DH a PD like his mom?

engineer31 · September 19, 2021, 10:24:51 AM

My MIL and FIL are suspected PDs. Today, I'm starting to wonder if my husband is. I went to the gym this morning, where cell phones are not allowed. It's a 1 hour group class, I usually just leave the phone in my car. Today he messaged me 15 min before class ended, which I didn't see until I got to my car. He had asked if I fed the dogs before I left. I said yes and that I couldn't answer because we're not supposed to bring in our phones. His response was that was a stupid rule to which I replied that it is what it is. He then asked me well what if it was an emergency and I said he could call the gym. His response to that was so he's supposed to look up the phone number, wait for them to get me instead of just calling me directly. To which I replied that I could put my phone in the locker, so that it's closer to me, and I should be able to get a message to my watch. Je didn't respond. When I got home, the whole thing blew up because I asked why he didn't respond to my last message and he's saying I'm making a bigger deal out of it than he is. I said that he said it was stupid and I gave ways he could contact me. And he just kept saying that I'm blowing this out of proportion and all he said was that it was a stupid rule. I feel like he's gaslighting me, just like his mom does. And I have no idea what to do

Andeza · September 19, 2021, 10:30:42 AM

Well, first question would be is this a one off, or is it a pattern of behavior?

engineer31 · September 19, 2021, 10:32:53 AM

Unfortunately, I'm starting to notice a pattern more lately than before. I'm wondering if he's stressed bc we cut out his parents. Even though I asked him last night and he swears he doesn't care and that he's at peace with it.

all4peace · September 19, 2021, 11:30:04 AM

I'm wondering if it would be helpful to try to get to the root of what is distressing him. Is he afraid? Feeling ignored? Stressed and lashing out about things that aren't the stressors? In other words, maybe the problem isn't the problem. Maybe it's not about the cell phone and instead about something else he isn't able or willing to share quite yet. In general, when you've both had time to cool down, are you both more able to come back and get some resolution?

Andeza · September 19, 2021, 01:33:42 PM

That was my next question.

It may be worth some temporary discomfort to calmly and kindly pursue this to a root cause if possible. No leading questions though, like "Is this because of xyz?" Nah. Just stuff like "Hey honey, I've noticed you've been a little bit off lately and I wanted to check in and see if there's something bothering you or worrying you." Let him come up with the why. I directly ask my DH things like "Hey, why has 'grumpy pants' resurrected here lately? What's getting to you?" But we have a lot of very, very open communication in our marriage. That approach, therefore, is not something I typically recommend.

Sneezy · September 19, 2021, 05:27:45 PM

My DH has "fleas" from being raised by uHMIL and enabling FIL. DH and I have gotten to the point in our marriage where we can sometimes even joke about it (when he says I love my cat more than I love him, I give him an exaggerated eyeroll). But not always - it can cause some real stress, too. In a nutshell, DH needs a lot of reassurance, mostly from me but also our kids, that he is loved and needed and appreciated. It must have something to do with how uHMIL treated him growing up. Her love was conditional on how he made her feel and how much attention he paid to her and her needs. And so DH is often uneasy, looking to make sure that I and our kids love him best. DH has also give me grief about not answering my cell phone. And this is one place where I've just had to put my foot down. He doesn't like it, but my phone is usually on silent somewhere in the bottom of my purse. I carry a cell phone for me - in case I need it in an emergency. Then again, I'm of the generation where the only phone we had when I was growing up was attached to the wall in the house, and so I just haven't gotten to the point where I feel like I need to be universally available to everyone at all times.

Definitely talk about it with your husband, when you are both calm. Try to come up with a compromise - maybe you agree to check for text/phone messages at certain intervals. Maybe he tries to understand that gym time is a message-free time and you deserve an hour or two a week where you aren't attached to your phone. I can't think of many situations where the fact that you received a message now or 30 minutes from now would really make a difference. Even in a true emergency, where 911 is called and people are rushed to the hospital, would it really change anything if you got the message 30 minutes later?

I think it also helps to always be clear about things. When I go for a walk, I will tell DH where I'm going and about how long I will be. When I go to the gym or somewhere else, I will also be very clear. And he can always use "find my phone" to see where I am. I also give him a heads up if I have a busy week that will involve significant amounts of my time (either out of the house or on zoom meetings). That way, he isn't surprised if I'm not around. Those kinds of things seem to help.

bloomie · September 20, 2021, 04:40:23 PM

engineer31 - I am old enough to remember when you had to go to an actual ginormous book, look up a business, and call... so, grain of salt with my response.

Another way to approach this would be to consider.. he expressed his frustration, you gave him reasonable, calm responses and if he is saying not to make a big deal of it you could just do that.

Then go to the gym and do your thing while you honor their rules. If it comes up again, or if something similar comes up again that has shades of helplessness and frustration out of proportion to the situation you could dig deeper?

engineer31 · September 21, 2021, 06:52:32 AM

Thank you everyone for your replies and advice. I tried with him the night before this happened to ask him if anything was bothering him since he seemed to be snapping at everything that happened and anyone that got in his way. He denied that anything was wrong other than just annoying things happening to him.

@Bloomie, I think I will do just that. Not bring it up anymore, continue to follow their rules, and if he brings it up again have another conversation.

Thank you all!