Question for the experts

Started by cgr68311, September 08, 2021, 12:15:03 PM

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cgr68311

Why these Coparenting dynamics? I mean literally every other thread is almost identical, we could just change the names and ages and that's our situation. Obviously I'm exaggerating but there has to be a common denominator, chemical imbalance idk just very curious

Also for those long haulers, does it get any better, the dynamics? What to watch over the years? Any happy endings?

cgr68311

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I find it hard to believe that this condition is so prevalent

Penny Lane

It's pretty wild, isn't it? Like there's a playbook and they're all looking at the exact same guide to crazymaking behavior. Every time I see a thread and think "well at least BM hasn't tried that" ... she later tries it. Notably, there was once a thread about an ex who was threatening to move near the OP, and I commented something like, well I'm glad we're not in that situation! A year later the kids came over saying "mom is going to move closer to the school" (aka us as we live right next to the school).  :aaauuugh: Fortunately the housing market and her lack of ability to put away money saved us.

To answer your questions, DH's ex hasn't ever gotten any better, but the dynamics have gotten much, much easier.

-- He has firmly, consistently and (mostly) calmly set boundaries over the years in targeted areas designed to reduce conflict. I wouldn't say she respects the boundaries, but she has learned that they are firm. She's not going to get him to pay attention to her or engage in an argument if she pushes at those boundaries. She hasn't totally stopped, but she has dramatically reduced the incursions on our lives, and I firmly believe it's because it's not satisfying for her to rage at a brick wall.

-- As time has gone on I also think BM has chilled out around the subject of DH. She still hates him and especially me. But she has other more recent targets: a host of ex boyfriends who she feels have wronged her, friends she has had a falling out with, former bosses who have fired her, etc. As far as we can tell she's still harassing people, it's just less and less often that it's us.

-- DH has chilled out too. He's less likely to insist that she follow the order on principle, and more likely to let things go. He's learned that it's pointless to raise his concerns about BM's house with BM, so the most part he doesn't. Things are good over here, why fight with her over something minor? I have chilled out too - my goal has always been to be a calming influence but I think I succeed more often now.

-- We've gotten better at planning for the worst and hoping for the best. So for example - say there is something that needs to be purchased for one of the kids. Either we will just buy it for the kid and he will add it to the expense list. Or he will ask her to buy it and say "If they don't have it by (the last time the kids are with us before the deadline) I'll pick it up for them. Let me know what you're going to do." She can do it or not, but we have a plan to make sure it gets done, and that plan involves minimal contact with BM. Before they would try to coordinate and come to an agreement (on the type of thing, or where or how to buy it, or whatever) and it was a disaster - she doesn't want to spend her money on the kids, but she also doesn't want DH to be the one to buy things. He has basically removed himself from the arguments about logistics and has set it up so either she handles it or he does (almost always he does) - they don't really have to work together on almost anything. Another example - we know she is often an hour plus late to pick up the kids. Whenever possible, we plan our day so that someone will be at home for at least a couple hours after a scheduled pickup, so that we're not scrambling to wake her up and get her to come get them because we're late for a meeting or whatever.

-- He's set it up so he gets communication directly from schools, doctor's offices, etc. This took quite a bit of work as she leaves his name off of forms whenever possible. So it's been a combination of 1. Adding his information back in 2. being the one to fill out the form initially and 3. persistently emailing teachers, etc, explicitly asking to be included (a lot of teachers especially don't seem used to dealing with an involved dad, so there's somewhat of a hurdle to overcome). This way he doesn't have to rely on her to pass along information - he gets the same information she does. And she can't triangulate him with others.

-- As the kids have gotten older they also need their parents to have less coordination, and with pandemic restrictions (like we took quite a bit of time off from extracurriculars) there was even less need to communicate. The kids make their own plans with friends now. Sports are mostly done through the school starting in junior high, so the parents don't have to find a place to sign up the kids, deal with monthly payments, etc. If the kids have a cut or a twisted ankle or whatever that doesn't rise to the level of a doctor's visit, they can communicate that directly with the other parent, and for the most part they know what their limits are. This cuts out a lot of previously necessary communication.

So basically we have all these systems in place to reduce conflict and to make it so we don't have to spend our brainpower on doing so. However, when the systems don't account for something (kids have been exposed to COVID and have to quarantine, for example) she behaves just about as badly as when I first met DH. And there are things that we know will trigger bad behavior from her despite the systems - basically any time money is involved, or if she has just broken up with a boyfriend, we know she's going to have a meltdown. But I would say rather than several times a day meltdowns it's a few meltdowns a month. Or even sometimes we'll go a few months without any meltdown at all, depending on what else is happening in her life. If you had asked me four years ago, I would never have believed it. It's not good, it's not even really acceptable, but it's so much better than it was.

As far as happy endings, at first I thought a happy ending would be that DH gets custody and BM gets every other weekend with the kids. It turns out that was never really on the table. I think our happy ending is that we are raising two smart, happy, mostly emotionally intelligent kids. They are with us enough that we get an opportunity to instill our values in them, and to correct negative behaviors that they're learning at BM's house. They don't seem to have their own PDs. They seem to understand that they don't have to accept people treating them the way their mom treats other people. This feels like a success beyond my wildest dreams when I first met them. It sounds so simple but it has taken a lot of work to get to this point. And at first I thought the work would be DH arguing with BM to get her to do the right thing. But the real work was in a way much harder - working to disengage with the bad stuff that happens at her house, so we can be fully present when the kids are at our house.

cgr68311

Wow Penny. Very inspiring and scary at the same time.

Mine is still little but I can see down the road how buying things for school or other activities may require cooperation at some level, and as you said when unexpected things come up (eg quarantine etc) then they show all their true original colors lol and sometimes us too.

Group hug