Trigger warning mil was cold after miscarriage

[Maz]

Recently myself and Dh had a miscarriage. It was early on but was really upsetting as we had gone through fertility treatment.

Anyway Dh parents have been uninterested all the way through this journey. We've tried to get them involved but it's more like us or rather Dh telling them really personal info about treatment and appointments and them just brushing it off.

It finally worked and I was pregnant, we were excited. It didn't carry on due to complications so we told family.

We had a bit of sympathy initially for about 30 seconds then it went back to them. Fil said he hadn't called because step mil had a health scare and it was all very difficult for them both. It turns out it was nothing, she's fine. Anyway mil sent a text saying o I bet you've had better weeks. When I tried to engage in a human level abs it's been tough she responded with your strong you'll get through it. I thought it was a little cold but okay. Then she dismissed it all and said ahh your going away soon as if that makes everything better! I felt so angry that she was trying to dismiss it all. So I sent a really polite response saying that Dh was struggling but had been fantastic and I'd be lost without his support. I said we'd got good friends and work was being supportive with us both. Explained we'd been offered counselling. I got nothing back.  I genuinely think she's taken offence with me. A few weeks later we went to look at a wedding venue, we've not done everything in the right order so we sent info to mil to try and involve her. Nothing back again. Dh called and asked if she had received it and to share something positive about the wedding venue, he was told I'm with friends can't talk, call you later! It's like what's the point of even making an effort. She should be supporting us, it's been hell but we're still trying to make everyone else feel at ease and happy. The long and short of it is I can't even stand to be near then. When mil has called Dh she just talked about herself and how great she is. It's really hurt Dh and it's really upset me. Even if mil can't stand me, from one person to another why not just say, I'm really sorry for what your going through, it must be so hard. I'm here if you need anything. That's all it would have taken. I feel like I only got a text because Dh said something to mil when the generic statement comes out of her mouth that have no substance, she just doesn't want to look bad in font of others. 

[Poison Ivy]

It stinks when people whom you want to be able to share things with lack empathy. What I do in situations such as this is not reveal personal things to the unempathetic people. I stopped telling my husband (now my ex) about my health when I realized he wasn't going to respond in helpful ways.

[Maz]

Hey poison ivy,

Thanks for your reply.

If my mil doesn't want to offer me any support that's one thing but she hasn't offered her son anything. Just continued to talk about herself as if nothing ever happened. Even when Dh broke down in tears on the phone. She said that in the past men would have just got on with it.

It's tough when you don't feel listed to. I'm sorry you had this with your ex.

Sharing any information is definitely not what I'll be doing. Unfortunately Dh doesn't stick to what we agree and he tells her everything. It makes me feel more on the outside than ever.

[Poison Ivy]

I'm sorry that your MIL also isn't supporting her son, but I'm not surprised by the behavior. Your MIL probably doesn't care about anyone other than herself. Your partner is fortunate to have you in his life, to give him some of the support that he isn't getting from his mom.

[Maz]

It's such a shame that someone can't offer support or even just a little bit of kindness when things are though.

[Andeza]

First, and most importantly, this is a really horrible thing that has happened you guys, and I'm sorry that it has happened. To struggle with fertility, and then have that joy snatched away is beyond the scope of my imagination. The version of reality that your in-laws live in means that the world must revolve around them. They have no true support or encouragement to offer. It's also possible that they aren't terribly broken up over it because they view any potential grandchildren as a distraction for your Dh, that would mean that they are no longer the center of attention. It's unfortunately quite common here on the boards. It's not fair to the adult children, and it's even more unfair for the grandkids.

I can draw some parallels between your Dh and mine. Mine just wanted his parents to be emotionally available, interested in him and his thoughts, and supportive. As such, he used to share copious amounts of information that they continued to be uninterested in. I started asking him, "What did they say to X, Y, Z?" and he'd have to reply "Nothing." This made him recognize that while he may be putting a lot of thought into things he was saying, they were just glancing over stuff and moving on. I don't think your Dh has entirely accepted that they are incapable of giving him what he needs. Took mine a few years.

[D.]

I am so sorry for your loss and difficulties.  I experienced still birth over ten years ago.  I remember clearly the pain and heart break.  I hope that you continue to find support and empathy with each other and others.  I also know that in my experience it was a big step Out of the FOG.  Sounds like this is sadly bringing clarity about the reality of your in laws. 

[Maz]

Hey D,

I can't even begin to imagine how painful it must have been for you. It's something that never leaves you.

Your right with feeling like we are coming Out of the FOG.

It's like someone has turned a light on showing everything.

[Maz]

Hey Andeza,

Your post really made sense to me. The part about a potential grandchildren being a distraction for Dh. I think this maybe the case. It does feel like a power play. It's not uncommon for them to completely blank me even in my own home.

I can relate to Dh sharing important events and them not really giving a toss. It's almost like they play top trumps. If we have something sad happen they have something sadder, if we've done something fun they've done something that's more fun, if we have a holiday they've had a better holiday. Even with the miscarriage, npdfil wife had a health scare so they were in bits. His words not mine. It was something and nothing, just an excuse to why he offered no support.

At the moment I feel incredibly angry about the whole situation and if I was to see nmil or npdfil I'd blow my top.

Not something I want to do because it would just make a bad situation worse.

[Andeza]

One upmanship we call it, the need for them to be better, do better, have worse, be the worst...

Anger is healthy, and it is one of the ways our mind tells us we need to protect ourselves. I don't necessarily recommend blowing your top, but I think your body is saying you should look at how much involvement you have in the relationship and perhaps scale back.

As for your Dh... I don't have any recommendations other than try to have him read through the traits and other helpful info on the toolbox if you can.

[Maz]

Your right about the anger. I've made a point of asking Dh to not make me be in their company at the moment because of how I feel.

It's not like they visit or anything but Christmas isn't for away and we get the obligatory visit once a year. It's tense at the best of times but this year I'm not indulging it. It's a no thank you from me this year. If Dh wants to spend time with them he's free to do so but not at our home and not accompanied by me. That must sound harsh but it's how I feel right now.

[Cat of the Canals]

It's tense at the best of times but this year I'm not indulging it. It's a no thank you from me this year. If Dh wants to spend time with them he's free to do so but not at our home and not accompanied by me. That must sound harsh but it's how I feel right now.

I don't think it sounds harsh at all. I don't want to spend the holidays with my PDmil on a good day. Considering your recent loss, coupled with their lack of empathy, why would you want to be around them?

And I imagine you're still in the midst of the healing process. I don't think you need to offer any excuse or feeling at all guilty for putting yourself and your family first.

[Hilltop]

Maz I am so sorry for your loss especially after going through infertility treatments.  There is so much grief and if you aren't up for them visiting this Christmas so be it.  Take this time for yourself.

I also had a miscarriage after IVF and the first thing MIL said was "what did she do".  Yep I got blamed.  I refused to allow her to visit me at the hospital and I never ever got anything like an "I'm sorry for your loss".  In fact even when she heard about the pregnancy I think she was only thinking of herself and how it would affect her.  It was deeply hurtful.

There is nothing except time which helps ease the grief.  Your MIL has been truly hurtful and thoughtless.  There is a way to build a relationship and tear it down.  Give yourself some time before you see her, don't feel pushed into anything coming into the holidays.  Take care of yourself. I really am so sorry. xoxo.

[Maz]

Hey Hilltop,

Thanks for your post.

That must have been so painful. I know from my own experiences that blame is something I've done to myself. It's something that has to be worked through. You didn't do anything wrong, don't let anyone make you feel like you did.

A simple hug and asking if your okay would have been enough.

I'm so sorry you didn't get the support you deserve.