Why doesn’t his wife care he’s cheating?

  • 7 Replies
  • 517 Views
*

Financial_ad429

  • New Member
  • *
  • 5
Why doesn’t his wife care he’s cheating?
« on: September 11, 2021, 07:36:06 PM »
Was involved with a married man for years. He moved far away from his wife and son, says he left selfishly with no remorse. (Then says how much he misses his son- but it’s his doing!) Says he’s had no physical contact with his wife in years and they’re staying together for their son and because he doesn’t want to lose his $.

Initially made me think he was leaving his wife, then (surprise!) never mind. He kept me hidden and said he wants no relationship or commitment. At one point he told me he wanted some other faraway woman and she was coming to stay with him, and that I should move on. We barely spoke for a while but even then, if I dated anybody else he’d try to make me feel horrible. Then he said, “that other woman has only ever been a friend, and I was just exaggerating & am not seeing her.” OH and in the midst of all this, he’d post photos of his wife and son with some cutesy caption like everything fine.

Recently: he’ll sext me, ask for sexy photos (I decline), and talk about plans to have sex with me when he’s back from visiting his son. Then he slid into conversation that he was taking his son to a party with this other woman he’d tried to use to make me jealous before. THEN he posted photos of that other woman (her alone, not w him) on social media w the caption “so pretty”… an account where his family isn’t linked to him/can’t find him (fake name), but he knew I could see it. Well now his family has seen it… I’m sure they were shocked that he publicly (even tho he didn’t think they’d find it) posted stuff about a woman other than his wife bc he only posts about wifey on his social media and makes everyone think he’s staying married…

Eventually I told his wife after discussing with my friends- they said she deserved the truth. She didn’t seem to care at all about the cheating - “oh you’re being used too? Cool, lmk when the wedding is.” But she seemed upset once I told her that her husband was involving their child, aka taking their son to parties with the other mistress. Really upset, because she asked me to elaborate and soon after the guy messaged me all ticked off.

The situation chills me. If his wife really doesn’t care, then am I crazy to ever have wanted him myself?

*

moglow

  • Retired Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 15813
  • >^..^<
Re: Why doesn’t his wife care he’s cheating?
« Reply #1 on: September 11, 2021, 08:11:22 PM »
She's chosen to remain his wife for a reason, just as he's married to her for a reason (likely for a whole host of reasons actually). Those belong to them, the two of them. They don't have to explain themselves or their marital choices to anyone anywhere.

YOUR choices are yours as well. I fail to understand a) why anyone would talk to "the other woman"/the other woman would speak with his wife, and b) why their marital choices are anyone's business. At all.

Yeah the wife deserves to know - and she deserved to hear it from her husband, as he groveled at her feet begging forgiveness and whatever form of retribution and reconciliation she's willing to allow. No, she heard it from someone with no skin in the game, and frankly only after he's moved on to the next model. Good time to find moral high ground.

Yes I've been there and did it myself, just so you know. Not my prouder moments by a long streak, something for which I've kicked myself many times since.

Please cease contact with those people. He's not your friend and neither is his wife. You owe *yourself* better here, and you start by shutting them out of your life.
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.”  ~ Cap'n Spanky

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

*

Jsinjin

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 509
Re: Why doesn’t his wife care he’s cheating?
« Reply #2 on: September 11, 2021, 08:35:31 PM »
I would step back from all of it, PD or not.   That sounds like a bigger mess than you need or desserve.
It is unwise to seek prominence in a field whose routine chores you do not enjoy.

-Wolfgang Pauli

*

Poison Ivy

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1369
Re: Why doesn’t his wife care he’s cheating?
« Reply #3 on: September 11, 2021, 09:00:55 PM »
I think there are many reasons for you not to try to stay in a relationship with this married man who you think has a PD. And I'm not sure why you're concerned about his wife's feelings only at this point.

*

Justanotherlostgirl

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 97
Re: Why doesn’t his wife care he’s cheating?
« Reply #4 on: September 13, 2021, 11:17:25 PM »
Was involved with a married man for years. He moved far away from his wife and son, says he left selfishly with no remorse. (Then says how much he misses his son- but it’s his doing!) Says he’s had no physical contact with his wife in years and they’re staying together for their son and because he doesn’t want to lose his $.

Initially made me think he was leaving his wife, then (surprise!) never mind. He kept me hidden and said he wants no relationship or commitment. At one point he told me he wanted some other faraway woman and she was coming to stay with him, and that I should move on. We barely spoke for a while but even then, if I dated anybody else he’d try to make me feel horrible. Then he said, “that other woman has only ever been a friend, and I was just exaggerating & am not seeing her.” OH and in the midst of all this, he’d post photos of his wife and son with some cutesy caption like everything fine.

Recently: he’ll sext me, ask for sexy photos (I decline), and talk about plans to have sex with me when he’s back from visiting his son. Then he slid into conversation that he was taking his son to a party with this other woman he’d tried to use to make me jealous before. THEN he posted photos of that other woman (her alone, not w him) on social media w the caption “so pretty”… an account where his family isn’t linked to him/can’t find him (fake name), but he knew I could see it. Well now his family has seen it… I’m sure they were shocked that he publicly (even tho he didn’t think they’d find it) posted stuff about a woman other than his wife bc he only posts about wifey on his social media and makes everyone think he’s staying married…

Eventually I told his wife after discussing with my friends- they said she deserved the truth. She didn’t seem to care at all about the cheating - “oh you’re being used too? Cool, lmk when the wedding is.” But she seemed upset once I told her that her husband was involving their child, aka taking their son to parties with the other mistress. Really upset, because she asked me to elaborate and soon after the guy messaged me all ticked off.

The situation chills me. If his wife really doesn’t care, then am I crazy to ever have wanted him myself?

As the wife in this type of situation, maybe I can give you a bit of perspective.

If he is PD, then it is likely he has lied to her for a long time, and it’s probably not that she doesn’t care. She may be emotionally abused by this person an completely in a fog about what is real and what isn’t, and trying to navigate this but not knowing how.

When I found out my husband had a double life, quite similar to the situation you describe actually, I didn’t know what to do. I felt stuck with my husband for years. I also didn’t want to rock the boat because we have a child, and I firmly believed for a long time that a child needs 2 parents in the home. That’s a value I personally held for many years, and one she may hold too.

It isn’t so easy to just extricate yourself from this type of situation. You can be gaslit and emotionally abused to the point where you question your own reality. My uPDH told so many lies that I didn’t know what was up and what was down. It’s not an excuse per say, but her reality may be so warped and altered that she is having a difficult time accepting reality. I honestly did not “wake up” until the 5th affair, and until my uPDH started taking our child to be with his mistress at her home. That just sparked something in me and finally, I just broke.

I hope this kind of helps a bit to see the other side. You’re here, so you must suspect he has a PD? Just imagine living with him and having to interact with him for years as his wife. If this is his behavior with you, what happens in their marriage is probably this x 100.

At this point, I personally would say this exact thing. You want him? Go ahead! Because I know he is just going to do the exact same thing over again, and I don’t feel bad for her because she chose to remain in a relationship with a married man after she knew he was married. I’m done with him. I want nothing to do with him whatsoever. He spent years abusing me and getting his way 24/7. Why would I care about who he wants to move on with? It’s no longer my problem.
« Last Edit: September 13, 2021, 11:23:10 PM by Justanotherlostgirl »

*

Starboard Song

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 3555
  • Be good. Be strong.
Re: Why doesn’t his wife care he’s cheating?
« Reply #5 on: September 14, 2021, 10:21:28 AM »
If his wife really doesn’t care, then am I crazy to ever have wanted him myself?

Colloquially, yes.

Wanting to be with a married narcissist who subjected you to repeated rounds of mistreatment is terrible judgment. We all make mistakes, so I don't mean to shame you. I mean to ratify your suspicion: you are spot on in your suspicion that it was profoundly misguided -- let's not say crazy -- to want him.

This has been a horrible mistake and it is time to move on with absolute resolve.
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

*

Financial_ad429

  • New Member
  • *
  • 5
Re: Why doesn’t his wife care he’s cheating?
« Reply #6 on: September 19, 2021, 03:06:24 PM »
Was involved with a married man for years. He moved far away from his wife and son, says he left selfishly with no remorse. (Then says how much he misses his son- but it’s his doing!) Says he’s had no physical contact with his wife in years and they’re staying together for their son and because he doesn’t want to lose his $.

Initially made me think he was leaving his wife, then (surprise!) never mind. He kept me hidden and said he wants no relationship or commitment. At one point he told me he wanted some other faraway woman and she was coming to stay with him, and that I should move on. We barely spoke for a while but even then, if I dated anybody else he’d try to make me feel horrible. Then he said, “that other woman has only ever been a friend, and I was just exaggerating & am not seeing her.” OH and in the midst of all this, he’d post photos of his wife and son with some cutesy caption like everything fine.

Recently: he’ll sext me, ask for sexy photos (I decline), and talk about plans to have sex with me when he’s back from visiting his son. Then he slid into conversation that he was taking his son to a party with this other woman he’d tried to use to make me jealous before. THEN he posted photos of that other woman (her alone, not w him) on social media w the caption “so pretty”… an account where his family isn’t linked to him/can’t find him (fake name), but he knew I could see it. Well now his family has seen it… I’m sure they were shocked that he publicly (even tho he didn’t think they’d find it) posted stuff about a woman other than his wife bc he only posts about wifey on his social media and makes everyone think he’s staying married…

Eventually I told his wife after discussing with my friends- they said she deserved the truth. She didn’t seem to care at all about the cheating - “oh you’re being used too? Cool, lmk when the wedding is.” But she seemed upset once I told her that her husband was involving their child, aka taking their son to parties with the other mistress. Really upset, because she asked me to elaborate and soon after the guy messaged me all ticked off.

The situation chills me. If his wife really doesn’t care, then am I crazy to ever have wanted him myself?

As the wife in this type of situation, maybe I can give you a bit of perspective.

If he is PD, then it is likely he has lied to her for a long time, and it’s probably not that she doesn’t care. She may be emotionally abused by this person an completely in a fog about what is real and what isn’t, and trying to navigate this but not knowing how.

When I found out my husband had a double life, quite similar to the situation you describe actually, I didn’t know what to do. I felt stuck with my husband for years. I also didn’t want to rock the boat because we have a child, and I firmly believed for a long time that a child needs 2 parents in the home. That’s a value I personally held for many years, and one she may hold too.

It isn’t so easy to just extricate yourself from this type of situation. You can be gaslit and emotionally abused to the point where you question your own reality. My uPDH told so many lies that I didn’t know what was up and what was down. It’s not an excuse per say, but her reality may be so warped and altered that she is having a difficult time accepting reality. I honestly did not “wake up” until the 5th affair, and until my uPDH started taking our child to be with his mistress at her home. That just sparked something in me and finally, I just broke.

I hope this kind of helps a bit to see the other side. You’re here, so you must suspect he has a PD? Just imagine living with him and having to interact with him for years as his wife. If this is his behavior with you, what happens in their marriage is probably this x 100.

At this point, I personally would say this exact thing. You want him? Go ahead! Because I know he is just going to do the exact same thing over again, and I don’t feel bad for her because she chose to remain in a relationship with a married man after she knew he was married. I’m done with him. I want nothing to do with him whatsoever. He spent years abusing me and getting his way 24/7. Why would I care about who he wants to move on with? It’s no longer my problem.

Sorry you’re going through this and thanks for the advice. I bet he will never leave her and staying married is actually a way to keep everyone else at emotional arms length and give an excuse for hiding women publicly so they can’t be found out by each other

*

1footouttadefog

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 3296
Re: Why doesn’t his wife care he’s cheating?
« Reply #7 on: October 06, 2021, 01:03:46 PM »
Some women stay in such marriages be aise it is more comfortable than leaving.

They may depend on the h for finances and a home. They may have given up careers etc as his wife and view it as too hard to start over.

Some women due to cultural or religious beliefs see them selves as spoiled goods once a marriage fails or when they have been cheated on etc.

As others have said their, marriage is theirs to own. He told you he wanted no commitment from you so at least he was honest to that extent.

He is likely a narcissist.  He won't change and the new woman will be used also.

It's to you to find where you are in all of this.  I hope your path forward is one of healing, new strength, and lessons learned while in the fog.