Confused

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Newstart07

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Confused
« on: September 07, 2021, 12:35:34 AM »
I am just starting to get Out of the FOG after five plus years with fiancé and 2.5 year old toddler. We were supposed to marry in 2 months and recently moved to a new state. He has rageful verbally abusive episodes every few months ( sometimes more frequent and sometimes can go 6 mos +) with no rage/ outbursts/ issues. Normal day to day he is a good/ helpful/ attentive to our daughter / does more around the house than I. I have a lot more responsibility at work. He is using pain medication here and there - not fully sure how frequent or how that is impacting his behavior. Can he still be NPD IF  his rage episodes are not so frequent ? How does use impact these cycles ? I have already decided the marriage isn’t happening and just trying to figure out next steps from here in a brand new living situation far from home. In his rage he escalated to yelling and screaming in front of my daughter , in front of neighbors , horrible insults and degrading of my family and myself - degrades all aspects of me from how I look to being useless in the house etc , all the insults you can think of. He could care less who hears him
Or who is impacted. Our two year old toddler has repeatedly said “ stop it daddy,” I don’t like fighting “… even asks me to go with her and remove her to go into a separate room. He will claim the car is his only - and as though we can’t leave during these episodes . Etc . Trying to find strength to see this for what it is despite the good sides of him and to do the right steps to protect myself and my daughter . Any advice or precious experiences would help.

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JustKeepTrying

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Re: Confused
« Reply #1 on: September 07, 2021, 12:56:27 AM »
I am sorry you and your child are experiencing this.  I do not have any concrete advice as for the raging (my exOCPDh raged like this off and on decades and it was stressful not knowing when). All I can offer you is a  :bighug:  and encourage you to listen to your feelings and instincts.

You know in your heart what to do. and you sound like you have the courage to do it.  Protect your daughter.  Protect yourself. 

Read through the toolbox carefully - bookmark what strikes you as helpful and come back and do it again and again.  Reinforcement is key to changing your own behavior to better handle your partner.

Not sure if you are in the US, but www.thehotline.org has wonderful resources if you decide to separate and they have the advice to do so safely.

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hhaw

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Re: Confused
« Reply #2 on: September 07, 2021, 01:39:50 AM »
It sounds like you have witnesses to domestic abuse committed in front of a 2yo child, which is abuse in itself.
Children are just as harmed when witnessing domestic abuse as they are when it's perpetrated against them.

You might need to gather witness statements from your neighbors, their contact information and seek legal help if your stbx fiance makes trouble for you when you leave him.

Making a good exit strategy... finding advocates, supporters and protectors ahead of leaving can be very helpful.

Hiding all your important paperwork, documents, pictures, jewelry, bank info, evidence and heirlooms, before the guy finds out you're leaving.... can be helpful as well.

It seems to me the PDs get away with more if we're isolated and without witnesses around us..... so consider moving somewhere or with someone where you have support.

You aren't married to this guy so you can do as you please.

Protect yourself and model healthy relationships for your little girl while she's still very young..... if you can.

Good luck,
hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt