My Friend Who Helped Save Me

[Kat54]

He's been a dear friend for many years, close, shared many stories, got each other's back. I've never spoken about him in my previous posts while divorcing my exuNPh. He and his wife have been good devoted friends and I would never have gotten through my divorce without them helping me.
My ex accused me of having an affair with him at one point. Though not true, we as couples were the best of friends, vacationed together, our kids grew up together. He even at one point worked for my ex to help him out with his business. My ex was always extremely jealous of their wealth and success, and as his usual scenario, he began discarding them as he did with many of our friends over the years. Saying mean things about them after having great dinners together. It was what he usually did with anyone who got close. I was by then at my breaking point in my marriage and he gave me advice, listened, and yes it was stepping over the boundaries of my marriage emotionally I will admit.
But, he asked me one day where did I see myself a year from now. And this was probably two years in of trying to leave my ex, and starting to feel suicidal. I don't know why, probably a combination of many things, but that week I took steps to leave my ex. I moved out and filed for divorce shortly after.
He and his wife continued to be there for me and support me. They with my sibling were my lifeline In helping me start over. He called often, checked in with me, came to my new house when I wasn't home and  fixed things, cleaned gutters, gave home advice.
He told me a couple years ago he had cancer, it was not a big deal and recovery was 99%. He's had a couple surgeries and other treatment. But He told me today it's reoccurred and it's the fourth time for reoccurrence and he will no Longer seek treatment. I'm beyond beyond devastated.
He literally saved me and I can't save him, he's been my best friend Rock.

[Poison Ivy]

I'm very sorry, Kat54. You might not be able to save your dear friend's life, but you still can help him at this most difficult time.

[1footouttadefog]

Make the most of the time you will have left together.

It's so hard to lose a good friend.  I have lost several this past year and one is in hospice now.

I know it hurts. Let yourself greive even now.  Stay strong, but don't be too tough.

I hope you get some chances to have quality time with this special friend. 

[Kat54]

We had a long talk, and while there are more treatment options he could look at they will be life altering and very disfiguring and as it's returned every single time. Dr's couldn't give him any guarantee it won't come back as it's a very rare form of cancer. He was never good at going to Dr's unfortunately and when I asked how are you going to approach things when it spreads and what dr will treat the further spread of the cancer. He just said, no more drs. No nothing.
I'll help him as much as I can, but my approach to life is fight til you can't anymore so it's hard wrapping my head around this. Feel like he's depressed and he's giving up too soon. And he's way too young.

[1footouttadefog]

Maybe research of there is an experimental treatment option he might no be aware of. I went to a church that was largely elderly folks and over the years alot of then went to a research university across our state and were able to get help with seemingly hopeless cases.

I do understand however how someone could just be sick of being sick and willing to let nature takes its course, or think that for a time.  I would likely waver and ocsilate from one period to another.

Again I am sorry you are losing someone os meaningful to you. 

[Poison Ivy]

This sounds very difficult, Kat54. You seem to be a person who can be present for and supportive of your friend, while sharing your own feelings elsewhere (such as on this forum).

[JenniferSmith]

I'm sorry to hear your friend is facing this progression with his health. I can imagine how scary it is to you think you will lose him, given how important he has been in your life.

While its natural that you have your opinions and views about how he should handle this, I would encourage you to get support for that from someone other than him. The truth is that unless you have actually gone through everything he has gone through, you don't know what you would do in terms of treatment.  It will probably be very difficult, but the best thing you can do right now is support him without putting those opinions on him.  Let him talk, let him vent, let him have whatever emotions he has as this is his journey and no one else's. Just being with him without an agenda will be the best gift you can give him.

Rather than tell him what you think he should do, tell him how important he has been and is to you and how sad you are thinking about him being gone.  But don't do this in a way that keeps the focus on how HIS cancer is affecting you. Remember, he is the one who could possibly be facing the end of his life.  He shouldn't have to comfort you about how bad this will affect your life.  I have read research about how female cancer patients often feel like they have to take care of the emotions of everyone around them, rather than being supported - because everyone around them is so scared about them dying.

None of this is to minimize your feelings. This is a very hard thing to face and you allowed to feel any way you feel. I hope you have people in your life who can support you.  Perhaps meeting with a therapist who has worked with cancer patients or those who are dying, or just a regular therapist, might be very helpful too.   If you live in a big city that has a cancer center,  they may be able to direct you to resources for family members or friends of those with cancer.

[Poison Ivy]