Isolated and lonely

[Sidney37]

I'm not sure if I'm venting or asking for help.  I definitely need help.

So I started working really hard on myself and walking away from people who used me and the PD people in my life. I started this all during covid lockdowns.  It's no secret that I've made few friends (if any really) in my community that aren't PD or really, really codependent.  People are really snobby where i live.  Every friend I have made has quickly moved to another area of the country.  I was lonely before, but walking away from the PDs who I did occasionally see has left me completely isolated. 

So in the process of healing, my therapist and I decided that I should quit the leadership position in the small volunteer organization where I felt I was being treated poorly and taken advantage of by the other parents.  Well, all of these parents haven't reached out once in the year since I quit.  It was my only source of social contact before covid.  They seem to still be getting together with themselves and others socially, but exclude.  Now I have no social interaction whatsoever and haven't since covid started.

So here I sit wondering how to have any social contact during a pandemic and new covid restrictions?  I'm isolated and lonely.  I'm NC with my parents and as a result not one of my biological relatives has spoken to me in over a year.  They will run straight to my parents if I do reach out.  My husband's family is far away and has toxic issues.  I've been texting a close high school and college friend who live very far away.  They don't seem receptive to calls or zoom, but we text daily.  We have a mask mandate, so I can't even smile at someone at a store.  Parents are restricted from most kid/school/sport activities, so I don't see anyone that way and if I do we are masked and distanced.  The most I get is a distant wave from far away.  No conversation after all of this time.  No one has reached out to me since I said no to a birthday party invitation that broke all of the local mandates at the beginning of covid for a NPD adult who manages to have a big birthday party thrown for her every year.  I declined kindly saying my doctor (I'm high risk) thought I shouldn't but to have fun.   I'm sure I made the PD mad that I wouldn't break rules to celebrate her.

My husband thinks if I'm that lonely that I should contact the PD people in town who I worked with my therapist to get away from or the flying monkeys in my family.  If not, accept that I am choosing to be alone. 

There must be another way.  I've seen no one in 18 months other than the people in my house (husband and kids) and school parents from car windows across a parking lot at a drop off for school or a sport. I see my therapist by zoom weekly, and I see my physical therapist every week to cope with an old injury.  That's it,  I'm lonely, isolated and can't see a light at the end of this tunnel.  I thought walking away from Pd people was the right thing, but during a pandemic that means I've been utterly alone for over a year.

Is anyone else dealing with this?  The timing seems awful for me to have made this choice.

[blacksheep7]

Sidney37

I don't really thing that I can help you but just to say that your post really hit home.  I'm sorry and it is to tell you that you (we) are not alone This Covid is really testing us: our limits, courage, resilience, patience......I could go on.  We are put aside if we don't participate.  I am also very careful about following the rules of social distancing and not hugging everyone just because I'm vaxed.  We're not talking flu here.  I'm afraid of getting it because I am 65 yrs old.   I don't think it is a question codependency.  We are social animals, we need each other. Some more than others. I really am exasperated sometimes but we must keep going forward with hope, it is what keeps us humans continuing (for some that is).
Dh is going back to work after one month vacation so I will start walking again.....I put back my five pounds I lost when he fell sick this summer. lol

Hugs

Others will reply.

[blacksheep7]

I forgot to ask important questions.

Are you having physical symptons like anxiety, suffering from depression, do you sleep well?  Is this taking over your life?

Or is it just the social that you are missing.  The latter is me.

[1footouttadefog]

I also disengaged from some pd relationships right in time for covid to cancel a social life reboot.  It's been hard. I also lost a couple of close friends and have one in hospice now.  It's hard. 

I can also relate to meeting good folks who are a match only to have them relocate. 

I have managed to keep in contact socially with one group of folks. We use the zello app to have weekly meetings.  After a moderated discussion, we have open chat.  Some hang around for hours each week. A sub group chats another night. I also discovered a new group on zello during covid and enjoy their meetings also. I have come to look forward to hearing the familiar voices some weeks.  They play trivia and other things different nights of the week.

We are not as locked down so it's possible to get out and about here, many ignor the whole thing, others even deny it cometely, so if you seem to be tuned in to the Pandemic you are ostracized in a way by some.

These are strange times. I am being patient and trying to keep up on home maintenance and such.  My pdh somehow seemingly feeds in the Pandemic stresses and has been getting worse over this past couple of years.  Dealing with him has absorbed alot of time and energy.  Its like there are two covids a working against me. 

I hope you find a social outlet soon.  Many countries feel that covid has pretty much played itself out in their populations and are dropping covid restrictions and such. Maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel.

[Sidney37]

Thank you.  I don't feel like I'm depressed but maybe I am.  The few times that I have been, I've used social activities, exercise and extensive use of social support systems to quickly bounce back.  I don't suffer from depression and haven't.  I'm not sleeping well.  I'm anxious for sure. 

I definitely have always been a social animal.  I just sit here wondering if it's worth reaching out to people who are PD or with very bad fleas just to have some human contact.  My brain tells me that it isn't, but it's been a long 18 months of only seeing the people in my house.  I know the PDs and people in that social group are getting together.  Maybe if I reached out, i'd be included, too, but is that really helpful?  Will it make me feel worse?  I don't know at this point.

[1footouttadefog]

Is it possible to do some distanced volunteering or such to make new connections and network?

My DD had to get in some hours volunteering as part of a scholarship.  We met nice folks at the soup kitchen a Dat a community charity thrift store hanging clothes and sorting them.

[Unknown]

Sidney37,
I want you to know you are not alone in feeling this way. It has definitely been a trying 18 months plus.  To make matters worse, just when we thought things would get better in 2021, they have actually gotten WORSE at this point, pandemic-wise. My advice would be: do not succumb to PD relationships, no matter how superficial, out of desperation. It is my experience, and my opinion, that doing so would make your mental health go from bad to worse. Why? Because that's what PD people do. You take a bad situation, add a PD person, and voila, drama ensues, along with a host of other unpleasant interactions with them. Not to mention, it may take a backward step in your healing. I know PDs are everywhere, but I certainly do my best to avoid them once recognized as such. If I do happen to be "stuck" with a toxic individual (such as in a volunteer capacity, work, etc) that I cannot avoid, it seems to put my health in a kind of spin and I suffer for it. I am still in recovery on many levels, (first with FOO and then with a toxic narc work environment) and so I am more on the avoidant side of the question of whether to engage with them or not. My other advice would be to keep trying! Be persistent! Have you tried taking up a class? Swimming at your local gym/rec? Anything new to meet a new circle of people? I do understand your limitations during these stressful/isolated times. One thing I have done is start a new hobby. That way, I keep myself busy even though I am indeed, lonely, but it keeps me occupied enough that I do not dwell on it most of the time. What do you like to do that can perhaps draw people to you to also join in? For instance,  I taught myself how to can home goods (jellies, jams, tomato sauce, apple pie filling, pickles, beets) all from my own garden. another hobby that I took up. I give some away and a couple of people have asked if I could teach them to can as well.

I am an introvert and do not need a ton of social interaction, but I am still human and still need it- and completely relate to your post.
(I know you said you are more social, so I understand this may hit you harder.)  Hopefully, with perseverance, you will not give up and something will prove to bear fruit. I appreciate your candor and thank you for sharing your vulnerability - it is a reminder that we all need *people in our lives! (goal being: *Healthy people only!)

[Boat Babe]

Loneliness is really tough Sydney and my heart goes out to you. I feel it too, right at my core. Many of us who have had adverse childhood experiences suffer from this. If I don't take my meds, this feeling soon becomes intolerable and I go to a very dark place. It's something I work on almost daily and I can, mostly, through self compassion techniques, comfort myself and then get on with my day. I highly recommend the work of Dr Kristin Neff.

The other thing I wanted to say was that there are really good people out there. I have been involved with various community /environmental/artistic endeavours over the years in a voluntary capacity cos that's my thang and have met so many excellent folk along the way. A good half of my friends I have met through volunteering and we obviously share similar interests and values as the work has brought us together. And people who give freely if their time tend to be good people. I hope this might be of use to you.