. It's a hugely helpful forum and very well moderated, one of the best I have encountered in that regard. You will not find devisiveness or extremism being aired out in here. The moderators are very good at keeping it safe.  I hope you read stories by others and find comfort in k owing you are not alone and that people do find themselves in a better place with time and healing.