My enFather has died

[JustKat]

I don't even know how to process this. I knew it would happen, but I didn't expect to find out like this.

When my GC sister joined Facebook I blocked her and her obvious aliases and created a decoy account for myself that would come up in search (because I know they were searching). I log into that decoy account every few months to see what's going on with GS Sis and my father. I checked yesterday and saw a post from about a week ago where she wrote that no one had heard from my father in several days so she was going to have to go check his house (which is just a few doors down from hers). A few hours later she posted again, with all the empathy of a potted plant, "Okay, my dad's dead." This was followed by a few hundred Facebook friends offering "condolences to the family," none of them realizing that her only remaining family is the two siblings she threw out with the trash.

So my father died a week ago and I only know because I spied on my sister's Facebook page. She didn't bother to notify me and probably never will. I'm assuming my brother, who is not on Facebook, has no idea. Right now I'm sure GC Sis is ransacking our father's house and removing anything of value before she has the probate lawyer send me the obligatory letter confirming his death and letting me know (yet again) that I'm disinherited. She's probably bursting with joy knowing that she has all his stuff while I'll be left with nothing. Ah well, I have a few things she doesn't have, like empathy and dignity and integrity.

This is how it ends when you purposely hurt your children to please your narcissistic wife. He died alone, and apparently lie dead in his house for days. Even though GC Sis lives on the same street, she hadn't been checking on him. She was just biding her time waiting to collect her inheritance, which is his house, where she'll probably also grow old and die alone because she now has no one left.

I wrote an essay about my father in one of my writing classes. It ended with this:

My father turned ninety this year. Like my mother, he'll die without seeing me again. He'll die without ever telling me he loved me, because he didn't. He'll die without ever telling me he's sorry, because he's not.

It looks like I was right. It hurts like hell to know that I'll never hear the words I had hoped to hear, but I knew how this would end.

[Call Me Cordelia]

That's terrible and sad, JustKathy.

You were right, and you knew how it would end, and you did what you needed to do, but that doesn't necessarily change the emotional response. If you need time to process that it actually happened that way, of course you do. Foreseeing isn't the same as acceptance, and that can't be accomplished on demand. Of course it hurts like hell.

Grief at the death of a parent is something that you have experienced in advance and at the time. Add in the feelings of loneliness at not being understood or considered or loved by the very people whose love should be a comfort to you now, again no wonder.

I'm so sorry about all of this. That's so crappy at how you found out. I don't know what your relationship with your brother is. Are you going to notify him?

[Andeza]

The empathy of a potted plant indeed. Sheesh. Sorry you found out the way you did. That's pretty awful.

Don't worry about processing it right this minute, JustKathy. There's no need to rush anything. Just take care of yourself right now and know that we're to help you handle what comes as it comes. Here's a big  because you deserve it. You've done so much work already and you've come so far and helped so many others.

Whatever this transition ends up looking like for you, I hope it is peaceful. I hope it brings some comfort and closure. I hope that you come out the other side, wherever and whenever that ends up being, better than before. Take the time that you need. As much as you need.

[Adria]

Oh, JustKathy, oh my . . .

I am sooo. sooo sorry. My heart breaks for you.  There are truly no words to describe how they treated you. Unspeakable!

Yes, I understand that it is something you know is going to happen, you know how things are going to end, but you are never truly prepared for the outcome and the effects of how isolated you feel or the fact that nobody cared enough to make a simple call and let you know.

Nobody from my family (two sisters or extended family) bothered to call and let me know when my mom died. Nobody! Days after my mother's death, and after hearing it on the street, my narc father called my son and told him to tell me, "Tell your mom her mother is dead." The betrayal by everyone I loved devastated me and I literally fell to the floor. I never received even a small memento of my mother. I have been disinherited as well, and my heartless sisters are just waiting for my father to pass as they will inherit much.

My father turned ninety this year. Like my mother, he'll die without seeing me again. He'll die without ever telling me he loved me, because he didn't. He'll die without ever telling me he's sorry, because he's not.

You summed it up so well. I haven't seen my parents in forever.  Didn't see my mom before she died, even though my dad promised he would let me know when she was close, so I could come.  I'll never see my father again either. And he will die without ever telling me he loves me, because he doesn't. And yes, he will die without ever telling me he is sorry, because he's not.  It's a tough pill to swallow. Something that could have been so simple and life changing.

Kathy, you should never have had to live through something like this. It's so unfair, so wrong, so undeserved. You deserve so much more. As far as processing, just let it happen as it comes. Don't force it. Just take care of yourself right now, and be really, really patient and kind with yourself.  You didn't deserve this. There is no excuse for the way they treated you.  Hold on to your empathy, dignity and integrity and give it all back to you, honey.  I wish I could fix it for you. I really do. I will hold you up in prayer. Hugs, Adria

[JenniferSmith]

I'm so sorry to hear about this. I've read your posts about your dad and based on my own experience with mine, I understand a lot of your feelings. I really feel for you. Please take good care of yourself. You didn't deserve any of the treatment you got and remember its not about you at all... it says everything about your endad and sister and who THEY are.  They are the effed up ones, not you.

Sending you big hugs - 

[Blueberry Pancakes]

It looks like I was right. It hurts like hell to know that I'll never hear the words I had hoped to hear, but I knew how this would end.

I am sorry JustKathy. Losing a parent is overwhelming, and understandable if you don' t quite know how to process it. The way you found out, I have no words. 
 
Take care of yourself. Take time to process. Hugs and prayers to you.   

 

[JustKat]

Thank you so much, everyone. I'm so sorry that some of you have gone through similar experiences. Adria, not being told about your mother's death is downright cruel. I can't imagine the shock of finding out from people talking in the neighborhood.

Cordelia, to answer your question about my brother, we really don't have a relationship. He's nine years younger so Nmother was able to keep us apart as kids. He was only nine when I left home, and after that I only saw him at the family Christmas gathering. Our relationship has always been more like distant cousins, not siblings. He's not on social media and I don't have his phone number or email address so couldn't contact him if I wanted to. His wife is on social media, so I may make an attempt at contacting her. My brother used to be the GC and was at one time sole heir, so I'm sure my sister will do whatever she can to delay notifying him.

I feel so weird right now. My Narc mother and enabling father are gone and can never hurt me again, but I'm left feeling totally alone with no family at all. My father was at least sending hoovering cards, which enraged me, but at least I had a father. Now I have two siblings who have been turned against me, cousins who live in a different country and have never met me, aunts and uncles that I don't know how to contact (if they're even still alive). No one outside of this forum understands how that can happen and how lonely it feels. There's no way I could get through this without you guys. I love you all.

[weddingcat]

I'm sorry Just Kathy. I have read your posts in the past and they have always been helpful. I am kind of in the same boat as you.
I was NC with my parents for years, due to them becoming somewhat hermits and shutting the entire family out. I tried so many times to contact them, send gifts and cards with no response.
Mom suddenly died last November in the house with my dad who had dementia. He died 2 months after. I had not seen them in years, and like you never got a sorry or answers on why they treated me like they did.
I have grieved them for years but their deaths have been the proverbial nail in the coffin. The grief is like a rollercoaster, as most grief is, but complicated grief is very challenging. Not many people understand it.
I'm glad this forum exists. We understand the range of emotions you will feel. It does make you feel like you are alone on an island. I get it.

[JustKat]

I have grieved them for years but their deaths have been the proverbial nail in the coffin. The grief is like a rollercoaster, as most grief is, but complicated grief is very challenging.

I'm so sorry Weddingcat. Yes, the grief we experience is much different from what "normal" people experience. We're left with questions that will never be answered. I had so many things that I wanted to ask my father. I wanted him to explain 50+ years of hurtful actions. Heck, I would have been happy to have heard an explanation or apology for just one hurtful act. The reality is that I was never going to ask him those questions because I was never going to get a straight answer, but I'm still going to be left with the "what ifs" for the rest of my life.

I've watched friends suffer unbearable grief over knowing they'll never get to hug their parents again. I grieve never knowing what it felt like to be hugged by my parents. It's a different kind of grief, for sure, and one that other people just can't understand.

[MarlenaEve]

Hi JustKathy. I just saw your post. I am very sorry you are going through this. I wish there was a magical way for us to process the death of an abusive parent but I guess there's none. It's hard because we'll need to grieve the parent we had-the abusive one who as you've said, didn't love us and never said sorry and the parent we longed to have, the image we've constructed in our head about them. Those ideas need to be buried, too.

Sending you hugs if you need them.

[JustKat]

Thank you so much, MarlenaEve. Sending hugs your way as well. I know you're going through a difficult time too.

[MarlenaEve]

That's very sweet, JustKathy.