Questioning myself again . . .

[Adria]

We moved to be closer to kids and grandkids. So far it has been going pretty well. 10 year old grand daughter wanted to stay over night last night. The 4 and 7 year olds wanted to stay as well. 

Problem is. my daughter runs the kids ragged. They run totally on adrenaline, so 4 and 7 year olds still wet the bed.  I have expensive mattresses and one has already been wet on.  So, I said to daughter, "Do 4 and 7 year old still wet at night?"  She got uppity with me, and said, "Fine, I"ll tell them they can't sleep over for another year."  I said, "A year?", and she started walking away.  I offered to take them if she put the potty alarm on them, and that wasn't right I guess, albeit that's what she does.

Now, I feel daughter is upset with me because I don't want to wake up after the kids sleep over and wash mattress pads, blankets, sheets, etc .   I did it when they came to visit from out of town, but now we live down the street.  I had 4 & 7 year old come and watch a movie with us last night, and they went home when the movie was done per daughter's request out of anger. 

My kids were both potty trained by 2 years.  She has no schedule with the children and their whole life is in constant chaos.  Do I really need to make it my problem? I don't feel like it.  My son is in the hospital right now and pee beds are just something I don't want to deal with.  Just wondering if I'm bad?

[BeautifulCrazy]

Yikes Adria!
I get a sense of a lot of anger toward your daughter in your post!!
It sounds like you have a lot of other issues clouding good communication about a specific one.

If I'm not missing the mark completely, I think both of these items in your post are the sum of the current issue and are also perfectly reasonable:
- I don't want to wake up after the kids sleep over and wash mattress pads, blankets, sheets, etc .
-  ...pee beds are just something I don't want to deal with.
Can you just communicate a boundary around this one thing, clearly and concisely? 
In my opinion it would be a very acceptable boundary on your part to lovingly welcome your grandkids, but not be willing to tackle the extra work. Are you willing to not do visits overnight until the bedwetting phase is over? Or maybe overnights are okay with the caveat that provisions are made, such as overnight diapers or whatever else you are comfortable with that protects you from the extra work. (Remember, her feelings about it are her 50% of the relationship.)
In my opinion, it is a privilege of grandparenthood that you don't have to deal with stuff like bedwetting. Unless you choose to. For instance, if you offered to take them overnight, or agreed to watch them for a weekend you might honor her methods, or adopt her alternative of a potty alarm, or do something else entirely.
Personally, I think "My house, my rules." applies, and if you want to put them in absorbent underpants, or use an alarm, or do whatever you are comfortable with, that should be okay.
My MIL used to put my kids in absorbent underpants overnight, well after they were potty trained. There was an incident of my 8 year old bedwetting that she wanted to make a big deal out of. Only to me, thank goodness! Those underpants were seriously annoying to me (just as she intended) and mildly embarassing to the kids, but nobody seems to have lasting scars. Even now, things are just... um, different... at her house.

In an ideal world, this boundary and some medium chill to daughter's reactions would solve the smaller problem of bedwetting strategies while you worked on the larger issue of communicating better. But we are in PD land on this forum. PD manipulations require more awareness and a long game strategy. Would there be a scorched earth response to you setting this boundary? Like, maybe she stops all visits? How long might that last? Is there a work-around you can do without having to interact over this? Like just buying a couple of packets of overnight underpants and putting them on the children at bedtime at your house? Of course you will have to remove all the grownup baggage and judgements from this when explaining it to them. Perhaps something along the lines of  "Gran knows that accidents happen sometimes and I'd rather spend tomorrow morning making pancakes with you guys than washing laundry. This is a fun alternative I thought of, and this way nobody will feel badly if an accident happens!"
(You can equally use this explanation to your daughter if she objects.)
I know how hard it is to interact with a PD about things that are important to you. I can only imagine how loaded this must feel since it is your grandkids.
Try to take some deep breaths. Remember the 3 C's.
Keep the bigger picture in mind and prioritize the most important things as you problem solve. Things like your own sanity and your relationship with your grandchildren.

To answer your question....
No, you aren't bad.

[Free2Bme]

As a mom of 4, bed wetting at 4 and 7 is not unusual, even when they are potty-trained at around 2yo.  During the waking hours, a toddler has some awareness of the urge to go.  However, when children are small (4 and 7) their bladders are still very small and cannot hold much volume.  When they are sleep, they are not feeling the sensation enough to wake up and use the restroom.  My kids used pull-ups for several years after potty-training was finished. Even though I had them on consistent nap and bedtime routines, I still dealt with bed-wetting, especially with my heavy sleeper and another child with sinus allergies (there is a correlation).

Things you could do to remedy the situation:

-Don't offer water/drinks within 2 hours of bedtime
-Maybe you could purchase an inexpensive plastic mattress covers for around $20 to save your expensive mattress.
-Decide it is too much trouble to have them spend the night and not offer over-nighter's anymore.

I would be concerned about transferring this frustration to the grand kids.  It is not their fault.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I agree with BeautifulCrazy... you are putting the blame on your daughter for this bedwetting problem. That's not going to help you with a solution that is good for everyone. Whatever the cause, you're not the one who can stop the fact that your 4 and 7 year old grandchildren do have this (common) issue. The bedwetting, for now, is a package deal with the kids.

If you are not willing to have them stay until it passes, that is your right. Or pull-ups, or whatever you are comfortable with. But it's also your daughter's right to say, no, that's not okay with me and have veto power over those rules. More than my house, my rules; my kids, my rules. Failure of grandparents to understand and accept this has been a major source of friction, as many here can attest!

Do you believe your daughter has a PD, or is this more of a general boundary/communication/relationship thing? Ideally you would work out a solution that respects everyone's needs and desires together, and puts the kids first, but it isn't clear whether that is possible with this relationship.

I would also be concerned about having the ten year old over and not the others as a regular thing. It could be hurtful, even though you don't mean it as a personal insult. Like free2beme says, it isn't their fault.

[Adria]

BeautifulCrazy,

"Gran knows that accidents happen sometimes and I'd rather spend tomorrow morning making pancakes with you guys than washing laundry.

Thank you for your thoughts.  I love that quote. That is great!

I guess Yikes is right!. My daughter is quite manipulative and with my son being sick, I feel overrun and overwhelmed. Daughter doesn't seem to understand that I get tired and have needs too, so I guess it came out in my post.  It's been going better than I thought moving close by, but it seems like I'm being taken advantage of more and more.  You have given me some good things to ponder.  I did offer to have them put on pull ups, use the alarm, etc.  The kids are wonderful and I'm happy to have them over. I just don't understand why she would even ask me to let them sleep in my beds without protection if they still wet.  It's beyond my comprehension among other things.

[Adria]

Freetobeme and Call Me Cordelia,

I agree, I do not want to put this frustration on the kids, and I won't.  I guess I'm frustrated because this is not the only issue with daughter.  There are many things that cause our relationship to be difficult. I'm not sure if she has a PD. Sometimes I think she does, but I can't tell if it is just her personality.  It has always been strained between us, but we have both been working on it with some progress.  She and I have both built new houses and it hasn't been going well, no materials, can't get workers, etc.  My dh has been out of town for work for the past two months, and I'm left dealing with all of it and a son who's back in the hospital.  Sometimes, it just seems like daughter keeps piling more and more on me. I feel like I should be able to handle it, but I'm not great lately.

I love my grandchildren. They are a joy. I guess it's her parenting style that gets to me. It doesn't make sense to me most of the time. Dh and I are continually scratching our heads. I guess I don't understand why I can't put pull ups on them or use the alarm. Seems so simple. 

[Adria]

Everyone made a good point.  I am maybe more upset with daughter than I realize.  Again, I was supposed to babysit at 9:00 this morning. I got up, got ready, did some chores, it is now 9:45 and nothing. No phone call, no grandchild, nothing.  So, I called and asked if we were still on, and she said, yes, I'll be there in a little while.  Just seems to be no regard for my time or schedule, it's always about her.  I said, "Oh, I thought you were going to be here at 9:00."  She said I'll be there soon.  I've been trying to go along to get along, but I guess I'm going to have to set better boundaries, that may be my problem.  When daughter knows she's duping me, she comes over in this sweet little innocent voice (like this morning) that throws me off and makes me feel like maybe it's just me.  Dh sees her manipulation tactics and it leaves him stymied as well.  It might be time to haul out the boundaries book again. Some things are better. I'm just afraid of things sliding backwards once she gets comfortable.