Father in hospital; dying.

[Unknown]

My father is dying. For real this time. He is in the hospital and does not have much time. Probably days. Weeks at most if he makes it out of there. I have grey rocked him for probably over 10 years. He is narcissistic and an alcoholic practically his entire life. He lives 8,000 miles away in another country. He was not much of a father to me.  was sporadically in my life. As with typical ACOA families, he chose my sister as the GC and I was the SC. I was always compared to her and I guess, never measured up. His wife, my stepmother, and my half-siblings have done some horrible things to me over the years and when confronted with it, he swept their behavior under the rug and blamed me for not being forgiving. He would let them get away with murder but me? I am the black sheep. For these reasons, I have cut off all contact with my half-siblings and step-mother, quietly, years ago. Made no fuss, but I no longer talk to them. (they know this - and I am sure my father does too but they refuse to discuss the elephant in the room.)  I would have gone NC with him but it didn't seem worth the trouble so I just kept him grey rock.  How do you explain to someone that takes no responsibility for their actions the reasons for your grey rock? You can't. Any attempts in the past, have always been shot down with denial, dismissing, invalidation or minimizing. I feel nothing but numbness. My entire extended family has smeared me and thinks I am a rotten human being for not jumping on a plane to see him on his deathbed. I called him this morning. I told him I am sorry for his bad news. I told him I loved him but he did not say it back even on his deathbed. He is clearly mad at me for being emotionally distant all these years. I guess it's his way of 'getting me back' I suppose. TBH, I don't know if I love him but I said it anyway. Funny thing, he's never asked why I grey rock. Not once.  Even on his deathbed, he is forever the victim. He couldn't even tell me he loved me. I am not surprised.  I THINK  I should CRY, I should feel sad, I should go to see him, but I don't FEEL any of that. I just feel numb. totally numb. I wonder if I feel this way because I already said my goodbyes 3 years ago when I thought he was dying then. IDK. Does anyone relate to this? Please tell me I am not alone. . I am sure this numbness is some sort of defense mechanism to cope. Idk.

[Starboard Song]

I just feel numb. totally numb. I wonder if I feel this way because I already said my goodbyes 3 years ago when I thought he was dying then. IDK. Does anyone relate to this? Please tell me I am not alone. . I am sure this numbness is some sort of defense mechanism to cope. Idk.

You are not alone. And I think it isn't even a coping mechanism.

You be amazed at how many people will die today. Some early in life, some violently, some in horrible pain. But I am not crying. Are you crying? Of course not. They aren't our people, and we have to accept that some suffering is the background noise of the universe.

I think you said it exactly right: you said your goodbyes three years ago, you've grey-rocked him for ten, and for some good time now you've been over it. It may be that you've realized that the casting call for role of Father was poorly executed, and you accepted that fact. So perhaps, maybe, you aren't experiencing numbness as much as silence and peace. And when it is your biological parent, that silence and peace and acceptance seems dissonant, maybe even incoherent.

We share this sentiment in my house, in many ways with you. We haven't faced the "loss" of my NC in-laws, but the loss is baked in. As sad as it is, it happened a long time ago.

Be good. Be strong.

[Adria]

You are not alone.  I went through this as well.  When I found out my mom died, we had been NC for ten years.  I was totally numb.  Couldn't cry, couldn't anything.  My goodbyes and acceptance of that were said a decade before.  I think it was about three years later that I shed a tear for her, for what could have been, and for coming to a place where I needed to accept she probably did the best she could under some severe circumstances.  I flew up to my home state and placed a rose on her grave, (Went to three cemeteries to find her because no one told me where she was laid to rest). told her I loved her and I forgave her.  More to free myself than anything.
(Nobody from extended family called to tell me my mother passed, I heard on the street. So I understand the whole family turning their back on you because of lies.) It is a horrible betrayal, especially when I was the loving caring daughter.

Feeling numb is not what you expect to feel when a parent dies, no matter how things were. It can catch us off guard. But, to me as sad as it was that I didn't feel more, maybe we are lucky to feel numb, otherwise the emotions we might feel could be too overwhelming.  I know my narc dad won't tell me he loves me, not even on his deathbed, but I suppose I won't be there to find out either.

Please don't put pressure on yourself to feel a certain way. Don't feel guilty for not feeling a certain way. You handled your life with them the best you could and same thing in death.  These situations are nearly impossible to navigate.  You are the better person for calling him and telling him you loved him. If he couldn't do it, that is sad for him, to be that old and dying and still not understand love.  I did the same when I found out my mom was sick and dying. It was difficult, but then I have no regrets and you shouldn't either.  Give yourself time, and a lot of time, to come to terms with all that has happened.  Eventually, you will find peace.  I wish you the best. Hugs, Adria

[JustKat]

I feel nothing but numbness. My entire extended family has smeared me and thinks I am a rotten human being for not jumping on a plane to see him on his deathbed. I called him this morning. I told him I am sorry for his bad news. I told him I loved him but he did not say it back even on his deathbed.

Oh, Unknown, I am so sorry for what you're going through. You are NOT alone.

When my Nmother was on her death bed I was NC and made the decision not to break NC. I knew if I had called or visited that she would have used that moment to stick it to me one more time. When she died I didn't feel sad. Truth be told, I celebrated that one.

It's been a bit harder with my father, who I just found out passed away last week. He was the enabler, so my feelings about him were different. With my narc mother, I knew there was no fixing her, but with the enabling dad, I always wondered if he would ever realize what he had done wrong. I had this teeny tiny bit of hope, even though I knew in my heart it was hopeless. I'm 61 and have no memories of my father ever telling me that he loved me, so if I had been given the chance to make a deathbed call, I know it would have gone the same way yours did. My father also never asked why I went NC, never asked what was wrong.

I really admire your strength in making that phone call, knowing you would likely get hurt by it. I understand feeling numb. It's hard (maybe impossible) to cry and feel pain over losing someone who tormented you. I'm not sure how we're supposed to feel, really. Perhaps we just feel numb because we don't know how else to cope with what's happened to us. From the day we were born we never had a chance at a normal life. They didn't just hurt us, they traumatized us. How else are we supposed to deal with trauma but to shut down and feel nothing? Perhaps as you said, it's a defense mechanism. I'm babbling a bit here because I'm in that numb place myself.

You're so not alone. Sending you hugs...

[Unknown]

Please don't put pressure on yourself to feel a certain way. Don't feel guilty for not feeling a certain way. You handled your life with them the best you could and same thing in death.  These situations are nearly impossible to navigate.  You are the better person for calling him and telling him you loved him. If he couldn't do it, that is sad for him, to be that old and dying and still not understand love.  I

Thank you Adria,

I appreciate your kind encouragement. The last few days, I have not heard a peep from my relatives across the pond. When I spoke to him on the phone last, the phone call was awkward and he essentially wished me " a good life" and "good luck with work".  Is that what you tell someone when you have no idea what else to say??  His voice was soft-spoken and weak sounding and I don't exactly want to call again to put him through another (awkward) phone call and with his health the way it is. I DO feel pressure- (SILENT) pressure to be the one TO CALL AGAIN AND SEE HOW HE IS. I guess I am starting to feel something... Anger. Why hasn't ANYONE bothered to call me to let me know the status? They have my phone numbers. I feel no matter what I do in life, I am always being "punished" by the PD people of the world. 'Punished' by sticking up for myself, 'punished' for not being who they want me to be, 'punished' for not living up to their expectations, whatever that is. Their favorite form of "punishment" is the ST/stonewalling/ignoring. Isn't the onus on THEM to keep me updated? They are the ones THERE with him. I just don't get it. It almost seems inhuman the way they are treating me. I just feel like I am sitting here waiting for him to die and have no idea if anyone is even going to bother to tell me that. I guess I know my answer and I am angry. Had my niece not called to tell me what put him in the hospital, I realize now, he CHOSE not to call and tell me himself. Fortunately, he could have, he just didn't.

Just, wow.

Kathy, I am so sorry for the way things unfolded with your father's death. How did you find out about their passing with both of them? Did anyone even reach out to you? I get the feeling the minute we go NC, the extended family members shun us. I feel like they have no right to judge especially since NOT One of them has EVER asked for my side of the story. Not even to feign interest, compassion, or insight. Nope. Did you get that feeling when you went NC? I am so sorry. It is a complicated loss, isn't it? It is fraught with pain, sorrow, and grief nobody can ever understand unless you have been through it. I am hoping you are getting on this week with much self-care and are able to surround yourself with people who DO care about YOU for a safe space and to offer you comfort. 

[JustKat]

Kathy, I am so sorry for the way things unfolded with your father's death. How did you find out about their passing with both of them? Did anyone even reach out to you?

It was different with each of them, and there was a reason for that. When my Nmother died my GC sister emailed me right away, but she was acting in her own self-interest. The email went something like, "Mom died last night so I need your address for the lawyers." I had ghosted so she basically used my mother's death as a way to get my address (which I didn't give her). She also had to look good in front of my father, who had just named her sole heir.

I found out that my father had passed by lurking on my sister's FB page. I have her blocked but check her page on occasion with a second ID I set up to watch what's going on with my FOO. She had posted that she found him dead in his house. There was no emotion in her post and she didn't bother to reply to all the people who left their condolences. The next day she shared pics of herself at Disneyland while I cried over losing a father that had mistreated me. Seems we end up being empaths ( sometimes to a fault) while they end up being hopelessly cruel and soulless.

I feel like they have no right to judge especially since NOT One of them has EVER asked for my side of the story.

No, never. No one in my family ever made an effort to ask why I ran away from home in high school or why I eventually went NC. There was no evidence of me being anything other than a loving daughter, a good student, and a hard worker. Whatever they were told about me must have been really over-the-top, and yet, no one questioned it.

I really understand how your pain is turning to anger. You have a right to be angry. Like you, my family has my contact info, but we just went through a pandemic and none of them reached out to see if I was okay. They don't care if I'm dead or alive. You're absolutely right that keeping you out of the loop is a form of punishment. My parents both used that word quite often. Even near the end, when I was disinherited, my father told me it was my "punishment." Your father wishing you "good luck with work" was pretty typical of my father too. The simple truth was that he never took the time to know me, what my life was like, what I did for a living. So the most I'd get in a phone call was, "Okay, I hope your job is going well." They make small talk because they don't care enough to engage in meaningful discussion.

You're so right in saying that no one can understand it if they haven't gone through it themselves. I'm so thankful for this forum. The people here get it. You're not alone. Wish you all the best during this difficult time.

[Sheppane]

I'm very sorry you are going through this Unknown. Similar to what others have said I think our grieving in dysfunctional families has been going on quietly,  silently for many years. I can understand how you would feel numb right now.  But it is very painful. And yes , keeping you out of the loop is punishment, in my opinion. It's part of the " with us or against us" mentality.  I have experience of that also when I was not told by anyone that a family member was seriously ill in hospital. When they died I was contacted on FB a day later.  I reacted with upset and this then provoked a reaction that I was somehow the unreasonable one and I was told I wouldn't have visited them anyway. Punishment for not being part of the herd anymore. It is so hard and I feel for you and so many here understand this too. You have done nothing wrong and whatever you are feeling right now is all you need to be feeling,  and completely valid. Your anger is there to protect you. I'm sorry it is so complicated, so painful.  Take great care. Sending strength.

[hhaw]

Maybe it's the peace one discovers after accepting a difficult truth they can't change?

[Unknown]

  I reacted with upset and this then provoked a reaction that I was somehow the unreasonable one and I was told I wouldn't have visited them anyway. Punishment for not being part of the herd anymore.

Sheppane,
Thank you for this! It hurts and although I am sad that others have gone through the same, it brings me some sanity that I am not alone! Your quote, above, is exactly what happened a year ago when I was (again) not told of my father's major heart surgery..Clearly, in hindsight, my dad didn't want to tell me last year (as punishment) just like he didn't bother telling me what's happening with him now....Regarding last year, an adult extended family member spoke to him the "day before his surgery" and "had just found out" but didn't THINK to call me and ask "hey, did you know about this?"  When I reacted with legit, righteous anger, the response was "Well, you would know too if you talked to him more often!" (A. This response was telling. How would this person know how often I speak to him?? B. And how is that anyone else's business and C. why would that give someone the right to judge????  This comment was telling bc it revealed all that and that my dad badmouths me behind my back to extended family or whoever. It was not her responsibility to share this news, but it is basic human decency/compassion to do so. )  It was total DARVO and flipping the script back onto me. She said a few other things that were clearly indicative of her Narc upbringing.  such as the faux apology " I said I'm sorry!!! what more do you want?" in a snarky, insincere way. (No, she was NOT sorry.) I have not talked to her since. Technically, she is not blocked, but I made it clear that day that I have nothing more to say to her. Another one in my family bites the dust. It is amazing how they stick together when we set ourselves apart from their dysfunction. Truthfully, I am still hurt over this over a year later. There is zero compassion, zero accountability, zero demonstrated remorse, and zero attempts at repairing the damage that THEY did to the relationship. Yet, they blame it on US like we are at fault for why our "relationship" is no more. She was clearly in the wrong and has not bothered to genuinely apologize to me (which would be the obvious first step at repairing a relationship.) But, no. I often wonder if they stay away due to their shame. Shame they refuse to admit, to us and to themselves..... I read somewhere that narcs cannot put 2 and 2 together. Like, they see we are NC, but they cannot connect the whys of NC. (or refuse to). So, in their mind, bc we are NC, we are the ones to blame. (How easy and convenient for them). It disgusts me. Thanks Sheppane, for your insight and for responding. That reinforcing support helps me so much.

JustKathy, How are you holding up today? Thank you for your validation. I see you too. I see your hurt and pain and you are not alone either.