Last-Minute Visit by Adult in-law step "child" & step grandchildren

[D.]

Suggestions on getting ready for an upcoming visit?
The situation is adult stepchildren visiting w/grandchildren.  One spouse and the grandchildren are appropriate and I enjoy their company.  However, the other spouse is verbally/emotionally abusive to the children/spouse & passive-aggressive w/me.  Part of the conflict feels like personality differences, however the one spouse exhibits a lot of PD traits...
Last time we visited the uPD individual basically wouldn't let me interact w/the children, interrupting every time I tried to play or interact.  They also did things like hide items from me, not allow me to do things in their home, the unpleasant facial expressions, etc.  My husband is challenged by this person too and when he realized how they were treating me he stayed close by.  Also, during the last visit I was much more in the fog regarding my own family of origin and not so aware of PD traits.  I would just retreat/avoid w/inappropriate behavior by others.
To be fair I am the "step" mother/grandmother so I understand individuals can have grief (the biological grandmothers are recently deceased) and their own issues...just don't want it taken out on me..
This time the visit will be on my home turf and I have my own area for retreat.  Also, a short visit. But still, I am nervous and reminding myself of medium-chill, removing where needed, etc.
Any more words of wisdom to add here?  Things for me to notice?  Perspectives? etc.
All input appreciated!

[Leonor]

Hi D,

This is a bit of a sticky wicket here.

Let's set aside for a moment the personalities involved.

These are two people whose mothers have recently passed.

You could be Mother Theresa and there'd likely be upset around you, just because they're grieving and whether right or intentional or not, you'll be perceived as a replacement for Mom. If they were close to Mom, it will be painful, but if they weren't, it will be doubly so, because they're grieving the loss of the Ideal Mom as well.

And when a parent remarries, at any age, the old hurts of separation (by death or divorce or abandonment or whatever) will bubble up because it's a reminder of what they have lost ... Even if the loss itself is a fantasy.

You are your husband's wife. You are not their mom or grandmother. You are the mother in law once removed, and that takes you out of the ring a bit. But this also gives you a break, because you are a plus-one and not a major player here.

I do sense a bit of passive aggression on your side too, such as putting the word "child" in quotes, or feeling injured or having your h stand by your side around his children to protect you from them. It's not fair, and they may treat you rudely, but it's up to you to be the Adult in the Room.

You can model for them that you are a safe person who wants your h and his children to have a good relationship. Here's how:

1. Smile.
2. Nod.
3. Say please and thank you.

That's it. That's all you do. But you would be doing a lot, because you'd be removing yourself from the tension and drama in their family and showing yourself to be a patient, safe and calm person.

No complaining to dh about his children. No hurt surprise when the parents call their children away. No sulking on the way home or fanning any sort of family flames afterwards by egging on h while he vents about child and spouse.

That is the way to build a better relationship with your h's family. And if they are too rude, politely decline the invitation and allow h to have time with his family. They need him around right now, and you support him by supporting him around them.

[hhaw]

Short visit is reallly important, IME.

You can always stay busy, maybe take the kids out into this beautiful fall weather.... playground, park, lake to feed ducks, etc.

I'd be all over the grandchildren finding ways to distance from the difficult personalities.

[D.]

I very much appreciate your insights here.  True.  Grief is so complicated and it is not about me.  I sense NPD fleas creeping in to my thoughts?...
And although it's sometimes tough to look at my own shortcomings I see what you mean about being the adult in the room.  I think that is why I struggle with this individual so much.  They really trigger me and I find myself thinking and behaving in my own childish ways I don't like (allowing my own attitudes of superiority to creep in, needing protection, etc.)  But in the end I am 50% responsible for the relationship itself, so I need to make that part be my best and most appropriate in the circumstances.
I downplayed the behaviors of the parent for anonymity but the way the one parent treats the children is very concerning from my perspective (think Cinderella) so that triggers me greatly.  I have my own wounds that I am recently healing from myself.  I just don't know if I am strong enough in my own self to be around the person much.  My anxiety kicks in, I kind of freeze, and cannot think.
I would love to spend time with the children, but the last time every time that I tried to play, read a book, etc. with a child the parent would call the child away to another task.  It wasn't so much me feeling hurt as realizing that simply was not an option for me.  I was disappointed but respect the parent's decision.
This is a short visit, but from a distance. 
However, your point to step outside of myself and think of the well being of the children and others is crucial and the value I try to maintain.  I want to clarify the quotes about child were really my confusion on how to refer to adult children (since I do see them as adult).  Maybe it was not the best choice for title to the thread?  I am new to be a grandmother and my own children are grown, but younger than the step children.  That said, I have this underlying strong dislike for the individual that I find unpleasant and is, unusual for me.  And that's the area where I need to
I am going to think deeply about how I would want this visit to go.  I think I need to really work to be detached.  Step back, observe and like you say smile, nod, say please and say thank you.

Hhaw,
I like the busyness and children perspective. Given the parent will likely not want children to interact with me, I may end needing to simply do my own thing, but in a respectful and kind way.

[D.]

Things are going so well this time.  I think I really needed to get healthier myself and have worked to do so over the past couple of years.  I think sometimes the traumatized brain sees a PD around every corner.  Fear when not needed.   Now I can approach things in a more healthy way and it's fine.

[hhaw]

If we can resist becoming triggered, we're more responsive... we have more choice, IME.  We can fly over the hurtful stuff and remain grounded and happy in ourselves, IME.

Part of that is dropping expectation and wholeheartedly embracing acceptance of what IS, IME.   

No need to figure out why DIL did this or that hurtful thing..... people do things bc the grass is green and the sky is blue.  Disordered people are around us all the time.  On the freeway,  in our families and working in restaurants and banks, etc. 

We accept there are difficult people, or maybe just regular people having difficult days... doesn't matter.  We keep our head where are feet are... in the moment and resist rumination on the past or worrying about the future.

Allowing other people's hurtful behavior to create reactivity in us is a painful way to live, IME.

Good luck shifting into observer mode and choosing your responses, D.

[D.]

Thank you hhaw.  This is hard work for me...I had gotten there pretty well with my small circle of (imo) healthy friends and family.  But, the world outside that circle was sometimes stressful for me since my divorce several years ago.  At that time it was like the childhood wound opened wide up and I regressed for a while.  Sometimes triggered at work, the store, my FOO (since gone VLC).  But, I hope I have come back even healthier for it.  I am quite grateful for this group, the therapy, and my efforts too!    So well put, observer mode and choosing my responses appropriately.

[hhaw]

Just be very kind to yourself, D.

Set your boundaries then lean on them, particularly when faced with difficult people and situations.

You can't please them.

You might as well please and honor yourself.