Does this sound like a personality disorder?

[Laura666]

Hello,
I have used this forum to navigate a chosen relationship with a PD partner. I started therapy recently and have been drawing some parallels in behavioral patterns between my partner and my mother. As I process my upbringing, I'm starting to wonder if she has a PD, and if this has effected the way I process my chosen relationship.


She started hoarding when I was about ten and really escalated every year since. It was difficult to not have a comfortable home, and to live in secrecy but it wasn't just the physical environment that was chaotic. Here are some examples of weird behavior:
1. Constantly losing keys, important documents, "forgetting" obligations like picking me or my siblings up from school, taking us to doctors appointments, taking hours to complete short errands. (Creating chaos) Never answering phone.
2. Conveniently developing vague health issues in times of stress. (Almost every holiday involved a trip to the ER because she thought she had a blood clot or was having a stroke. The day after my father died, she developed an undiagnosable condition called "PRES syndrome" and was in the hospital while my siblings and I had to plan the funeral, clean her hoard house and take care of my three youngest siblings who were 5, 9 and 14 at the time.
3. Spent the following year grieving in bed and refusing to spend time or be supportive to younger siblings. Seemed to think tragedy only affected her.
4. A serious family event traumatized a sibling and required police involvement. With the looming threat of CYS removing her children from her, she went on a vacation to Spain with her boyfriend, abandoning the victim (her child) and leaving me to clean her house which at that point was third world levels of filth (younger siblings were staying with family members at this point but she still had legal custody.)
5. Stole money my father left for me and siblings, lying about paying off some of my student debt with it (there's no record of this)
6. Overall complete lack of insight or remorse about how hoarding affects her family. Does not think she has a problem.
I love my mom and am actually very close with her but the stability of our relationship is completely dependent on ignoring the pervasive symptoms of mental illness that outline every aspect of her life. It never occurred to me that it might be something pathological beyond hoarding until now, so I am curious about whether anyone here has experience with these types of behavior?

[Cat of the Canals]

First, it is not at all uncommon to come "Out of the FOG" in a chosen PD relationship only to discover a family PD somewhere in our history. I believe this happens in part because we were "groomed" by our PD family member(s) to accept that type of behavior, which then sets us up to do the same with friends, partners, etc.

Second, I highly recommend Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Ann Lawson, because I'm sensing a whole lot of Borderline waif-type behavior (the trips to the ER, abandoning her children repeatedly, etc.) with what you described. And probably a touch of hermit with the hoarding. Lawson breaks BPD mothers into four types (Waif, Hermit, Witch, Queen), and it was the book that got me "off the fence" with my own mother.

[all4peace]

Hello, Laura666!

Only a highly skilled mental health professional who has spent significant time assessing a person can truly diagnose a personality disorder. Still, we can  look at how someone near to us behaves and begin to develop some insight and understanding as to how that has impacted us and what we may or may not want to do about that.

When I read through some of what you've shared, what stands out to me is that you did not have had a mother who was able to truly focus on you and nurturing you, and that would have really hurt. I'm hearing a lot of abandonment and neglect, and I'm so sorry.

I'm glad you're here getting support, and therapy and/or a good support group may be other ways to feel supported and cared for while trying to heal from past hurts. Does any of this land for you? Thank you for sharing.

[1footouttadefog]

Sounds like there is a whole lot going on with your mother.  As others have said we cannot diagnose, but reading here will help you understand more about the relationship dynamics and ways to cope.

You deserve not to be abused regardless of the other person's diagnosis.