Joined a club I don't want to be in today.

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1footouttadefog

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Joined a club I don't want to be in today.
« on: September 11, 2021, 12:28:04 AM »
I caved.  He is coming back.

I really thought this was the time when this would be over.  I thought I was going to be one of those who become free from the abuse.

Now I am back to living with it and managing it all.  I am okay at the moment.   My kids will be disappointed.  Most of the issues they have with  pdh, like him bothering them when studying and wanting to come to their room because the dog is in there and nasty stuff regarding food containers and crumbs and making messes etc.   

He will not share our space.  He will have a separate apartment on the lower level and will only come for dinner at night an hour or so then go back home. He can ride to town when I go shopping and we will take him out to eat.  He will go out for lunch with friends and neighbors and adult day care a couple times a week.

Maybe removing some large part of the day to day annoyances will make things workable for a while.  Him being downstairs will mean I can sleep as the cement floor does not carry the footfall like the hardwood does.  He won't be staring at us and interrupting everytime he sees us read or look at the phone. He won't be over feeding the tiny dog.

I hate covid!!! %@#&&#@ Covid@#&##@%=+

I will be hiring alot of crap done to offload my overwhelming back log.  I plan to spend on help until it's all caught up to my standards.  He is old now it's time to spend his money taking care of him and Maintaining his home. I am no longer a slave and no longer a penny pincher who works to save the money for later
  Old age is here for him.

I will be here again sooner if not later.  Maybe by then his diagnosis will be more  solid regarding dementia or what is going on. Maybe by then he will be placeable as needed.
Maybe by then Covid will be over for @$$##$#%%& Crying out loud. 

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square

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Re: Joined a club I don't want to be in today.
« Reply #1 on: September 11, 2021, 02:58:47 AM »
I am sorry.

I have found covid has cracked our social structures to an extent.

How are you going to enforce this? What is to keep him from wandering upstairs?

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xyz

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Re: Joined a club I don't want to be in today.
« Reply #2 on: September 11, 2021, 06:16:22 AM »
1foot, I wish you the very best with this decision.  I wish you PEACE. 
xyz
Truth outweirds fiction.

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hhaw

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Re: Joined a club I don't want to be in today.
« Reply #3 on: September 12, 2021, 09:42:09 PM »
I think you're being hard on yourself, 1foot, but at least you're moving toward more self care and seld preservation.

You put up with an amazing amount of stress with the PD IN your living space.  You must be a dang Saint, bc... I can't imagine you doing that if you aren't.

Putting him in a separate apartment, but letting him IN your space daily..... wll be difficult on him.  He's used to having unlimited access and he'll be pressing in all the time..... likely. I think.

You need a strategy for that.... for keeping him out when he wants in, for dealing with his upset, for limiting the impact on the kids and your mental health.

Accepting you need help..... accepting money willneed to be spent.... accepting y0u can't have him IN yuour living space the way things were.... all movement in the right direction. 

Will see how he settles in.  I'd think through having in your space daily...... just..... think it through.  Maybe can go to his space once a weeek for dinner, but daily...in your living safe space.... seems like something you can't walk back easily. 

With everything changing now..... put workable routines in place, bc change is just too hard, IME.

I wish you the best..... but hope you have plans for the worst.
hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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1footouttadefog

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Re: Joined a club I don't want to be in today.
« Reply #4 on: September 13, 2021, 03:04:05 AM »
It will be easier to place him from the house. I called around to see who had space and who did not. A couple places that were not options for us yet were sympathetic.  I took advantage and got alot of information about things. Seems places don't like to take people in straight from the VA psych ward.  They usually turn out to be a it more than they can handle at most assisted living residences.

It has become clear that at some point he will be more than we can handle here.    In the mean time I will be looking for future options while trying to gain some separation.

I told him I bought him a new mini fridge like the one DD has for college he seemed thrilled.

It comes to mind that I can also visit his space some times as well.  The issue is himeing able to see the dog.  I am considering putting a dog door in the door between the sides of the basement.

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hhaw

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Re: Joined a club I don't want to be in today.
« Reply #5 on: September 13, 2021, 08:39:06 PM »
I like the dog door idea.

I also admire your pragmatic proactive planning ahead...... moving him out of the home vs the psych ward being easier.

It makes sense and I hope the mini fridge and access to the dog will be enough to keep him calm...along with monitoring his access to nose spray, etc.

hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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1footouttadefog

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Re: Joined a club I don't want to be in today.
« Reply #6 on: September 14, 2021, 11:32:18 AM »
Wow, building the wall is taking alot longer than I had hoped
  It's screwing 2*4 together not rocket science.

I did figure out a way to anchor the wall to floor without drilling my ceramic tile. I anchored it at the ends, then caulked it in place.  I am having to add some wood to the end of the 2*4s to make them a few inches longer and because the basement floor is almost an inch lower along the wall than in center I mame them tight  so the apply pressure to the floor from the floor truss above.  The section I put paneling  on actually looks better than I hoped and no painting needed except for the door.  The trim is also pre-painted.

Longer 2*5s were like 6 bucks each more expensive.  So it's cheaper to add some.  Lumber is so high now, yikes. 

My side of the wall can wait.  My house is trashed, looks like we are starting a thrift/resale  store and people dropped of bags and boxes of stuff, but it's okay, I will be making to changes and updating things and undoing alot of awkward accommodations we had made for the pdh in our spaces.  I will also be tidying up and super cleaning as I go along so the whole house will be refreshed.

That the house has bee slipping has been a big bother but no one wanted to be in the common areas because it was demoralizing to always be seen as a jack in the box for his insatiable need for attention.

Here's hoping he won't be at the front door all day. Here hoping his selfishness will somehow be happy to have just for him everything. 

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hhaw

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Re: Joined a club I don't want to be in today.
« Reply #7 on: September 14, 2021, 01:40:35 PM »
Are you building the wall on your own?

hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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1footouttadefog

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Re: Joined a club I don't want to be in today.
« Reply #8 on: September 14, 2021, 11:37:41 PM »
Yes.  It's actually coming along well.  The while paint came off a few of the paneling nails, I guess I can put some white out on them later.

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hhaw

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Re: Joined a club I don't want to be in today.
« Reply #9 on: September 15, 2021, 11:58:32 AM »
So this is a substantial wall the PD can't bust through if things get hairy?

hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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1footouttadefog

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Re: Joined a club I don't want to be in today.
« Reply #10 on: September 15, 2021, 02:24:11 PM »
Built like a normal house wall.  2*4 interior prehung door baseboards etc.

Only significant difference is that the  ottom horizontal board is not screwed or naked down becaise I don't want to ruin the tile floor.  I am caulking it on both sides becaise I can use a razor blade to slice and remove that later if need be.

I used trial and error to put the vertical studs in under tention so the press down as well. 

If he through a fit I would hear it and have time to call the police. 

I will be working with a social worker for plans on how to get meds changed and such before we get to that point if possible as well.  I can always take him to the hospital to get the ball rolling if the normal caregivers are not responsive.

So far today he has only called once to ask about his nail clippers, and some bins for his clean and dirty dishes, he took that opportunity to inquire about a haircut sometime soon, and tonight's supper.  Two weeks ago thst would have been a dozen calls. 


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hhaw

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Re: Joined a club I don't want to be in today.
« Reply #11 on: September 15, 2021, 11:40:11 PM »
I'm glad things are calm, 1foot.

I hope it lasts.
hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt