pwPD lack of self-confidence or seeking approval

[11JB68]

We were heading out to an event last night. h is uOCPD - so there is a lot of OCD 'stuff' that goes along with his PD 'stuff'.
I'm okay and tolerant of some ocd/social anxiety stuff for the most part.
I am a more - you do you, I'll do me, type of person, YET he does not 'allow' me to 'do me' he wants to tell me: how to wear my hair, what to wear/not wear etc.
The night before he says he'll have to make sure he has a sport coat to wear that fits and asks my opinion what to wear. I said, I don't think you need shirt/tie/coat - probably dockers and a polo shirt is fine. (turned out that's what most guys were wearing) I had to go to work, he was to be ready to leave when I got home. I got home and he had 3 shirts and a jacket out and started asking me which shirt and is the jacket ok. I picked a shirt - then he wants to know WHY that one (IDK -i like it it matches, no big deal). He puts it on with the jacket and asks me does it look ok? Me: Yes. Him: Are you sure? Me: yes. ( I Mean-it's fine, it's more than he needs, I gave my opinion which he clearly is NOT taking anyway - so I want to say wear what you want - and it IS FINE. I do not care.)
He asked me multiple other times during the evening if what he was wearing was ok?
(the dark side of me wants to do to him what he does to me (esp after he asks so many times and has ignored my original suggestion) which is to say something mean and undermining like "I don't know it looks kind of dumb" or "Hmmm I think you're overdressed" or "You look like an old man")

[square]

Mine isn't OCPD thank heavens, but he does have OCD and I can relate to being demanded to make decisions and provide redundant assurances about the correctness of the choice.

Here is the move that results in fireballs shooting out of my eyes:

H: Should I pick X or Y?
Me: X seems best.
H: Why?
Me: Because A and B and C.
(Short time passes)
H: So you think X is a bad idea?
Me: GGJBFJKFRHJJKKHGJ

Not a typo - he will ask why I think MY SELECTION was a bad idea.

No suggestions for you other than grey rocking it. You give him a short answer but you don't put interest in it. When asked to justify, you give the bare minimum, which could even be a shrug. Yup, he will go after you.

Thankfully for me, the OCD is, while annoying, tolerable. The reason is that H is aware of it and he intellectually knows and agrees that it's not my responsibility, even if it puts him in agony. So when I shut it down, he is very defensive, but he doesn't rage.

He has also had to deal with people with worse OCD than he has, people who are completely non functional. He can feel empathy for the OCD sufferer and also know exactly how frustrating it is for others.

Is your H on medication for it? Mine didn't seek meds for many years but when he got them he said they were a relief. He still has the issue but says he can push through it most of the time.

But yours seems perfectly comfortable making you responsible for his OCD. So the only thing you can do is drop the rope. Shrug off his efforts to put it on you.

Now, I know perfectly well that choosing a damn shirt and justifying it six times is easier than fielding an entire meltdown. That's the PD part, where they will stop at nothing to make others responsible for their pain. You and I have to ask ourselves if we are willing to stay hostages.

[11JB68]

Thx square. So having done a lot of reading I truly believe my h is uOCPD and not truly OCD. But there are some ocd type traits with his uOCPD. He will never admit to nor seek treatment for whatever mental/emotional issues he may have.
I did def medium chill this entire interaction, which is a huge improvement for me over past times.
The other frustrating part to this is, while he asks my opinion, then doesn't take my advice, then perseverates on obtaining my approval for his choice.... He will criticize my own fashion choices and bully me into changing to meet his preferences. We are definitely at cross purposes on this...

[JustKeepTrying]

Goodness, this brings back memories.  I hate Sunday mornings and trying to dress for church.  It would be such a nightmare trying to get ready and pacify him and get myself together.  After all the comments I would feel so icky and ugly. 

I went through the same thing each time he would travel - packing him for a trip and competely over packing each and every time - and he would only wear a few shirts anyway.

He over dressed for everything and it all to be pressed with creases.  Polo shirt collars couldn't be curled at the end.  Exactly two buttons done.  And I was supposed to wear bright colors (which wash me out) and then he would say I would look pale.  Hmmm, maybe because you insisted I wear pale pink?

If I had to go back I would medium chill each of these and I think with over time he would take it over and I could leave him to dress himself.

Don't get me started on those &*( socks.

[Lauren17]

My uBPDh does this too. (He is not OCD, most likely covert narc.)
I think it's another manipulation/control game. If he lays out three shirts, I pick the blue one. He asks me why I think the blue one is a bad idea. Explains to me why I think the red one is the best choice until I say "Fine! Wear the red one!" Then, he can go to the event confident that I'm responsible for how he looks. If the red shirt wasn't appropriate, it wasn't his fault! Lauren made him wear that shirt. 
I agree with Square. Just drop the rope.
Yes, it's infuriating.

[BeautifulCrazy]

I have OCD and I don't do anything like your h, 11JB68!!! In defense of OCD, I also don't see it in anything others have described in this thread, except perhaps as a convenient excuse for PD behaviors. BUT.... I definitely have been on the receiving end of those same behaviors from my OCPDx. (With both his wardrobe selections and my own.)
I think it is like Lauren describes, whether he follows your advice or ignores it, he can now imagine that you are somehow to blame for how he looks. 
I suspect it is driven by deep insecurity / shame as well as avoidance of personal responsibility.

[11JB68]

BC agree! I do not believe my h has OCD. I've done a lot of reading about it and how it is way different from ocPd and I agree. H for years has claimed he has OCD and Aspbergers, I don't believe he has that either. He fits OCPD to a T.
No offense meant at all... I think he occasionally displays some ocd-like traits...

[1footouttadefog]

As I understand it there is a big difference between OCD and OCPD


OCD folks have compulsions that are about them and managing stressors and controlling the world around them and the anxieties they have regarding all of that.

OCPD can seem similar but it interferes with relationships and often the obsessive and compulsivness is about controlling others and manipulating them.

An OCD person is quite often keenly aware and wants to dimenish the fact that their behaviors negatively effect those around them. Not so much the OCPD person who might gladly impose on others and often morphs over to new things to be obsessed by in order to control.

[11JB68]

1foot that is a great synopsis of my general understanding from things I've read